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We finally make it to my room and Nolan steps inside as I follow in behind him. “I know that Dr. Conrad wasn’t planning on meeting with you until tomorrow morning, but if you’d like I could have him stop by after dinner. He won’t be doing a full evaluation, but he can give you something that might help you sleep tonight.”
I look at him skeptically. “I don’t take sleeping pills.”
“I know, but sometimes it’s helpful, especially the first few nights. It’s an adjustment and we just want you to feel comfortable.”
“But why would you give an addict something that they could potentially get addicted to?” I question him.
Nolan smiles as he backs away toward the door. “This is a controlled environment, Killian. You’ll see how things work after you’re here for a little while.”
I watch Nolan as he turns around to slip through the door. “Wait,” I call out after him, as a wave of anxiety passes through me. “What about Ainsley? How am I supposed to avoid her?”
“She works at the front desk,” he reminds me as he pauses in the doorway. “Stay away from that area and you will be fine.”
I nod in understanding, but that’s easier said than fucking done. That’s really his answer? His solution to my problem? That’s like placing a bag of dope and a rig in the next room over and telling an addict to stay away from that room and they’ll be okay.
“Can you send Dr. Conrad by then?” I ask, running a frustrated hand through my hair. “On second thought, I might need something more than a joint to help me sleep.”
“Of course.” He smiles. “I’ll make sure he stops by after dinner. Just try and relax for a bit. Someone will be by with your meal in a little bit. We’ll talk more in the morning, but if you need me, just press the call button by your bed and one of the nurses can always get me for you.”
“Thanks,” I tell him quietly. He nods, giving me another warm smile before he turns around and disappears through the door. He pulls it shut behind him, leaving me alone in the room.
I drop down onto the bed, partially in defeat and partially from exhaustion.
No one ever said the road to recovery was easy, but they never said that it was going to be this fucking hard.
FIVE
AINSLEY
I ride in silence in Desi’s car as we head back to the halfway house. She doesn’t live here anymore, but she gives me a ride home every night that we’re at Better Daze together. I don’t know when they will allow me to have my own car, but I hope that it’s soon.
It’s been so long since I’ve been behind the wheel of a car. Mine was totaled in the accident, so that leaves me with my only option being the G-wagon that Killian used when he lived with us. Just another painful fucking reminder of him.
I can’t outrun his memory and now that he was thrust back into my life, there’s no way that I can avoid any of this.
“So, how do you know Killian?” Desi questions me as she turns down one of the side streets to avoid traffic as we enter the suburbs. The halfway house is only a fifteen-minute drive away from the treatment center but it feels like we’ve been in this car for well over an hour.
I glance over at her. “It’s a long story.”
“Girl, I think it’s more than just a long story.” She looks over at me, cocking an eyebrow. “I saw the way the two of you were looking at each other. And that tension—holy fuck. Come on, spill.”
“He was my foster brother.”
She whips her head back over at me. “Uh, no. He had to have been more than that.”
“He was.” I swallow hard over the knives lodged in my throat. “We were so much more than that. And then I ruined it all.”
Desi keeps her eyes on the road, but nods. “You don’t want to talk about it, I get it.”
“You’re right. I don’t,” I snap at her, turning my head to look out the window. “Some shit just fucking hurts, okay? I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with these bullshit emotions without shooting dope into my veins.”
“I feel you, girl,” she sighs deeply. “It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. You’ll see. The further you get into your recovery—when you truly start living—you will see that the life you were living before was not fucking worth it.”
“Yeah, I know,” I whisper, feeling the pain wash over me. I quickly force it away, wiping the tears from my eyes as I swallow down my emotions. “What did Dr. Conrad need you for? You were gone for a while and never did say when you came back.”
Desi coughs loudly, choking on her own spit. Her body tenses, her knuckles turning stark white as she grips the steering wheel tighter. “He—uh—he had some questions about another new admit and then just wanted to talk about you moving into my position and me going back to school and what my schedule will be looking like.”
I raise an eyebrow at her, but don’t question her any further. I’ve seen the way that they exchange glances when neither of them thinks anyone else is looking. It’s very subtle, but I’ve noticed it. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe it’s just all in my head. It’s not my place to ask her about it. It’s really none of my business.
