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“Um …” Ryan said, looking confused.
“No. Look,” Juliet said, stepping in close to him, her face reddening. “You’re here because I’m doing you a favor. I didn’t bring you here to charm the pants off my naïve little sister and break her heart. That’s not what this is about. This is about—”
Naïve little sister. Right. That did it.
I stood up too, my blood heating. “You.” I finished her sentence for her. “Everything is about you. It always has been. Right, Jules? And this, this weekend—which was supposed to be about Gran, by the way—has become a media circus so you can show the world that Juliet Manchester is just fine after her nasty divorce. And what makes a woman fine? Another man, of course! So you picked one off the man tree to help you out, and we all have to play along, right?”
Juliet and Ryan were both staring at me now, but I’d opened the door to the closet full of secret feelings and they were all rushing out into the light. My mouth marched forward and it was almost like I was standing apart from myself, watching in horror as I told my sister everything I’d ever felt. In front of Ryan.
“It’s so hard for you to imagine that maybe someone might actually be interested in me, isn’t it? It’s just completely outside your realm of experience. After all, what do I have to offer? I’m the short one, the fat one, the unpopular one … I’m Juliet Manchester’s little sister, right? That’s all I’ve ever been, and with you around, it’s all I’ll ever be.”
Ryan had moved to stand closer to me now, looking torn. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and let him comfort me, but another piece of me just wanted to throw things, flip tables and scream at him for bringing me to a place where all these feelings demanded to be unleashed.
“No, Tess …” Juliet said, but I had twenty-five years of repressing my real feelings and I couldn’t stuff them back in now. I realized I was burning down my world, destroying whatever relationship I had with my big sister, but I couldn’t go on pretending I was happy to stand in her shadow. I wasn’t. I deserved to be seen too.
“Let’s just get through tomorrow night’s charade and then you can all go back where you belong,” I said, turning. “You can take your fame and your angst and your enormous security guards and just go home. Both of you.” I walked out of the dining room past one of the looming guards and headed for the stairs; glad to hear no one was following me. Chessy shrieked as I walked by, and I felt a strange chicken-girl kinship. Like she got me somehow.
In my room, I paced, waiting for the confusing mass of feelings inside me to stop swirling around long enough to sort through them. But they didn’t. Age-old anger and hurt at being perpetually in Juliet’s shadow had risen within me, making me feel vulnerable and young. And whatever had been bubbling between Ryan and me wasn’t helping. I wanted him. God, did I want him … and the weird thing was, I was pretty sure he was legitimately interested in me, too. Or else he was a better actor than I thought.
The way we’d sat this afternoon over the water, holding hands on the tabletop talking like we’d known each other for years … why would he fake any of that? And the kissing. My God … the kissing. Just thinking about the way his arms felt around me, the way his breath had been hot on my neck, in my ear … it had muscles deep inside me tightening in expectation.
Shit.
He had to go back home. They both needed to go. I just had to survive watching them pretend to be a couple for the press at the party tomorrow, and then I could go back to my regular life, teaching people to kayak, leading tours, watching over Gran … being alone.
Shit.
“Tess?” Ryan’s voice came through the door, interrupting me mid-angst. Everything in my body heated, knowing he was just outside my bedroom door, but my mind took charge.
“I think you better just go away,” I told him, squeezing my eyes shut in an effort to steady my voice.
The door opened.
“God, you don’t listen, do you?” I said, my body vibrating the second he was in the room with me.
He shut the door behind him and stepped forward, his bright eyes on mine, those perfect full lips slightly parted. He pushed a hand through his amazing messy hair and sighed.
“Tess, I know I’m doing everything wrong,” he said. “But I can’t leave here until I know what’s between us.” His eyes searched mine and I took a step toward him without meaning to. “I know there’s something here,” he went on. “I can feel it, and I know you feel it, too. And look, I mean … I don’t know what it is. Because I’ve never felt anything like it before. All I know is that I want you like I’ve never wanted anyone, anything, in my life. I want to be near you, to breathe you in, to hear you talk and see you move, and … God, I sound like an idiot.”
My mind stopped pounding around inside my head looking for an answer and the room stilled at his words. I believed him. And all I wanted was to believe him long enough to never have to think about all of the complications surrounding us again. I took another step toward him and suddenly I was in his arms, our mouths locked together in a desperate kiss that sent spirals of longing through my limbs, my stomach, my mind. I closed my eyes and light burst in flashes inside my mind as I let go.
A little voice deep inside was screaming at me to be stronger; not to be that girl, not to be the girl every woman probably became near Ryan McDonnell. But I couldn’t stop now, and I let Ryan’s hard firm body press against mine and pull me into him because the temptation was too great and I was weak. Maybe my sister was right and I was just her naïve little sister.
Maybe I didn’t care.
Maybe I could use people too, and maybe I could use Ryan tonight. Maybe it didn’t mean anything.
I stopped thinking.
I Just. Let. Go.
His mouth was hot and insistent on mine, and his hands were sliding over my body, gripping and rubbing, pulling at my clothes. I slid my palms up beneath his T-shirt, up the firm solid muscle of his back, feeling the corded strength on each side of his spine. And then the shirt was gone, and I was unfastening his pants, pushing them down his body as he undressed me. We stumbled around the room, pulling off items of clothing and sliding our hands over each other, and it felt like neither of us would ever get enough of the other’s hands or mouth.
I heard myself whimpering, a needy wanting sound I didn’t even know I could make. But I needed more. I needed so much more than hands and tongue and … Oh, God. Ryan lifted me and spread me out on my bed, my legs still draped over the side as he knelt between my legs and demonstrated an entirely different kind of talent apart from acting. “Oh my God,” I moaned, as my hands fisted the bedspread.
Ryan’s tongue and fingers worked together to drive every last rational thought from my mind until I was nothing more than wanting and need, and then he was over me, claiming my mouth again, pressing every inch of his hard firm body into mine. His hands and mouth were on my breasts, his tongue and teeth turning me into a woman I didn’t recognize as I writhed and thrashed beneath him. My hands were in his hair, grabbing at his back, reaching for his perfect ass.
And then he was gone and back, ripping a condom packet in his teeth and gazing down at me as he knelt over me. “Is this okay?” he asked, holding himself in one hand.
