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He shook my hand. "You know much about what's going on with your brother?"
"Not a lot," I said. "Can I see him?"
"Just a minute." He waved back at the chairs. "Just want to make sure you know he's in a lick of trouble."
I hadn't heard anyone use the term "lick" that way since I'd been a little boy in the south. It plucked at the chord of sentimentality that had been strumming inside me since I'd been thinking about my little brother, about better days. I squinted at the captain, waited for him to continue. "Yes sir."
"Officers rolled up on him running last night. A few guys behind, chasing him with pipes, boards. We got a couple of the other guys—your brother basically collapsed in front of the cruiser. Guys must not have gotten a chance to search him before they started beating the shit out of him, because he was carrying a good amount of heroin."
"Shit." I squeezed my eyes shut. Jarred had been arrested once before for possession. But this was more serious.
"We gotta charge him with trafficking. That wasn't for personal use."
"What's that mean?" I asked. "Jail time?"
"Depends on the judge. If it's a first offense, could be lighter, but the minimum is gonna be at least five years."
Maybe that'd be long enough to get him straight. If he could survive in prison. Shit. This might kill my mother. I didn't have an answer to the cop's statement, so I just let the news sink in. "Can I see him?"
"Yeah."
"There gonna be bail?" Everything inside me cringed at the idea of having to scrape together what would surely be thousands of dollars.
"Should be. We'll let you know."
I nodded, and we rose, Captain Andrews seeing me to my brother's door. "Hey," I said, turning back. "You said you got a couple of the other guys?"
"Yeah, they're already in the system. Dirty types, repeats. Your brother's lucky to be alive."
I thought about those guys having been to my mother’s house first, and felt like the most irresponsible son in the world. “Captain?”
The cop raised an eyebrow.
“I think those guys visited my mom’s house first, looking for Jarred. They broke a couple windows, scared my mom pretty good. I filed a report last night. In Inglewood.”
“I’ll pull it up and make sure it gets added to this incident.”
“Thanks.” I hoped the guys would be in jail for a while, at least long enough to get my mom moved somewhere safer.
I pulled open the hospital room door to see my brother—or the body of the guy who'd once been my little brother—bruised, bandaged, strung out, and painfully thin. He was asleep, but his forehead was covered with a slick of sweat and he was shaking beneath the thin blanket.
Despite every cell in my body screaming at me to back out, to leave him here because this wasn't something I could handle, I stepped closer to the bed and pulled up a chair. For a long minute I sat and stared at him, memories of us as kids flashing through my mind even though I didn't want to see any of them. My little brother, grinning at me as we explored the woods behind our house, his lanky limbs and mop of dark hair flopping into his eyes. I saw his trusting smile, the way he'd watch me and my friends when we wouldn't let him hang out with us. And every one of those memories suddenly seemed like a missed opportunity. If I'd said something different, let him tag along instead of telling him no ... If I'd been a more generous big brother instead of a selfish little shit, could I have saved him?
I dropped my head into my hands and let my heart shatter for a moment, let myself mourn for the innocence neither of us would ever manage again, for the way my mother's heart would break when she saw him like this.
"Hey," a hoarse whisper came from beside me and I forced myself to look up, to meet my little brother's eyes, to let him see that I knew I'd failed.
"Hey," I said, reaching out a hand to lay on top of his.
I should have done something sooner. I shouldn't have given up on him. This was my fault, and the guilt of it almost killed me. I dug up whatever set of balls had gotten me through the time I'd spent in Afghanistan and Syria, the iron will that had forced me to stay put when everything inside me screamed to run. And I held my little brother's hand and looked into those bloodshot eyes with as best a smile as I could muster. "We been looking for you, buddy."
His eyes slid shut again, and he let out a shuddering sigh. "I know. I fucked up, Jace."
I couldn't deny that, so I didn't try. All the anger I’d felt at Jarred slid away, replaced by a tenderness for this brother who’d always just wanted to be at my side.
"Is Mom here?" He asked after a few quiet minutes. My eyes were on our hands, and for a second I didn't hear my twenty-something year old brother at all. I heard the kid I'd fished and hiked with, the little boy I was supposed to protect, to take care of.
"Not yet," I told him. I couldn't tell him those guys had come to her place first, looking for him. I couldn't tell him that she'd been in danger because of his choices. He looked too vulnerable, like one more thing might break him completely.
