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Chapter 2
Xander hadstood on the second tier concourse of Yankee Stadium during the NYU graduation. He was able to secure a ticket to the event through a friend that worked as a professor at the University. He wasn’t going to miss this for anything. He knew Ava had worked hard during her three years as a law student. She had done well and was graduating near the top of her class.
His father had shared these details in the hopes that it would bring him back to Manhattan for good. He had occasionally come over the past four years to see his parents with the express request that they do not reveal his visits to the Keene family. He had stolen a glimpse of Ava once from a distance in the years since he left the hospital. When he spotted her in her cap and gown, she had taken his breath away. Ava was even more beautiful than he remembered. She had an elegant air about her. His only wish was that he could have seen her shapely body that was hidden beneath her graduation gown.
He watched as she scanned the crowd during the ceremony. He kept to the shadows standing back in case she spotted him. However, he doubted she would recognize him. He looked very different than when they were last together. His thick hair was longer, falling below the collar of his shirt and almost to his shoulders. He also no longer brushed it back neatly. He had a thick swath of hair that sat on his forehead and sometimes slipped into his eyes. Even the color had changed because of his work outside a majority of the time, even in winter. It used to be sandy brown and now was closer to blonde from exposure to the sun.
While his hair was reminiscent of when he was a child, his face was now shrouded in a thick beard that he let grow unkempt. It was almost blonde with patches of strawberry highlights. Coupled with the fact that he wore sunglasses and his general appearance changes, he doubted she would have known it was him. Still, he kept back from the throng of spectators just in case. He watched the entire ceremony and when it was almost completed, he made his way out of the stadium. He couldn’t risk encountering her family or her.
Xander had waited for several hours across the street from Ava’s apartment building, hoping to see her. He was finally rewarded just before evening came. He watched her enter the building. He wished he could see her face when she opened the box of flowers and read the card he had sent. Ever since he had seen her during the graduation, he wanted to go to her, touch her, smell her, be with her. But he was no good for her, and her father had said so after the accident.
He hoped she would move on with her life, but it seemed that she was in the same suspended animation as he. He couldn’t go back, and he couldn’t move forward. Every woman since Ava that had made overtures towards him, he denied. He had no idea why he was faithful to her. He had been celibate since the last night he had made love to her four years ago. He couldn’t bring himself to share his body with any other woman but her. He knew what it meant. It meant that he would probably be alone for the rest of his life. He deserved it after what he had done to Ava. His deception had created his misery, and he would wear it for the rest of his life. But it seemed that she was miserable, too.
His father had said she had not dated anyone since Xander had left, but who said you had to date someone to sleep with them. A woman as beautiful as Ava would surely have had several suitors since they parted. But deep in his heart he knew she was just like him, destined to be lonely.
He walked along the concrete path in Washington Square Park, breathing in the cool night air and listening to the sounds of Manhattan. He missed all of this. He continued along until he came to the very spot where Ava had tripped and fell so many years ago. He had carried her back to her apartment and took care of her that day. She threw him out; he got drunk, only to have her come to return the favor and take care of him. That was the first time he told her he loved her. He sat on the bench and closed his eyes, remembering the scene as it played out.
He recalled everything about that day, right down to what she wore, how she smelled and even the look in her eyes as he picked her up in his arms to carry her home. A sob tore through him as he thought of how it all went wrong. He dug into the pocket of his jacket to retrieve a handkerchief to wipe his nose and eyes. The park was empty, and he was alone to cry. After several minutes, he rose from the bench as he made his way out.
He was staying at a small hotel not far from there. He didn’t want anyone to know he had come to the city, not even his parents. Tomorrow he was leaving. Though he was no longer on the board of Kids Afloat, he usually offered his services before the children arrived at camp. The ravages of weather during the winter meant that there were plenty of repairs around the grounds that needed to be completed. He took two weeks off from his job at the lumberyard to help the organization free of charge.
He loved spending time with the children, but he knew Ava would be there, too. The first summer he was separated from her they almost met by accident. He had volunteered to be one of the instructors after his resignation from the board. He had settled into his cabin and was on his way out the door when he spotted her talking to the camp director. He went back to his cabin, peering out the window until she left.
Xander packed his things and let the director know he had an emergency and had to leave immediately. He left during the evening when the staff was eating dinner. He had no idea if the director revealed that he had been there, but he hoped not. He had caused Ava enough hurt and hadn’t wanted to cause her anymore.
Back in his hotel room, Xander packed his small overnight bag. He had taken very few items with him from his grand condo. Over the past four years, his need for material things had dropped. He had no cell phone, tablet or even a television. The one creature comfort he allowed himself was an old laptop that he used to check his emails. His life was very different from what it was when he last lived in the city. Even if Ava were to see him again, he was sure that she would not want to live the simple life he had chosen for himself. That was not a possibility. She was never going to see him again. He undressed and slipped into the small bed. He was taking the bus back to his home in the morning and wanted to get a good night’s sleep.
* * *
When he arrived homethe next day, his small studio apartment was just as he left it, clean and tidy. He was neat to a fault his cousin Janelle always said. In the aftermath of what had happened four years ago, he had called her. She lived in upstate New York with her husband Billy, who was an Accountant. He had asked if he could stay with her until he figured out what he wanted to do. When he arrived, she let him stay in their home in one of her guest rooms.
At first, it was nice having Xander as company, but eventually, it was like Three’s Company. Bill had asked Janelle to ask him to leave, but she thought the better alternative would be to fix up the small apartment over their detached garage. It had everything so he could have his own space. It just needed some TLC. So for a couple of weeks, Billy, his father Bill and Xander fixed the apartment. They painted, changed the cabinets, installed new countertops in the kitchen, replaced the flooring and bought new appliances.
Renovating the bathroom took a bit more time, but only another week. The experience was great for Xander; his cousin’s father-in-law owned a lumberyard and was looking for someone to help him in the main yard. He watched Xander work on the remodel very closely and offered him a job and he worked for him ever since. Bill taught him a lot about woodworking, and he became a fairly decent carpenter. That was what he would be doing when he went up to the camp.
He went down to the garage and started to go through the tools he had accumulated over the past four years. He had a pretty respectable set of hand tools as well as some power saws, drills and a few other items. Bill had donated wood for Xander to take up to the camp as well. Xander had purchased an old pickup truck three years ago, which was handy to pack his tools in the truck’s bed along with a load of lumber. He covered everything with a tarp and secured it. Then he went upstairs to his apartment to unpack and repack his bag for the couple of weeks he would spend doing repairs. He was leaving early in the morning the next day.
“Xander, is that you?” Janelle called to him from her back porch.
“Yes, I’m packing up the truck for tomorrow.”
“When did you get back from Manhattan?”
“About an hour ago.”
“Are you eating dinner with us?”
“No, too much to do. But thanks for the invitation.” He lied to his cousin. He was finished with everything and packing his bag would take less than a half hour. He didn’t want to fall under Janelle’s microscope. She would question him about his trip and if he had seen Ava. He didn’t want to discuss it. He was becoming increasingly frustrated with everyone questioning him. Janelle had tried to set him up on dates over the past few years, but he had always declined. Even with his rough appearance, women were attracted to him. He understood she just wanted him to be happy, but he needed to do it on his own.
He finished packing his bag and opened the refrigerator to find something to eat. Ava would have scolded him if she saw what he ate. Even though Janelle often invited him to dinner, he mostly subsisted on Hot Pockets, store bought pizza and sandwiches. He did enjoy a good salad once in awhile, but that was about it. He used to yell at her about eating properly, yet he never did anymore. Even so, his body was rock hard.
The work at the lumberyard kept him fit. He was fitter than when he worked out and ran several times a week when he lived in Manhattan. He chose a couple of Hot Pockets and heated them in the microwave. He sat at his small kitchen table eating them and writing in his journal.
The next morning, he woke at 6:00 AM. He was driving up to the camp at Saranac Lake and wanted to be there no later than 10:00 AM. He quickly dressed and went to his truck. The drive was quiet with little traffic. He scanned the channels on his radio for some interesting background noise. The only thing he found was a channel dedicated to sports talk. As he drove, the channel faded out, and he shut off the radio to drive silence.
When he arrived, there were only two other cars in the dirt parking lot. He was greeted by a tall man he remembered from last year as he stepped out of one of the cars.
The man extended his hand, “I’m Jesse. You’re Alex, right?”
