AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Killian figured out what he wanted.
After him stumbling through life with no direction, no clear picture of his future, he finally fucking had it figured out. And I let him walk out of my room without offering a simple response.
The real question is, did Killian make the changes that he needed to in order for us to have a future together? One that isn’t filled with the toxicity that we’ve been living in for the past year.
I can’t expect him to change overnight. There were things that I had taken care of and revisited through therapy that makes me feel like I’m in a better place mentally than I once was. If we want things to work, we have to really make them fucking work. I can’t deal with the hot and cold, back-and-forth bullshit. The whiplash threatens to decimate my brain like a goddamn bomb.
There’s no way that Killian can force me to believe him. There’s no way for him to show me that he really changed without me giving him a chance. By giving him a chance, I’m putting everything on the line again. I’m handing him over my heart and risking him crushing it within his palms.
When I was numbing my mind and pain with drugs and alcohol, I didn’t give a fuck about the consequences. I didn’t trust him with my heart then, but I gave it to him anyway. I survived the ruin between us before and even though I don’t know that I will again, there’s only one way to really find out.
Are we really living a life that’s worth living without taking any risks?
I sit, unmoving, as I continue to stare at the door. My ears strain against the silence in my room, listening for any movement from in the hallway. I don’t know how much time passes that I sit here in the quiet, but eventually I force myself to move.
Climbing off the bed, my footsteps are light as I pad across my bedroom and reach for the doorknob. Slowly, I turn it to the side, careful to be quiet as I pull the door open. I open it just far enough that I’m able to look through the small crack with one eye. I don’t see any movement on the other side and from what I can see, Killian’s door is shut.
I quietly creep into the hallway, leaving my door ajar as I slip past Killian’s room and head down the hall. At the opposite end, I find my mother’s bedroom and let myself in without knocking. Thankfully, she’s still awake, and she glances over at me as she turns away from the show that she’s watching on her TV.
“Everything okay, honey?” she asks, grabbing the remote as she turns down the volume. She sits up further in bed, patting on the mattress as I stand awkwardly in the doorway.
I shrug, stepping farther into the room and push the door shut behind me. “I just needed someone to talk to.”
My mom gives me a knowing look, grabbing her comforter and sheet as she peels them back and motions for me to climb into her bed. I slip into the warm silk sheet, settling on the pillow as I pull the covers up to my chin.
“What’s going on? Did something happen?” she questions me softly as she watches me with a careful eye.
Taking a deep breath, I sigh as I prop my elbow on the pillow and rest my head on my hand. “Killian came to see me after he got home tonight.”
“How did that go?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper, closing my eyes as I remember the look on his face as he split open his heart and bled all over my bedroom floor. “He wants us to try again. After everything, he still thinks that we could make this work.”
My mom’s brow furrows, but there’s no judgment in her eyes. “And you don’t think it could? You say after everything, but are you including how far you both have come into the equation too?”
“Do you really think that it could?” I ask her, my eyes desperately searching hers for some kind of answer. “I mean, the whole situation is all kinds of messed up.”
“But is it really?”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “Can’t you just tell me what to do? You are my mom, after all. You’re supposed to know all of the answers and what the right thing is for me.”
My mom laughs lightly, her expression softening. “I’m just here to guide you in the right direction, honey. I can’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t do.”
I swallow hard over the knives lodged in my throat. “I’m afraid,” I admit quietly. “I don’t want everything to go to shit again.”
“So, you’re letting your fear control your decisions then?” She means nothing ill with her question, she’s genuinely asking. She’s forcing me to take a step back and reevaluate. To take a look deep inside and see what is really holding me back. “Nothing in life is guaranteed, Ainsley. We can’t control what happens in the future, but if you don’t take any chances, you won’t know what you’re missing out on.”
“Yeah, but if I can avoid another heartbreak, that is something that I can control.”
“That’s life, honey.” She gives me a sad, small smile. “Life will try to break you any chance that it can get. The beauty of it is, we don’t have to let it. We may not be able to control what happens, but we control our responses to what happens.”
“So, you think that I should try again with him?”
“I think that my opinion doesn’t matter.” She pauses, her eyes shining back at mine. “I think that you need to follow your heart instead of overthinking everything. I know that you guys had a rough go and went through so much. But look at how far both of you have come separately. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it because we brought him in as your foster brother, but that doesn’t matter. He was never your brother.”
I cringe inwardly at the reference. “Yeah, I never really saw him as my brother, thank god.”
My mom laughs lightly again, the soft melody warming my heart. “He loves you, Ainsley. And as much as I hated the way you two were in your active addiction, I wouldn’t pick anyone else for you. The way that that boy loves you… it’s not something that many people are blessed with in their lives.”
