AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“It took me longer than it should have because I thought I could do everything myself. I showed everyone a me that was put together and grieving appropriately—whatever that means. I got so closed off that it nearly cost me my friendship with the best friends I’ve ever had. It wasn’t until after I’d driven someone we all cared for away that I finally realized I needed to let them in fully.
“When I did, I stopped needing the closet. Now when I’m missing her, I spray a little bit of her favorite perfume in the air and think about the good times. It was hard, but I got there. You can do that too, but you’ve got to start letting people into more of the difficult bits.”
“We want to care about every part of you,” I add. “If you’d let us, we’d love to help you through anything and everything.”
She’s right at the edge of the bed. I’m overwhelmed by the urge to reach under and pull her out, so I sit on my hands. If I want her to trust me with things like this, then I need to act trustworthy.
If I force her out, we’ll lose her. Even though it hurts every part of me to do it, I know I need to wait for her to come to us.
“I’m not worth it,” she whispers. “You’re better off finding someone better, someone less broken.”
“We’re all broken. You’ll see that if you decide to let us in. So, how about we take care of each other?” I ask, reaching toward her with my heart in my throat.
Please, I beg the universe. Please let her take my hand.
28
AVERY
When I took Wesley’s hand that night and let him pull me out from under the bed, it was like he pulled me into a completely new world.
They had been so worried, and why wouldn’t they be? My panic attack came as a complete shock to them. If I had told them about it or if I had shown them my anxieties and fears when I was feeling them, maybe I wouldn’t have scared them so badly.
That night, I’d let them hold me as I cried and shook and even screamed. No one grabbed my arms and shook me or called me a name or threatened to send me to the nuthouse for my “extreme behavior outbursts”.
All they did was hold me tightly and talk me through it when I needed it.
It was the first time any romantic partner has ever treated me that way. I didn’t even know it was an option.
I felt cherished, cared for, and most surprising of all, safe.
Just thinking about that night makes me feel those things all over again.
“I’m not sure I’m ready to tell you about it, but I can show you some of it,” I say after I’ve calmed down some.
“Are you sure you’re ready to do that? We can wait if you’re not,” Phillip says.
“It’s been hard keeping this from you. I was so scared you’d think less of me or blame me, but not anymore. I need you to know.” I take a breath and steel my nerves. “In the top drawer of my dresser, there is a red binder. It’s where I documented everything when I realized I had to leave.”
They cluster around my dresser, slowly flipping through the texts, emails, and transcripts of the recordings I made when I was feeling brave.
I know exactly when they flip to a page with a photo of an injury on it.
Phillip gets increasingly pale and his hands shake.
Jamie blinks a lot like he’s trying not to cry.
Wesley has white knuckles and looks like he’s ready to punch someone.
It should scare me, but it doesn’t. I know he would never lay a hand on me. Maybe it’s a little twisted, but seeing him so angry on my behalf somehow makes me feel safer.
I don’t regret showing them the binder. If anything, it was a relief to no longer be hiding anything from them.
It’s been difficult for me to do, but over the past few weeks, I’ve been starting to open up to them more and tell my story. Each time I do, I’m almost overwhelmed by the amount of care they show me.
Of course, part of the reason it’s been easier to open up is because Kyle is following through on his threats. Every day I come in for class, the secretary gives me a few letters of “fan mail.”
They’re anonymously sent and full of veiled threats and disgusting comments. I open them in front of the secretary each time so I have a witness. Then I make four copies of the original—a copy for the academy president, a copy for their lawyer, a copy for mine, and a copy for Dimitria.
