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I almost wish that we could go back to when I fucking hated her instead of loving her like I do. Loving Ainsley hurts worse than any pain I’ve ever felt in my life. Hating her was so much easier, even when we were fucking.
Now that the attachment is there, since everything has gotten so complicated, she’s tearing me to pieces with her sharp fangs.
“We just have to make a few stops and I’ll be back.”
“Sounds good,” she mumbles, rolling onto her stomach as she buries half of her face in the pillow.
“I love you, baby girl,” I whisper against her skin as I lean over the bed and press my lips to her temple. She flinches slightly, but doesn’t move toward me.
It hurts. Every goddamn part of life with Ainsley shatters me.
A sigh slips from my lips as I stand back upright and slowly make my way to the door to exit the bedroom. I pull it open and step into the doorway as I hear her soft voice float across the room. “I love you too.”
My lips twitch as a smile tugs at the corners of my mouth. My heart swells. I forgot how good it felt hearing those words come from her. It’s not really much, her saying it after being so cold, but it’s a step. It has to be some kind of a step in the right direction.
It doesn’t mean anything in terms of her getting any better, but it’s more than she’s been giving me in terms of making me feel like I’m fucking valid in her life. Like I might be a tenth of a fraction more important than her demons that rule her.
I leave Ainsley in bed, quietly pulling the door shut behind me as I slip out into the other part of the apartment. It’s silent throughout, as I’m sure Lincoln is out for the day. I don’t know what he does with his time, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s still caught up in the same shit that he was when we were younger.
He’s a street kid—a stick-up kid—through and through.
Some of us will never change, but I know that I don’t want to live life like this anymore. There was a point where I thought that I didn’t deserve more and that I would rot and die in the gutter. I don’t know that I deserve any more than that now, but I know that I don’t want that. I refuse to accept the thought that that is my fate.
Ainsley changed all of that for me. I just need to get her back on track. I need her to see the same things that I’ve been seeing. She deserves so much more than this and I know that I need to let her go sooner than later.
I just hope that when the time comes, I can finally put my selfishness aside. I need to accept it for what it is and maybe one day when we find each other again, we can be so much more than this.
* * *
“How’s shit going, man?”Courtland asks as we pull away from the apartment building. He turns down the music and glances in my direction.
I shrug. “I don’t know, Court. Ainsley isn’t doing well at all and I’m at a loss for what to do for her.”
“I’m sure all of the drugs she’s on haven’t been helping at all.”
“I know,” I sigh. “But who are we to even judge? Are we really even any better than her at this point? I mean, look at us. We’re on our way to go make drops right now. We’re part of the fucking problem.”
Courtland glances over at me as he stops at a red light. “Yeah, but do you see either of us ever holding down legit jobs? I mean, let’s be real, bro. This is the only life that we know and yeah, even though we run the risks with it being illegal, you can’t beat the money that we’re making.”
I nod in agreement, but I can’t help but disagree with him. I don’t disagree with the money and the life that we were both born into. It’s all that we realistically know. But seeing someone who’s become a full-blown addict like Ainsley shows me how much we’re contributing to that. Not just to her but to other people who are addicts. None of them really matter to me except her though.
“I just can’t help but feel like I’m enabling her. I know that it’s a little different because I do it with her, but I don’t need it like she does. She can’t live without that shit right now. It’s fucking poison and it’s slowly killing her.”
It’s Courtland’s turn to nod in agreement. “Yeah, but I think it’s deeper than we both know. She’s got some dark shit going on in her mind and until she addresses that, she’ll never get off the smack. You and I both know that.”
“That’s where I’m fucking stuck.” I pause, inhaling deeply through my nose, feeling the dread in the pit of my stomach. “She needs help and I can’t give her that help.”
“You know what you need to do, bro.” Courtland’s voice is low and sorrowful as he presses on the gas, driving us to our first stop. “It sucks, I know that it does, and it isn’t an easy decision to make, but you’re the only one who can make it. You gotta do what’s gonna be best for her. Ainsley wasn’t cut from the same cloth as us. There’s so much more that life can offer her and it’s up to you to make that decision for her since she can’t make it herself.”
“I know,” I whisper, swallowing hard over the emotion as I glance out the window. “Fuck, I know.”
Courtland pulls the car off the street, near the corner where a few of his boys stand. “Let’s get this shit over with and we’ll figure it out. What if I grab Amethyst and we come chill later? Maybe that will help lift her spirits.”
“The only thing that comes remotely close to touching her depression is the dope. Nothing lifts her spirits like that.”
“Well if you’re not going to make the decision for her to get help yet, then we’ll do what we can to try and pull her out of this funk.”
Courtland kills the engine and we both climb out of the car. The transaction is quick and smooth, going without a hitch. I’ll make the call when I have to.
