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Colby’s mouth felt suddenly like it was filled with cotton. She couldn’t speak or swallow because the emotion was so thick. She squeezed Nate’s hand in a death grip. He squeezed back and when she looked at him, he had a huge smile on his face. I love you, he mouthed. Her eyes teared up.
“We’re ready,” Nate said, seeming to have all the confidence in the world. Colby could only nod.
They followed the doctor and the case worker through the double doors and down a long hallway that smelled of cleaning supplies and something else Colby couldn’t identify. It wasn’t a pleasant smell, but she thought she would never forget it. Nor would she forget the way the harsh overhead lights made Nate’s hair look dull and his skin seem yellow. He still looked amazing.
This moment was the one she’d been waiting for since forever. The moment where she would meet her baby with her husband. It seemed like the perfect closing of a circle of love—he loved her and she loved him and they both already loved this baby that they had never seen aside from ultrasound photos. They had multiples of those hung up on the fridge at home.
She hadn’t imagined having a baby like this. Her dreams had always been of her own swollen belly and aching feet, lying back on a couch while her husband brought her water and weird cravings like bean burritos at 11pm. But after several miscarriages and trying multiple therapies and diets and regimens that her doctor suggested for her PCOS, they decided to stop pushing her body. Adoption seemed like the perfect, beautiful choice. It also took months—almost a year—but they were here, and this moment was everything.
“As we talked about, you’ll be able to room-in tonight with her and if everything looks okay, they may discharge you as soon as tomorrow.
The case worker led them into a regular hospital room with a couch, chair, and a reclining bed. “Where should we…sit? Stand?”
“Wherever you feel comfortable. I’ll be right back with the nurse and your daughter.”
Daughter.Colby felt like she was going to crawl out of her skin waiting. Nate squeezed her hand again. She was impressed with his calm and it sent calm her way. He often said that she did the same for him, so she was glad it went both ways.
You’re not nervous; you’re excited.
She was beyond excited. Waiting for them to roll their baby—their baby!!—into the room felt like the longest few minutes of her life.
“We should wash our hands,” Nate said. “I think that’s a thing, right? It will give us something to do while we wait. Movement helps me, even small movements.”
As soon as they had washed their hands in the small sink, Colby grabbed Nate’s hand again. She felt like she simply couldn’t be separated from him. Not right now. Even though minutes before she couldn’t stand touching.
They heard wheels on the tile floor before the case worker returned with a nurse, pushing a wheeled cart that had a clear plastic rectangle, open at the top. Nate’s grip on her hand matched her intensity as they both looked at their daughter for the very first time, swaddled in a stiff, white hospital blanket with a blue and pink striped knit had.
She was sleeping, her cheeks pink and full. Colby couldn’t take a step towards her, not yet, but simply looked down at her perfect face.
The nurse asked for their wrists and gave them bands. “These are connected to hers. It’s a precaution. If anyone else tries to leave with her, an alarm will go off. These show that she belongs with you.”
She belongs with us.Colby shared a look with Nate. It was hard to contain the emotions running through her and she could tell he felt the same way.
“If you need anything, please let us know,” the case worker said. “We’ll give you some time.”
“You can always push the call button. It’s on the bed,” the nurse said.
Colby nodded but was hardly listening. The door closed behind them and Colby dragged her eyes away from the baby—their daughter—to look at Nate. He was crying and smiling, tears running down into his trimmed beard. Colby stood on her toes and kissed his wet cheek. “I love you,” she whispered.
Nate grabbed her in a sudden hug, pressing his face into her hair. “I love you,” he said. “And I love her. Already. Is that possible? It’s true. Love at first sight. Look at her! Can we pick her up?” Nate pulled away and stared wide-eyed at Colby. “Oh my gosh, they just left us with a baby…what are we doing? We have a baby. I don’t know how to even hold a baby.”
It was Colby’s turn to be his calm. She gave him one more quick hug, and backed up. “We’re going to figure it out as we go and ask questions when we aren’t sure. We’ve got books. We’ve got the internet. We can ask Zane and Alisa. Or Liz or my other friends. The important thing is this: you love her. I love her. We’re going to love her well. Let’s pick her up.”
“You should hold her first,” Nate said. “I’m going to break her. She’s so small.”
Colby wanted nothing more than to snuggle their daughter to her chest. But as she leaned over and carefully put a hand under their daughter’s neck and another under her back, she knew that Nate needed her first.
She was so light in Colby’s arms and somehow smelled wonderful, like fresh skin and newness. She didn’t plan to put her down often.
Turning to Nate, she held their baby out. “You first.”
He shook his head, but held out his arms, perfectly, expertly, as though he had been holding babies his whole life. Colby placed her in his arms, feeling a wave of emotion so strong that her knees trembled. Her husband holding their daughter. Theirs. Blood didn’t matter. She was part of them and always would be.
“I feel like we should recite our wedding vows, but to her,” Colby said. “For better or for worse…”
“In sickness and in health,” Nate whispered.
“In crying and in dirty diapers,” Colby said, making Nate smile, even through his tears.
