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“Hi,” I say softly, not fully knowing where the fuck to start here.
Ainsley’s expression softens and she pulls her comforter over her lap. “Hi.”
“I know that we were supposed to go to lunch tomorrow, but this can’t wait anymore.” I pause, chewing on the inside of my lip. “Can you please just give me a few minutes to say what I need to say?”
“Okay,” she says quietly, threading her fingers together as she places her linked hands on her lap. “What is it, Killian?”
My heart constricts, hearing my name on her tongue. I’ve fucking missed her so goddamn much, it rips me to shreds.
“I’m tired of wasting time.” I turn to face her, my eyes burning holes through hers. “I don’t want to live life without you, baby girl. You’re my fucking home. You’re my goddamn soul. Since the moment we met, I knew that I found what my heart was looking for. I fought it hard at first, but that’s because you scared the shit out of me. You still do.”
Ainsley’s eyes widen as she sits motionless in her bed. I can see her pulse throbbing in the side of her neck. Her knuckles are blanched as she clenches her hands together. “You didn’t want me to wait for you.”
“I thought so little of myself. I hated myself so much that I didn’t think that I deserved you. Hell, maybe I don’t. After all of the therapy sessions with Nolan, my thoughts changed. I might not deserve you, but I want to. I want to be better for you. I want to be the man that you deserve to be loved by.”
Tears fill her eyes, but they don’t spill over the edge. “What are you trying to say, Killian?”
“I’m saying that I fucking love you, Ainsley.” I swallow hard over the emotion that is thick in my throat. “You are it for me. I want to be with you. I want to marry you one day and have little baby angels that look just like you.”
A sob slips from her lips, but she quickly recovers, hastily wiping the tears from her face as they quickly fall. “How am I supposed to believe you?”
My throat constricts. “I know that I deceived you before in the past. I know that I betrayed you and pushed you away. At the time, I thought that I was doing the right thing every time. I can’t make you believe me, but all I can do is beg for your forgiveness. Give me a chance to show you that you can trust me, baby girl.”
“I don’t know, Killian,” she whispers, the emotion thick in her voice. “I just don’t know. After everything that happened between us… I can’t go through that a second time and how am I supposed to know that it won’t happen again?”
“You asked me what I think happens after we die.” I pause, watching her expression as she replays that conversation in her mind. “After we die, we pass into the next life. Our souls are bound together. I believe that our souls knew each other in our past lives and they will in our lives to come. We’re one and the same, Ainsley. Where you go, I go.
“I never thought about the future before because I never thought I deserved to have one. Now, when I think of the future, I know what I want it to be. I want it to be you. You are all that I see, Ainsley.”
She stares back at me, the tears streaming freely down the sides of her face. Her lips part as a ragged breath slips out. “I—” she starts and immediately stops.
“I don’t need you to say anything, baby girl,” I tell her as I abruptly rise from the bed. “I just needed you to know how I feel. If you don’t want anything to do with me, I respect your decision. I won’t push you or be mad at you for it.”
“Killian,” she says softly, her voice cracking around my name.
I shake my head. “Just think about it, Ainsley. When you’re ready to speak your truth, you know where to find me.”
Without giving her a chance to respond, I slip out of her room, pulling the door shut behind me as I head across the hallway to my room. As I walk inside, I shut my door and head straight to my bed. It feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders from finally getting it out and telling her what I needed her to know.
I can’t help but feel a new weight that settles deep in my chest.
Our future is in Ainsley’s hands now.
I just hope that she doesn’t decide to throw it away…
THIRTY-ONE
AINSLEY
My heart is in my throat as I stare blankly at the door that he just closed behind him. I exhale, letting out the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. Killian was a force to be reckoned with and when there was something that he wanted, nothing was going to stop him from getting it.
I knew that he wanted to have a conversation—to talk like adults for once instead of fighting like the damaged children trapped inside our souls. He dropped a bomb on me of epic proportions. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to expect when he first told me that he wanted to talk to me.
What I wasn’t expecting was him wanting to jump headfirst into something that once destroyed us.
The drugs were never our problem. We were both addicted, but we were addicted to each other. We were forced to quit, to terminate any contact. Even though three months isn’t a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, it still gave us the time to heal apart from each other.
It gave us space and time to look deep inside, to figure out what we wanted in life. The changes needed to be made in order to achieve the things that we wanted.
