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But there’s no way that I could ever hate him.
I’ve been in my new apartment for two weeks now and it still feels fucking weird. I like having my own space and I like the silence, but it doesn’t feel like home. There’s no one looking over my shoulder and making sure that I stay in line. I was afraid that maybe once the leash was removed, I would resort back to my old ways.
Weirdly, I haven’t had the desire to get high at all. Sure, the thought is there.It’s always there.But even more, I need this to work. There was a point where I felt so low that I just wanted to die. I didn’t want to live this life anymore, at least not the way that I was living it.
I’m finally figuring myself out and what I want out of life. I now know that I want this life and I want it with Killian. I just need him to see that he’s worthy of this too. His life doesn’t have to be the way that he grew up thinking it would be.
We made plans to meet in the garden tonight after I get done with work. Tomorrow, he moves out of the facility and into the halfway house. We will no longer be under the same roof and in the same building. I don’t know how we’re going to make it work, but we have to. There has to be some way that we can work around the obstacles.
I close out of all of the windows that are opened on my computer and log out. After organizing everything and putting the supplies back, I slide my chair back and rise to my feet. As I push the chair back in, the door buzzes open and Nolan walks through with his bag, leaving for the night.
Glancing over at him, I give him a warm smile. “Have a good night, Nolan.”
His eyes meet mine and a smile doesn’t touch his lips. He walks over to the desk, clutching his bag in one hand as he stops in front of me. “Can you come with me? There’re some things that I need to discuss with you.”
Panic instantly floods my system and I can’t fight the feeling of dread that brews in the pit of my stomach. I purse my lips, swallowing roughly as I give him a curt nod. Nolan turns away from me, walking toward the door that he came through, but he bypasses it and continues on to the next one.
Fuck.
My stomach fucking sinks and I feel the color drain from my face. I watch him walk into the security room, feeling the bile rising up my throat as the acid in my stomach churns viciously.
I tuck my sweaty hands into my pockets and follow him into the room, quietly closing the door behind me. Nolan stands in the middle of the room, facing one of the computer monitors that flips through live video feeds from various cameras throughout the facility.
“I think you know why we’re in here, right?” Nolan questions me as he slowly turns around. There’s nothing vile in his expression or his body language. I can’t help but notice the look of disappointment that flashes through his eyes.
I swallow hard, my eyes burning as I nod.
Nolan’s nostrils flare and his chest rises as he inhales deeply. “You know that this is something that could get both of you kicked out of treatment. You would also lose your job, and Killian would have to find another facility or he would go back to jail.”
“I know,” I whisper, not fully trusting my voice as I swallow back the vomit that rises in my throat. This was my worst fucking nightmare. Killian said that we were untouchable. He was fucking wrong.
“We have a strict policy of patients not engaging in this type of behavior. And that doesn’t even begin to cover how ethically wrong it is for staff to become involved with a patient.” Nolan pauses, pursing his lips as he tucks his hands into the front pockets of his slacks. “You already know this though. I’m sure that it’s not necessary that we go back over this, is it?”
I shake my head. “I know. It was never my intention for things to get out of control like they did. It just kind of happened.”
“You’re the one from his past, aren’t you?” Nolan asks, his voice curious with no judgment. “It makes sense now. Both of you were in car accidents. I’m not your therapist, so I don’t know as much as I know from Killian, but now it all makes sense.”
I hang my head in defeat, knowing that it’s really over. A long time ago, we thought that we had ruined our lives. We officially did it. “I’m sorry,” I whisper as a tear falls from my eyes. My chin quivers and I violently wipe the tears from my face as I squeeze my eyes shut in an effort to contain them. “You don’t understand our past or our relationship. There’s no way that it could have been avoided with us seeing each other here.”
“Hmm,” Nolan hums. “I see that now, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it is something that we prohibit here. You and Killian both broke the rules. And not only that, you know how badly something like this could jeopardize someone’s recovery.”
I lift my head, my eyes meeting his head-on as I lift my chin and push my shoulders back. “So, what happens now? What are you going to do about it?”
Nolan tilts his head to the side, assessing my face for a moment. “Nothing. Right now.” He pauses, shifting his weight on his feet. “This is where it ends. It stops now, Ainsley.”
“Okay,” I say quietly, not breaking eye contact. “It stops now.”
“He will be leaving for the sober living house tomorrow. You will continue working here. You are not to have contact with him until he is discharged from there. Do you understand me?”
I swallow roughly over the emotion that is thick in my throat. “Yes.”
“If I hear about Killian sneaking around while he is in the halfway house, he will be kicked out of the program.” Nolan stops for a moment, pursing his lips as he sighs. “He hasn’t been an easy patient and I would hate to see his progress derailed when he is in there and has more freedom. You need to leave him alone, Ainsley. When he’s discharged, that is beyond my control, but while it is in my control, I’m putting a stop to it now.”
“Okay,” I nod, the dread still rolling in my stomach. “I was supposed to go see him tonight.”
Nolan’s jaw tics and he narrows his eyes. “I will give you this last time to see him. Killian being blindsided by you washing your hands of him could potentially be worse. You can see him and tell him and then it’s done.”
I nod quickly, turning on my heel as Nolan stands in the center of the security room with his eyes on me. “Thank you,” I tell him over my shoulder. “And I really am sorry.”
