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Jude nods, his smile not quite reaching his sad eyes. “I’m sorry for not being the big brother that you needed.”
“Now is your chance to make it right. Be the big brother that I still need and I’ll be the little sister that hopefully doesn’t make your life a living hell anymore.”
A small chuckle slips from his lips, and as if on cue, our mother walks back into the room with a smile on her face. There’s no doubt in my mind that she was standing in the hallway, eavesdropping. And judging by the look on her face, she couldn’t be happier right now. This is all she ever wanted.
This is all that I ever wanted.
Maybe we don’t form the sibling bond that we should have. And maybe it won’t work out the way that we’re hoping it will. But that’s the thing about hope…
Hope is simply a risk. And sometimes it’s a risk worth taking.
TWENTY-NINE
AINSLEY
The next day passes by in a blur. We’re so busy at the treatment center right now, I literally didn’t even get a second to stop and think about Killian while I was actually working. He was still in bed when I left this morning and my mom was at her morning yoga class, so I didn’t have to see either of them. And after seeing Jude yesterday, my mind feels like a goddamn whirlwind.
Around lunchtime, I get a text from my mom, letting me know that it will just be the two of us for dinner. Killian has to work this evening and won’t be home until much later. She wants to go out to Rosario’s, one of her favorite Italian restaurants.
I don’t deny her guilty pleasure and reluctantly agree to go before tucking my phone into my pocket and getting back to work.
Before I know it, the day is over and I’m climbing back into my car and heading home. It’s weird how we fall into these weird, mundane routines. But at the same time, it’s almost weirder that most of us thrive off of some kind of structure. Life is just really fucking strange.
My mom is waiting for me when I get home, so I quickly head up to my room and change. I avoid Killian’s room, even though he isn’t here. But I can’t seem to walk past it without having my eyes cemented to it. I wish we didn’t have to lose so much time between us already.
Am I ready to bleed for him again?
I guess we’ll find out…
I head back downstairs and follow my mom out to her car. We both get in, falling into an insignificant conversation, going over both of our days. That sounds really arrogant, thinking about my words. It’s not that I don’t care about what she has to say, but I have so much other shit running through my mind right now, I can’t fully focus on everything that she is saying.
Since my parents got divorced and my father moved out, my mom has been trying to rediscover who she is. I know that she got rid of all of the alcohol in the house for my benefit, but it’s also for herself too. She was really starting to develop a problem. Hell, she had a problem for many years. I never would have considered her an alcoholic because I lived with her, I knew her habits, but someone from the outside might have called her that.
My mom quit drinking when I went into the treatment facility. I think that deep down, she knew that she needed to kick the bad habit that she had developed. And I’m pretty sure that me going through my own struggles with drugs and then getting help was the final push that she needed. She was always strong, she just never gave herself enough credit.
I was insanely proud of her for doing it. Through her journey, she started to do yoga and do things for herself. She dabbled in different things, whether it be art, reading, or writing. She was trying to discover what really sparked her interest. What her true passions are. She had spent so many years caring for her family and now it was time for her to take care of herself.
If there was anyone in this world that deserved happiness, it was my mother.
We pull into the parking lot of the restaurant and she finds a spot near the front of the building. She had already called and made a reservation for us, so when we walk into the restaurant, we don’t have to wait with the rest of the people that are waiting for an available table.
The hostess takes us to our table and we each take a seat, sitting across from each other. My mother scans the menu and I stare at the flame that flickers from the candle in the center of the table. The room is dim, but the flame shines brightly. It makes me think of Killian. Of the way that we danced in the flames and became the fire until it ultimately consumed us, burning us on our way out.
“Ainsley?” My mother’s gentle voice breaks through my thoughts. I lift my eyes from the candle and meet hers as she tilts her head to the side. “Do you know what you want to drink?”
I glance up at our server who stands with a bright smile on her face as she waits for my answer. “Uh, I’ll just take a water with lemon, please.”
“I’ll have the same,” my mom tells her with a smile. I look back at her, noting that she didn’t bother ordering a bottle of wine like she typically would. My lips curl upward and tears of happiness prick the corners of my eyes.
“I know that I never really took the time to tell you, but I’m really proud of you, Mom,” I tell her honestly, my eyes staring into her soft brown irises. “After everything that we all put you through, you are really doing well for yourself. I’m just really proud of all of the progress you’ve made in life too.”
Her bottom lip quivers and she hastily wipes a tear from her face as she smiles back at me. “Honey, that’s just the way life goes. We mess up, others mess it up, but we just have to pick ourselves back up and keep going.” She pauses for a moment. “There’s actually something that I’d like to talk to you about since we’re on this subject, but order our food first.”
Our server shows back up at our table with both of our waters and takes our order for our food. Panic builds in the pit of my stomach as I stare at my mother while our server disappears from the table.
“What did you want to talk about?” I ask her, unable to conceal the nervousness that laces within my words. I swallow hard over the knives in my throat as my eyes search hers.
My mother takes a sip of her water, carefully setting it down as she folds her hands in her lap. “So, you know that I’ve been doing a lot of looking inward of myself. Trying to rediscover myself and what I want in life. What drives me, what I’m actually passionate about.”
