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“Killian,” I warn him. “Just don’t, okay? Not right now.”
He flips the switch, turning off the emotion as the coldness washes over his expression. The walls are back in place and his guard is up, just like mine should be. He stares at me with indifference. “Sure.”
Turning away from him, I’m a bundle of nerves as I lead him through the rest of the facility. My voice is monotone as I rattle off the different rooms, rushing through the tour until we get to the floor where his room is. My footsteps move quicker as we approach his room and I push open the door, showing him in.
“You can pick whichever bed you’re comfortable with,” I tell him as he brushes past me. My breath catches in my throat from the contact as he walks into the room, completely unaffected. “We’ve had a lot of discharges lately, so you’ll have the room to yourself for a while.”
“Cool,” he says, walking toward one of the beds as he drops his trash bag onto it. He doesn’t say anything else as he walks around the room, checking it out and the bathroom that is fully stocked with toiletries.
I shift my weight nervously as I linger awkwardly in the doorway. “I didn’t see who they set you up with for a counselor, but I will check with Desi and I’m sure someone will be by to talk to you soon.”
Killian turns around to face me. The vacant look is gone from his face and his expression is dark as he narrows his eyes at me. “Why are you here, Ainsley?”
The sudden shift in his mood throws me off. “I—uh—I work here.” I pause, nervously adjusting my thick braid. “They offer discharged patients jobs here, so I took the first job that they offered me. I want to give back, to help others like they helped me here.”
“How generous of you,” he sneers. “Quite the little humanitarian now, aren’t we?”
A switch flips inside of me, and I cross my arms defensively over my chest. “What the fuck is your problem, Killian?”
“You are my problem, baby girl,” he growls, stalking toward me. He stops directly in front of me, the tips of his toes touching mine. “You aren’t supposed to fucking be here.”
My eyes widen as I stare up at him. “I get that you hate me. I don’t blame you for that, I deserve your hatred.”
“See, that’s the fucking problem,” he murmurs, reaching out as he lightly cups my chin. “I don’t hate you at all. It’s quite the opposite, if I’m being honest.”
“Don’t be honest, then,” I whisper, not fully trusting my voice.
Killian chuckles lightly as he shakes his head. “Sorry, baby, but I’m tired of fucking lying.”
“I need to go.” I take a step away from him. We haven’t seen each other in a year and I don’t know what the hell is happening right now. I can’t fall down this rabbit hole with him again. “It’s better if we keep our distance.”
A pained look flashes through his eyes. “You’re right. You should go.”
We’re caught in a trance, our eyes locked on one another. I should go, but my feet won’t move. I’m frozen in place, caught up in his gaze. I don’t hate him, but I hate the way that he makes me feel. Even after not seeing him for a year, he still has a hold on me.
We’re too damaged to fix this.
The sound of a throat clearing from behind me draws us out of our daze. “Am I interrupting something?”
I turn around, seeing Nolan eyeing us suspiciously. He’s one of the counselors that works here. With the way that he’s watching us, I’m not sure how much he heard, but he can definitely feel the tension in the air.
“Not at all,” I tell him, quickly collecting myself as I move further out into the hall. “I was actually just leaving. I gave him a quick tour of the facility and his room, but maybe you can show him more?”
“Of course.” Nolan gives me a warm smile, but he still eyes me suspiciously. He directs his gaze to Killian who still has his eyes on me. “I’m Nolan. I’ll be your counselor while you’re here and probably continue sessions once you’re discharged.”
A lump forms in my throat as I force myself to break my gaze from Killian’s. My recovery just got a hell of a lot harder. I hear his sigh as I quickly leave the two of them behind. The anxiety courses through my body and I move in autopilot as my feet carry me through the facility and back to the front desk.
No one is around, so I walk straight through the front doors. As I step outside, I inhale deeply, finally feeling like I can breathe, but it’s all a facade.
It’s impossible to breathe underwater.
And right now, I’m fucking drowning.
FOUR
KILLIAN
“Why don’t we go to my office and we can talk?” Nolan asks, tilting his head to the side. “I know that you just got here and probably want to get settled, but I just wanted to go over a few things with you so we can jump right in first thing tomorrow.”
