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I’d never been a particular fan of the male anatomy. Which isn’t to say I didn’t appreciate it in a utilitarian sort of way. The truth was, I’d only had occasion to really look at a few examples up close. But Ryan’s cock was smooth and thick, and … beautiful.
I stared at it for way too long, probably grinning like an idiot. I took him in my hand then, nodding, since the power of speech had left me again. I slid my hand along his length and watched his eyes drop shut. His enjoyment made me feel bolder, and I took his balls in my other hand as I stroked him, watching as his body shuddered. I took the condom from his fingers and rolled it down his length, his eyes fixed on my hands.
“Yes,” I finally managed to say.
And nothing else was needed, because then he was there, pressing into me, gently at first and then thrusting, my hips matching every motion until I thought I’d split into a thousand pieces. I wrapped my legs around him, raked his back with my nails and held on, knowing I was seconds from falling apart. And with me holding him so tightly, the movement changed and shifted, became deeper, slower. Ryan was rubbing something deep inside me, some spot that felt like fire and wanting and need, and with every movement I became more desperate for release.
And when it came, it wasn’t an explosion. It wasn’t sudden, or shocking or a surprise. It was exactly as I’d known it would be, considering my ultimate movie-star crush was in my bed, in my arms, inside me.
It was consuming and overwhelming, like a wave building inside me and rolling over us from the inside out. It went on and on, a pulsing, living, moving thing that bound me to him, that separated me from everything else I knew. That made us whole together. And when it ended, I was left helpless and happy, whole and yet changed, in the arms of a man with whom I was very afraid I might be completely in love.
Chapter Fifteen
Ryan
Sex with Tess was exactly what I thought it would be.
Perfect.
Everything about this girl was exactly perfect for me, and if I said that didn’t scare the hell out of me, I’d be lying.
And now I held her in my arms, our hearts beating against one another as our breathing slowed, and I didn’t ever want to let her go. I had to make her see what I already knew.
“Ryan,” she breathed. “Let go. You’re suffocating me.”
“Oh God, sorry.” I rolled to the side and relaxed my grip, but I wasn’t letting go. I’d already decided. I couldn’t let this girl go.
Tess smiled up at me, her eyes cloudy and half-closed. But even as I smiled back down at her, her features cleared and the edges of her perfect little mouth began to turn down. “Ryan,” she said, beginning what I knew was going to be some kind of apology or excuse, something I didn’t want to hear, didn’t want her to say.
I dropped my mouth to hers and stole the words with a kiss. Tess moaned again into my mouth and I wished I could keep her there, connected to me forever.
But her hands dropped from my back and moved to my chest, pressing me gently away, cold fear replacing the certainty I’d been feeling. “Ryan,” she said again, breaking the kiss and moving so that I slipped out of her, a sensation that threatened to break my heart in a way that surprised me completely.
“Tess, don’t,” I said. “Don’t tell me all the reasons why this is wrong, or why it can’t work. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen, or that you didn’t feel everything I just did. There’s something here. And if I have to do all that again to prove it to you, I’m willing.”
That earned me a tiny smile, but then she shook her head, the dark waves spilling over the pillow in a soft blanket. “I love the idea,” she said slowly. “But the reality is what we need to look at.”
I hated reality. I wanted to stay as far from reality as possible right now. “I don’t like where you’re headed with this.” I moved in to kiss her again, to see if maybe one more perfect kiss could move her to the mindset that was so clearly rooted in my own brain.
Tess rolled off the bed and reached down, pulling her shirt up to cover herself as she stood. “Ryan, this was nice.” She blushed then, and my heart stuttered at how incredibly sexy she looked standing there, blushing and looking down at the floor as she tried to cover her perfect full breasts with her T-shirt. “I mean, honestly, I just had sex with Ryan McDonnell. Forget that no one would ever believe me if I told them, or that this was pretty much my ultimate sexual fantasy fulfilled.”
My brain detached for a moment, letting itself turn over the words she’d just said as my ego soared. But the words she said next pulled it back.
“But you’re leaving the day after tomorrow, and I’ll never see you again unless I go to the theater. And you’ll be pretending to be with Jules, and you’ll both be back to your version of regular while I’m here in the real world …” she trailed off, and looked around as if she was seeing her room for the first time. Then her voice softened, cracking and nearly breaking my heart. “And … look … Could you maybe just go? This is too much. It’s too hard.”
I sat up, shaking my head. “It doesn’t have to be, Tess.”
She wouldn’t look at me, wouldn’t meet my eye. She picked up my clothes and handed them to me, then stepped back quickly, and I shivered. Could this really be over?
I disposed of the condom in the little trashcan next to her desk and got dressed, watching Tess the whole time as she tried not to look at me. How could I fix this? I wasn’t sure I even knew exactly what was broken.
“I want to stay,” I told her.
“Just go,” she said, and her voice was so full of remorse and sorrow that I felt my heart wither and shred as I did what she asked and watched the door click shut behind me.
I walked slowly down the hall in the quiet house, pausing when I heard Granny yell, “Gotcha, sucker!” from somewhere down below. Juliet’s door was shut, and I knew I should probably just go to sleep, but I didn’t want to be alone.
I hadn’t come to Maryland looking for anything specific, but maybe if I was honest with myself I could admit that I’d been searching for a while. For something. And when I’d found Tess here, in this quiet life surrounded by beauty and water and simplicity and the constant lingering smell of pot, there was a big part of me that was trying to drop anchor. Because all of this felt right.
