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Part of me is filled with pride at the thought of having earned Leo’s trust. I plan to stick around for as long as Avery is willing to have me, so having a good relationship with him is essential.
I’m not delusional enough to think that he would ever see me as a father figure, but I do hope to be a good role model for him and maybe even a friend as he grows up. I know it would make Avery happy.
I also strongly believe that one of the best ways to change the world is to teach the next generation how to be better than we ever were. That’s actually the main reason I became a therapist.
Unfortunately, the other part of me is paralyzed with inadequacy. The weight of Leo on my hip is a painful reminder of how I’ll never get the opportunity to hold my child like this. The fertility doctors I saw with my ex-wife made that very clear.
Focus on the now, Phillip. Let go of the things you can’t control. Dwelling on that will only drive you crazy.
I count to ten silently in my head and force myself to focus on all the tiny details—every crack in the pavement, the slight sway of the trees dotting the sidewalk around the building, even the tint of the windows.
Today is a fun day, not a day to dwell on the more devastating moments of my past.
Since I’m hyper-focused on what’s around me, I’m the first to spot Avery’s parents. I’ve never met them before, but I recognize them immediately from the photos on her wall.
“Hey, Leo, who’s that over there?” I ask cheerfully.
“Oma! Opa!”
He’s so loud in his excitement that several heads in the museum’s entryway turn our way. There are scowls from a few people. However, most of the people in the lobby take one look at Leo and give us a brief smile before going back to their business.
We get a mixed look from her parents. First, it’s excitement at seeing their grandson, but when they register that I’m holding him, their faces change. Her father scowls, but her mother’s face morphs into pure curiosity.
I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or not. I suppose we’ll just have to see how the day plays out.
“Come to Oma, Little bug!” her mother encourages as we close the distance between us.
“No. Okay, Oma? Mr. Fip and me are gonna do planes.”
“That’s alright, Love.” She smiles. “Could we do planes with you too?”
“Oma do planes?”
Leo reaches out toward her with an excited squeal. I pass him over to her with an amused shake of my head.
Once the introductions are over—which are about as awkward as I expected—we start to wander through the museum.
Watching the sheer joy on Leo’s face as he moves through the activities with Avery, with me, with my friends, and with his grandparents fills a hole in me that I didn’t know was there.
I knew the hurt and shame from not being able to have kids was there—both my own and what my ex-wife had instilled in me.
What I hadn’t realized until today was how much I was missing a family, how much I wanted to settle down and have something just like this.
But you can have this.
The thought stops me in my tracks, making Jamie run into me.
“Sorry, I just got caught up in all of this.” I gesture vaguely around.
“It’s really something, isn’t it?” he says.
“It really is.”
This really could be my family—Jamie, Wesley, Avery, Leo, and maybe her parents too if they don’t decide they hate us.
I might not be able to have a genetic child, but if I don’t mess this up, maybe in a few years, I might get to have a stepson.
That heavy feeling I’d had at the beginning of the day dissipates, and I start to feel something far more dangerous—hope.
