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"Yes, well, the others made their beds, didn't they? You tried, Viola. With all four of my children, you tried your best to see the goodin them and bring them back into this world."
"Please." My voice is embarrassingly brittle. "I need to know if the path I chose was the right one."
"Who is to say what is right or wrong? It is all relative to the experiences you lived." She crosses one leg daintily over the other and tilts her head to the side as she flays me open with her gaze.
"This is your truth now, Viola. And nothing I say will change it."
I want to yell, fight, and demand to know the true history of Krillium. I want to know every part of it so I can dissect every choice I made and every sacrifice I made to ensure I ended up where I was supposed to be.
But I don't.
There is no use.
She's right. I cannot go back and change it. What good is the knowledge at this point? The decisions that I have made up until this point will define me, and knowing the past won't change that.
"Why am I here, Equinox?"
The soft smile that graces her face cuts open a wound I did not know existed. When did my mother ever smile at me like that? Maybe I should ask her to change forms. This is brutal. Her dark hair is short and straight, caressing her jaw in a way Max's sometimes did. Her muscular body is relaxed, dressed in shorts and a vest similar to my own.
She is my mother, but she is not.
"You're here so I can give you advice as the new Equinox."
"I'm notthe Equinox," I insist. "I am the Shadowweaver."
Her chuckle echoes in the shadowy expanse. "I know that. But the Eternal Equinox is called that for a reason. You are eternal. It is your responsibility to balance the realm now."
"I do not want to go to the veil," I say quickly, fear of losing those I love clogging my throat.
"And you will not have to," she says kindly. "You are a human of the Lowlands first. You will reside there, just with the powers of the Equinox. I believe being among others is the key to success." The Equinox rubs the back of her neck with her hand, eyes downcast. "That was my downfall, I think. I was crushed with loneliness in the veil, and that is why I created the Gods of the Seasons, my children. In Krillium, you will have others to help you balance and guide you. You will succeed where I failed."
"I never asked for any of this," I say weakly, knowing it will have no effect. This is a trajectory I have been heading towards from the moment I slipped through Jaz's window.
"Which is why you will be so good at it." Her eyes, twins to my own, crinkle with kindness.
"I don't want to be eternal." Avidor's taunts about how Gods are immortal and that fae are not roll through my brain. Thinking of living forever without those that I love is enough to cause the pain in my chest to flair up again.
The eternal being in my mother's flesh shrugs. "So don't. I can teach you how to pass the power on safely when you are done."
"That's possible?"
"My child, you are the magic that sustains the realm. If youwill it, it will happen."
A calm washes over me. "So I am not trapped?" I ask hesitantly. The idea of being locked into this is the worst thing I can think of. I know right now I am needed in this role, but it won't be forever. I look at my hands, still covered with Himureal's blood, and stare at the rot that creeps up the back of them.
"That power you see is dangerous, Viola," the Equinox says. "It cannot go to just anyone."
"How will I know who should have it?"
"You will know," she says unhelpfully. "Just as you knew your high priest, you will know your successor."
The still-fresh wound Zeph left inside me throbs at her words. When I don't respond, she speaks quickly, explaining the process for passing my power on without destroying my mortal body. It's complicated and involved, and I will probably forget the process in the years it will take for me to find my successor and be ready to move on. She insists I'll know, though, and it will come naturally to me.
I'm not sure how long we spent in the shadow vision, discussing my responsibilities toward the realm and how I can ensure that what happened this time does not happen again. She shared her theories about why the prior high priests were not the appropriate counters and conduits for their Gods. I heard stories about the Gods when they were younger and the hopes and dreams the Equinox has for the realm.
By the end of the conversation, the Equinox did not look like my mother anymore. Somewhere during the conversation, herface aged, her hair whitened, and she began to seem weaker and weaker.
"I do have one question," I say when there is a lull in the conversation. "My high priest always wondered, and I… I want to know for him." I scratch the back of my neck to disguise the prickle that arises there when I think of Zeph. "What season does Water fall under?"
