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She wears her emotions on her fucking sleeve and the pain that washes over her face is impossible to conceal.
Even after all this time, all I do is inflict pain on her.
THREE
AINSLEY
What the fuck.
What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.
My mind is a fucking hurricane right now. I knew that we were getting a new admit today. I just started working at the front desk. I didn’t bother looking at it, because it didn’t occur to me that it might be the very ghost that’s been haunting me for the past year.
When I talked to my mom last week, she told me that Killian was getting out early. We didn’t talk about him much because it was a sensitive subject. That night, I suffered from more than just some broken bones. My heart was ripped out of my fucking chest.
He took every last piece of me and locked it away in the cell that they put him in. My mother refused to let me come clean about the drugs being mine. Killian had insisted that he took the fall and my mom was on his side. It was out of my control. I was the reason why he got locked up that night and why he spent the last year in prison.
I fucking ruined everything between us and ruined his life in the process.
There was no way to heal from that. The only thing that I could do was come to terms with it and move on. Part of my progress in treatment involved forgiving myself. I had to forgive myself for every unspeakable thing that I did during that dark point in my life.
I had to forgive myself for ruining Killian’s life.
It was a long, hard year. It took me so long to come to terms with everything. It wasn’t easy and it was painful as hell. But I got through it. I was back on my own two feet and finally doing well in life. I was focusing on myself and getting to a good point mentally.
Every step that I made went out the door the minute that he walked in here.
My mom told me that Killian was going into treatment. She let me know that it was court appointed. I don’t think she knew where he was going, because I’m sure she would have told me. There’s many different ones around here, but part of me wonders if she did know, if maybe this was her plan all along.
I didn’t bother asking any questions and I should have. I should have shown more interest, but it hurt too much to talk about him. Knowing how much he should hate me after that night. I know how much I hate myself for that, but that’s something else that I’ve been trying to work on.
It’s like we were both completely in the dark. He wasn’t expecting to see me here anymore than I was expecting to see him. This was such a cluster fuck and there’s no way for either of us to get out of this now.
Better Daze offers jobs to their past patients that are doing well. It’s part of the program here. You work while you’re in treatment here. But after, as long as you continue to go to meetings and stay clean, they present you with legitimate job offers. It’s really a great thing that they have going on here.
As an addict in recovery, getting a job isn’t always an easy task. They really do care about helping you even after your inpatient treatment is completed. I had been living in the halfway house for the past few months and was getting ready to go back home soon. I had wanted to get an apartment of my own, but I don’t know that I’m ready for that yet.
Better Daze is an alternative medicine type of treatment facility. Contrary to the misinformed belief, they use marijuana as their main course of treatment for getting people off of opiates. They use it in conjunction with psych medications to treat underlying mental conditions.
I was skeptical when I first came here. Growing up, everyone always talked about marijuana being a gateway drug. But that’s not what it is at all. It’s more of an exit drug. It’s helped me immensely, along with the therapy and the anxiety and depression medications that they put me on.
It’s literally been life changing being here.
I was working in the dispensary that they also own, where some of the patients work. As soon as I heard about a position opening at the front desk, I jumped at the opportunity. It had been going well and I was actually enjoying it. In a week, I’ll be able to work here full time on my own. Desi was back in school, so she was only going to be working weekends, so I was taking her position.
Right now, in this moment, I regret this fucking decision.
Killian shouldn’t be here, but I can’t deny that this is the best place for him to be.
For the past year, I imagined what it would be like to see him again. To touch him again, to feel his skin under mine. I didn’t know that it would ever happen because he has every right to hate me.
The thought of seeing him again also scared the fucking shit out of me. We were toxic. We are a tragedy waiting to happen. I thought that our tragedy had already happened. In my soul, I knew that I would never be able to move on from him, but part of me accepted that I would maybe have to one day.
I was scared to see him again because the way we love is frightening. We’re destructive, to each other and ourselves. I lost all hope of us ever being able to have a normal relationship. I don’t even know what that would look like. Hell, I was delusional for even thinking that there would ever be anything between us again.
The look in his eye was anything but hate and that shook me to my core. That hurt more than anything. I deserve his pain, not his acceptance. Not his fucking hope.
There’s no hope for us. There never was.
