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An overstretched clownish smile builds my terror. “You don’t want him to leave? Better get used to it. He’s doing drugs and he’ll be dead soon. Hope you said goodbye.”
Her laughter is deafening and covering my ears does nothing to block it out. It echoes, swirling around, filling me in some deep corners that can’t be swept out.
My eyes leap open to find sunlight and safety. Damn it. It’s a dream I still have at least a few times a year. Her joyous laugh at the thought of his death, and the way I crumble to the floor. Not only a dream but a memory, words screamed in my seven year old face.
He outlived that bitch, though, didn’t he? Anger and spite drive me out of bed. So often those type of dreams ruin half my day, but I’m not letting that happen today. She doesn’t get that power. The urn seems to glare back at me from the mantel as I pass through the living room to my kitchen. It’s time to dump her ashes over the cliff out back and be done with her for good.
There’s still been no word from the private investigator about Dad and I’m tempted to call, but after holding my phone in my palm for a minute, I set it back down. I'm not in the headspace right now to talk about him. Not if I want to shake that dream from my mind.
Coffee helps. So does replaying the events of last night in my head. I was stoned as a gravel driveway, but I remember everything. Arlow behind me, touching me, his breath on my ear, the warmth of his lips and tickle of his scruff on my neck. If I’d let him continue, we would’ve ended up in the bedroom, but I couldn’t. He was drunk, and surprising him on his birthday wasn’t a ploy to seduce him when that isn’t what he wants. Still, it’s confusing. He’s so full of mixed signals.
After coffee and toast, I grab a small backpack and chuck the urn inside it. A faint buzzy lightheadedness still sticks with me from last night’s edible as I head out my door. Those things have a ridiculous half life. My plan for the day is clear. Dump the bitch over the cliff, come back and pack for my road trip. My friends will be picking me up tomorrow morning.
My phone rings with a call from Silver when I get to my porch. It slipped my mind that she left her car here last night and had Lacey drop her off at home. “Hey, did I wake you?” she asks.
“Nope, I was headed out for a walk. Do you need me to come get you?”
“No thanks. Nina is giving me a ride to work. I just called to let you know I’ll pick my car up later.” A familiar voice rumbles in the background. Lee spent the night at her place.
“Uh-huh, and does Lee have a ride?” I tease.
“I rode him plenty already.”
Chuckling, I sit on my top step. “Are you feeling okay about that?” It hasn’t been long since her breakup and I know she had her eye on Lee for a little fun, but that next day remorse can be a bitch.
“I feel fantastic. I’d forgotten what great sex was like.”
“Are you going to see him again?”
“No, men are trash and I’m all set for a while now.”
“Okay then. I’m going to need you to set aside your man hatred for a moment for a question.”
Her reply is instant. “Did you sleep with Arlow?”
“No! I told you we’re just friends.”
“He barely takes his eyes off you, Calli. I’m serious. Sometimes he looks at you like he worships you and then a few seconds later, like he could eat you for dinner. Neither look screams friendship.”
“I…really?” Maybe it’s because I spend too much time trying not to obviously ogle him, but other than a loaded glance here and there, I haven’t noticed him doing the same.
My chest swells with a deep breath. The phone call I overheard was too personal to him for me to share but I need her opinion. “I think he’s still getting over an ex. Even if he’s tempted, I don’t want to be a rebound, you know? But…would it be completely delusional to think I could make him forget her?”
“Maybe, but I’m here for it. You really have it bad, don’t you?”
My groan frightens away a nearby robin. “Ugh, it’s ridiculous. I need to get it through my head that we’re only friends.”
“Maybe you need to get laid too. Find a sexy rocker guy in the crowd, take him back to your hotel, and then you never have to see him again.”
“It’s not the worst idea you’ve ever had,” I laugh, though I know it wouldn’t solve anything. I’m not hungry for sex. I’m starving for him.
“Nina’s here. I have to go.”
Once we hang up, I adjust my backpack and head into the woods to throw the cremated remains away. It’s well past time to rid myself of her completely. Her worthless long term boyfriend, Carl, couldn’t even be bothered to claim her ashes. It’s too bad she doesn’t get to know that the man she put before all others couldn’t give one shit about her once she was gone. He’s probably moved onto some other nightmare of a person. It’s amazing how they seem to find each other.
Despite the reason I’m out here, my mood lightens considerably during the hike. The light breeze clears the cobwebs of the dream away while I breathe in the damp scent of decaying leaves and admire the array of colors dancing around me. The fall foliage is at its peak, spraying the ground with brilliant red, amber, ochre, and golden orange. In a few weeks all this will be bare, then later, maybe coated in snow. I’m excited to experience the forest in all its seasons.
My thoughts drift to the next few days. It’s been too long since I’ve seen my concert friends. Usually, being in a crowd would make me anxious, but this is always different. Whether it’s the music, the people, or just the atmosphere itself, standing shoulder to shoulder in a crowd of voices singing our hearts out is the definition of happiness. It feels otherworldly, magic.
