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I skim my hand along the water, the current swirling around me, the thunder of the Falls’ calming white noise under the ripples. I need to think, and as has become my new habit, I’ve come back to the Falls. It really is the perfect spot to float, relax, and let everything fall away. I never fail to leave feeling regenerated, like the water has knitted back the broken bits inside of me.
Roan wasn’t too happy when I told him that I have been coming here on my own. He’d got that look in his eye, the one that said that he wanted to tie me to a chair and lecture me about my safety. I’d let him, too.
Because I love him, apparently.
I didn’t mean to. It just sort of… happened. I’d had the first inkling in my second session with Doctor Brordieu when I spent the whole time talking about Roan. In my defence, I’d originally meant it as a deflection technique when the doctor asked me about my nightmares because I made thevitalerror of yawning and admitting I hadn’t slept well the night before.
One comment about being busy with the house and the garden and working at the Black Stump and everything else and howgreatRoan has been, led to even more word vomit, and then I spilledthe whole damned thingto the doctor. He’d looked down his beaklike nose, blinking his owlish yellow eyes at me, tapping his pen on his notepad thoughtfully.
Then he’d said, in that unnaturally calm, unflappable voice of his, that it sounded like Roan was very important to me. I almost said it, too. Doctor Brordieu has this way about him that makes me want to spill everything inside me on the floor so he can put it all back together again.
I am not sure exactly what his being status is, but with those eyes and long claw-like fingers—not that I’m one to judge—he is definitely not human. Sometimes I hate that it’s impolite to ask when things are a bit obscure, like with fae, because it can leave you defenceless against their powers.
But that’s neither here nor there. It wasn’t compulsion or magic forcing me to blather on like an idiot; it was him, and his patience, and thoseeyes. They said that heunderstoodand didn’t judge.
Not even when I eventually told him that my friends had ventured into the Whisper Woods to kill an ancient fae who hadkidnapped me and murdered hundreds over the centuries. And that was pretty murky waters, legally.
I mean, there is no legal jurisdiction in the Woods—the beings there fend for themselves. But there are still some sticky laws about entering the Woods to strictly pursue illegal activities. He’d just smiled calmly and nodded, stating in that sedate voice of his that it sounded like a very intense situation. And then he asked how I felt about it all.
Anyway, back to Roan. I’d almost blurted it out. “Well, yeah of course he’s important. He is amazing, that’s why I love him.”
I’d managed to hold my tongue and murmured something incredibly unconvincing and rubbish, and Dr Brordieu had just scribbled on his pad while I nervously chugged the glass of water he always had waiting for me.
At first, I tried to convince myself that I meant that I loved him like a friend. But after I’d left the doctors’ offices in Twin Heads and had to occupy myself until Seldon could drive me back to the tavern, I’d been left with even more time to think. After chasing myself around in circles, drinking an iced latte and window shopping, and then actual shopping, I realised that, nope. I was “in love”love with Roan.
Going back to the tavern that night had been awkward as all get out. I didn’t know what to do with my hands, stuttering with the customers and just generally getting in the way.
Roan had slid me some wary looks over the night, trying to pull me aside to see if I was okay, but I dodged him at every turn. It was Mauvy that finally cornered me, dragging me back into the kitchens after I’d dropped and smashed half a dozen glasses. She plonked me down on one of the kitchen stools and stuck a plate of fries in front of me, and then she’d waited.
I think she and Dr Brordieu might be related, because her round eyes and eternal patience had me squirming and shoving extra fries into my mouth. Can’t talk if your mouth is full, right?
But then Roan had walked into the kitchen to ask for one of the kitchen staff to run to the cellars for more of Caelan’s rose petal wine. I’d flushed an undoubtedly attractive red colour, the pointy tips of my ears burning furiously.
All it took was for Mauvy to take one look at me, shovingeven morepotato in my mouth and she’d known. I saw it in her kind, round face. Except she wasn’t kind then, she was exasperated, huffing something about men getting their shit together before she dies of old age, and then she pulled me into a hug, smashing my face into her more than ample bosom.
It’d been hard to chew the far too many fries in my mouth, but I managed and hugged her back, because Mauvy gives the best hugs, kind of like what I imagined a mother’s would be like, if they weren’t heartless and dead inside. You know?
She sent me back to work eventually, making me promise not to break anything else, or she’d have me scrubbing the grease traps.
“Don’t tell him, please,” I’d whispered, both my hands in hers as we pulled apart from another hug. Her full cheeks had almost squished her eyes shut with her smile, and she’d squeezed my hands.
I know everyone knew Roan and I were sleeping together—it’s not like we’re subtle about it. Especially not about the fact that he had spent every night in my bed since that first one. But I didn’t want to be the poor sap they pitied, mooning over their boss and friend.
“I don’t like keeping things from Roan. He’s my best friend and business partner. But I won’t tell him.Youshould though. And soon.” She’d scoffed and smacked my arm when I’d dramatically rolled my eyes.
“That sounds terrible. Absolutely not. You give terrible advice, Mauvy. You should make it up to me with chocolate lava cake.” She laughed and shoved me from the kitchen to get back to work.
But then I had a chocolate lava cake delivered to me with my lunch the next day when I was digging in the garden.
I keep floating on my back in the cool water, occasionally dragging my arms through the waves to move myself about. Even though today is my day off, I’ve got to be careful of the time, so I keep an eye on the sun as it passes overhead.
Over the last month, I’ve been taking them, days off I mean, much to everyone’s joy. Apparently, they’d all had Big Conversations about me avoiding emotions through work, just like Roan said. I’ve only had four sessions with the good Doctor, and he’d agreed. I’d been well and truly outvoted, and so I agreed to lay off a bit.
At first it sucked, especially because it meant that progress had slowed a little on the house, but it had been very apparent that I had two settings—overworked, or depressed mess holed up in a nest in my bed. I’d sulked for a bit, but after a bit of practice, I’d gotten the hang of it. The only thing I haven’t been able to give up is the garden.
I’ve been working there every day, puttering around, planning, digging, building. What the hard work in the house had done for my self confidence and mind, the garden was doing for my spirit.
Things have been happening.
