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Desi and I might be friends, but I don’t know that we’re at that point that we can confide in each other. At least not about our secrets like that. I told her the bare minimum about Killian. When it comes down to it, what happened between us doesn’t concern anyone but us.
We fall back into a comfortable silence, and I stare out the window absentmindedly as we get closer to the halfway house. Today wasn’t the worst day that I’ve ever had, but it hasn’t been the best since I started my recovery journey.
Desi slows the car as she pulls up along the street out front of the halfway house. She puts the car in park, turning to face me as I start to open my door. “Things will get better, girl. I know it might not seem like it right now and having him so close is threatening to derail your progress. But it will get better. It will get easier.”
“I just feel like today was such a fucking setback,” I whisper, shaking my head as I push the door open. “I wasn’t expecting to see him. It’s too fucking soon. I’m not ready to really face him and face everything that has happened.”
“Did you go out and get high today?” She raises her eyebrows at me. “You had your biggest trigger thrown in your face. Did you go get high to run away from your problems?”
“No,” I say quietly, shaking my head again. I swallow hard, lifting my chin to look at her. “I didn’t go get high.”
Desi’s lips curl upward as they spread into a grin, her bright white teeth shining back at me. “Ainsley. Do you not see how big of an accomplishment that is? That’s something to be fucking proud of.”
My eyes bounce back and forth, searching hers. I didn’t think of it that way and now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t know if the thought about using even entered my mind after seeing him. It was suffocating. For the first time in a long time, I was able to handle my strongest emotions without running and sticking a needle in my arm.
“The day’s not over yet,” I mumble, not giving myself the same credit that she is. She’s right, I should be proud, but there’s truth in my words too. Once I’m alone, it’s a different story. There’s no telling how I’m going to continue to cope.
“Don’t talk like that,” she sighs. “I know those self loathing, self doubting feelings all too well. You deserve to give yourself some credit, Ainsley. Seriously. Just go inside, get a shower, and get some rest. Tomorrow will be here before you know it and you’re going to have to walk back into the same place where he is again.”
I narrow my eyes at her, my nose curling in distaste. “Thanks for the boost of confidence?”
“You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.” She waves me out of the car as she abruptly puts the car in drive. “Try being optimistic for once. Believe in yourself, because in the end, you’re all that you have.”
I swallow hard, nodding as I finally get my ass out of her car. The door falls shut behind me, slamming loudly and her tires squeal as she peels away. Desi doesn’t have the most patience. She’s easily irritated and I know that I just irritated the fuck out of her.
It’s easier to give advice than it is to swallow it. She put in the time, she did the work and she got her shit together. Her life is completely on track. She’s in a place to give someone else advice. I just need to learn to take it.
Sometimes it’s hard, especially when I’m still struggling with my own internal issues. Take that and add Killian to the equation and it’s a fucking lot for me to try and deal with right now.
I slip inside the front door. The house is already quiet. I live here with three other girls. I met two of them while I was in treatment and we entered the halfway house around the same time. People cycle through, so it’s hard to make connections with people that you only have in your life for a few short months.
The two other girls are fairly close—Lou and Devon. We recently got a new girl in the house two weeks ago. Lou and Devon didn’t know her before, but I did.
Cartier.
She didn’t tell me how she ended up in treatment. Maybe she finally came to her senses and realized that even though she was only using pills, she was still struggling with addiction. She tells the bare minimum like she did when we were in the intensive outpatient program together. And, per usual, I don’t ask enough questions.
I figured if she wanted me to know, she would tell me.
We have a weird friendship, a weird relationship, but when we saw each other for the first time in a few months, it’s like we picked up where we left off with no lost time in between. She heard about the accident when I never showed back up for group.
She didn’t ask any specific questions and I didn’t tell her. Maybe one day we will be close enough that we can talk about it. If there’s one thing that I miss from my life, from the way things were before they got bad, it’s my friends. I never had many, but the few that I had were big parts of my life.
Especially Hudson.
I pull out my phone from my pocket as I go into my bedroom. Opening my messages, I find the one from the last time Hudson and I talked. There was a point in our lives where we never went a day without talking. So much has changed. After I went home, I never did reach out to him, but that’s because I was still using at the time.
While I was in the hospital, he came to see me without my mom telling me that he was coming by. He caught me off guard, he took me completely by surprise, but he never fucking judged me for anything that I did or anything that happened. I finally broke down that day and told him everything.
He made sure to check in on me while I was in rehab and as soon as I was allowed a phone in the halfway house, we made a pact. We would never go another single day without talking to each other, even if it’s the briefest of conversations.
I tap on the phone symbol next to his name and hold the phone up to my ear as it begins to ring. Hudson answers it quickly, with something rustling in the background.
“Hey Ains,” he says happily into the speaker. I hear it adjust as he moves around, doing god knows what. “What’s going on? Did you just get home?”
“Yeah,” I tell him as I drop down onto my bed and kick off my shoes. “I only have two more days left of orientation for the front desk and then I’ll be taking over for Desi.”
“That’s awesome! I’m seriously so proud of you, you have no idea.”
