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“You okay?”
“I don’t know.”
She reached into his pocket, and his eyebrow arched. She grabbed his keys and pulled them out. “Let’s get out of here.”
“After everything that just went down, you don’t want to bolt?”
“Why would I?”
“My family is a dysfunctional mess.”
“Last Thanksgiving my sister locked herself in the bathroom for an hour because my dad made a joke about her forehead wrinkle. My dad also wears monster slippers, and my parents ride a golf cart around town. We all have our fair share of crazy.” She kissed his forehead like he’d done to her so many times. She’d found it comforting, and she hoped it had the same effect on him. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
She got in the driver seat, turned the car on, and pulled out of the long driveway. Unsure of where to go, she headed toward the beach. “Want to talk about it?”
Shane kept his eyes on the road in front of them. “I don’t know.”
Olivia always felt better when she could talk things out, but Shane was different. He didn’t wear his emotions on his sleeve for everyone to see like she did.
He snapped at dinner, but it wasn’t enough. He ran out before any real healing words could be spewed from his mouth. She almost wanted to bring him back, so he could finish. Cutting himself open and bleeding the thoughts and insecurities he’d been feeling for a while would rid him of the poison.
She turned down a side street and drove toward his place instead. It had become their sanctuary away from the outside world. She didn’t know what to say, so she waited for him to speak, but he never did. She pulled into the driveway and put the car in park.
They went into the house in silence. Olivia wanted to say something. Anything. There was so much that had happened, but the thing that stuck out to her the most was what his uncle had said to him. “What did your uncle mean by not knowing if you were still healthy?”
The skin on the bridge of his nose wrinkled. “It was nothing. I’m sure.”
It was something, though. She saw the concern in his uncle’s eyes, and she knew whatever it was, it was the missing piece. It was the thing he was keeping from her. Harper had told her just to ask him, and she didn’t think she could. Figured he would tell her when he was ready. But she’d waited long enough.
“Why do I feel like you’re not telling me something?”
His body tensed, shoulders rigid and eyes flashing annoyance. “What are you talking about?”
“I don’t know, Shane. I ask you about your friends in California, and you either change the subject or distract me with kisses. You talk about your mom, but I feel like there’s a huge chunk of your life missing. Is it something you’re ashamed of? Because I don’t care. I don’t care whatever it is because…I love you.”
***
Shane stumbled back at her admission. She loved him. Nobody other than his mom ever loved him. He wouldn’t let them. People got close, and he hurt them. He couldn’t do that to Olivia. She was everything that was good in the world, and he wouldn’t take that away from her.
Her eyes locked on his, hopeful yet scared. All he had to do was admit the truth. Tell her that he loved her, too. But he couldn’t. She deserved a future to look forward to, and he had no idea what his future held. For all he knew, he could live to be a senior citizen, never relapsing, and being healthy, strong. But what if he wasn’t so lucky? What if he got sick again? He refused to subject Olivia to that life. He watched Mom waste her days in sadness, never finding happiness after losing the love of her life. Then with what little time she had left, she gave it away to stay in a hospital with him.
Olivia couldn’t love him.
“Don’t say that,” he said.
“Say what?” Her eyes filled with hurt. “That I love you? I’m not taking it back.”
God she was feisty and strong willed. And damn it to hell, he did love her. He loved her more than he loved anyone before. He couldn’t imagine a day when he didn’t get to see that beautiful smile or hear her adorable giggle that flooded him with joy. But could he give her a life that she wanted?
Mom sacrificed her life for him, spending her days at doctor appointments and in hospital rooms. Then finally, when he was healthy and she could go back to her life, making up for all the lost time, she got sick. She didn’t win the battle. She lost, and in the end, her to-do list was left unchecked.
Shane couldn’t expect Olivia to sacrifice her life for him if it came to that. And even if she was able to, there was a possibility that he couldn’t have children. Infertility wasn’t uncommon in children who went through chemo and radiation. What if he stayed and she wanted a family, and he couldn’t give her that?
The only thing he’d be bringing to a relationship was uncertainty.
He met her gaze, brown eyes filled with such sorrow it damn near broke his heart. “Loving me is a mistake.”
“Why?” She practically begged, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tell her the truth, and maybe that made him a coward. “Just tell me?”
