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Did we listen to any of the warning signs? No.
We held our middle fingers in the air to the red flags and continued on. Even though there were people who were suspicious, we kept sneaking around. Even after Ezra threatened Killian, we tried to keep our distance, but it never worked out. In the end, we always ended up together. The invisible rope that tied our souls together refused to fray. It refused to be shredded into pieces.
Instead, the magnetic force between us always pulled us back together.
And here we are again. Doing the same fucking thing. Repeating history as if we didn’t learn from our mistakes in the past.
My chest heaves, my heart rate slowing as I suck in another shaky breath. My reasons for being in Killian’s room this morning was innocent. Sure, I was there to question him, but I was also there as a favor for Nolan.
Even though we didn’t do anything wrong, I still felt guilty as fuck. Just us being alone together is always a bad idea and having that nurse show up, goddamn. It felt like I was caught red-handed, my hands stained with both of our blood as I mashed our hearts together.
We’re a beautiful fucking masterpiece, but we’re not meant to be. The universe is constantly working against us. And sometimes a magnetic force just isn’t enough. We’re a disaster that has already happened. There’s no waiting for us to ruin each other. We’ve already been there and done that, both of us with the scars in our souls to prove it.
We’re slow dancing in the flames, but we’re slowly burning. It won’t be long until this blows up in our face and we both go up in flames.
It won’t be long until we become the flame.
The anxiety doesn’t leave as it fucks my system hard. I can’t run from Killian without talking to him about it. And I know that talking to him never gets anything accomplished. He has a hold on me that I can’t escape. He’s a charmer, and I’m the fucking snake.
He’ll talk me out of it, like he always does.
It’s time that I surrender to him, to our destruction, because there’s no way that either of us are getting out of this alive this time.
* * *
The day passes by quickly.With the new admits and the amounts of paperwork that I’m drowning in, it’s easy to keep my mind preoccupied. Killian lingers in the dark depths of my mind, like he always does, but he isn’t my main focus. I’m able to stay busy and distracted and not entertain the thoughts of him like I usually do. I had been meaning to stop by his room to give him my number, but at the same time, I don’t know if I’m ready for the contact outside of these walls.
As I end my shift, it’s a struggle, forcing myself to leave without seeing him. It’s something that I know that I need to do. After this morning, I don’t know that I can see him right now and still be able to walk away. I need space. I need to breathe in air that isn’t his, that doesn’t smell like him.
Killian has always silenced the noise in my head—in the world around me. Right now, I don’t want that silence. He consumes everything around me, sucking me deep into the dark vortex of him. It’s dangerous. It’s something that I just need a break from.
I collect my things and slip into the break room to clock out. The room is empty when I enter, so I’m able to leave the building without having to talk to anyone. I don’t know that I could entertain a conversation with a single person right now. I just need to be alone with the thoughts that plague my mind.
My fingers tap on my phone screen as I call for an Uber instead of calling someone else for a ride. Desi texted me earlier, but I sent her a short message telling her that I was swamped and had a ride home. Any other messages from her, I didn’t even bother to open because I knew that I would just leave her on read.
My body moves on autopilot as I climb into the Uber. I slide my AirPods into my ears after saying hi to the driver, killing any possibility of conversation. It seems like sometimes, other people just fucking get it without you having to provide an explanation.
I watch the driver’s fingers touch the volume and he turns up his own music as we drive back to the halfway house, not needing to talk about mundane bullshit. Scooting closer to the door, I lean my head against the window and stare blankly outside, watching our surroundings pass in a blur as the car moves.
It doesn’t take long for me to dissociate as I continue to stare blankly. My eyes appear as if I’m focused on the scenery outside the window, but I really don’t see anything as we drive past. I can see it, but it doesn’t register in my mind. I’m lost in my thoughts, plagued by Killian and where the fuck we’re supposed to go from here.
The driver pulls the car up out front of the halfway house. I give him a tip and thank him for the ride before disappearing into the house. Voices float from the kitchen, but I bypass it as I stride up the stairs and head directly into my bedroom. Softly closing it behind me, I head directly to my bed and collapse face down onto the mattress.
My face is buried in the pillows and I breathe in deeply, sucking the silk material into my mouth and nose. It’s suffocating. No oxygen enters my system. My lungs constrict, my body screaming as I starve it of the oxygen that it so desperately needs. I feel my pulse pounding in my neck and my throat constricts as I continue to alternate between holding my breath and breathing in the material of my pillowcase.
A vibrating sound rings in the distance. I hear it. I know that it’s coming from my phone, but I ignore it. My mind is floating, growing hazy as I suffocate myself. My mind screams at me to lift my head, to take a real fucking breath, but I don’t. A warmth spreads through my body, the adrenaline flooding my system as my survival instincts kick in.
Fuck them.
I’m tired of surviving. I’m tired of doing what I have to do just to fucking get by. The only time that I truly feel like I’m living is with Killian, and I’m struggling with the feelings of guilt as I do that. I shouldn’t feel guilty for living, for finally being happy in life.
My phone vibrates again. The sound drills my eardrums as the whooshing sound of my blood gets drowned out. A groan rumbles in my chest and I finally roll over, lifting my head away from the pillow case as I take a deep breath.
The air rushes into my lungs, my body coming down from the clouds as I reward my cells with oxygen. My vision comes back into focus and the distortion slowly dissipates as I sit up. A smile touches my lips as my body sways from the rush that I was riding, the room tilting slightly from my quick movements.
I’ve never done anything like this before and in the moment it seemed like a good idea. I’m playing a dangerous fucking game as an addict. Anything can become an addiction if you’re not careful. And playing with my own mortality could easily become a compulsion that would consume me.
I’m irritated and annoyed as I reach for my purse that fell onto the floor. Pulling it up onto the bed beside me, I reach inside, grabbing my phone. I should be thanking whoever the hell is on the other line for pulling me out of the havoc I was wrecking on myself, but instead I’m just fucking mad.
