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“If she loved you, I’m sure she understood.”
“But I’m not sure. I knew it was too much. She worked with me in the studio, and came back, and we’d work on stuff at home. It was all blending together. I left her alone a lot too; I still had to travel.”
I nodded as I listened. Art was intimate, passionate, and emotional. Putting myself in Aubrey’s shoes, I would’ve struggled with our relationship if we shared the same art.
“I was fine when she didn’t want to be a gig musician or work at my company. I wanted to help her with her career, but she wanted to do it on her own. Her sister, Faith, made her feel embarrassed by the money. We fought over that too.”
I chewed my lip. So had we.
“Anyway, she started setting up private auditions. She wanted to play in an orchestra. But they didn’t work out. When one did, and the director knew me, she turned it down because she didn’t believe she earned it. She…she questioned everything about herself. She became blocked and couldn’t play her violin.”
“All artists have dry spells,” I murmured. There were times when I had no inspiration.
“Yes, I know, and told her that. All I wanted to do was comfort her, but she didn’t trust she could lean on me, tell me how she felt.…And I’ve done the same to you—”
“My situation is different—”
“Not completely. You hid your pregnancy because you were afraid I’d hurt you, take your baby away.”
I shrunk back into the couch and hunched my shoulders. There was no denying that.
He nodded. “You told me so, and I understand why now. I told you I wanted a child alone…I was lying to myself.”
My throat closed. All this time, I’d been scared.
“Aubrey was afraid that my love for her depended on her playing the violin. That I didn’t love her truly. So when she couldn’t play anymore, she thought she had to change into something else for my love. She tried to get involved in charities and hold parties, like my mom, but her self-esteem was too broken. Then she tried to give me something else I wanted, a child. Fuck, I was overjoyed when she said she wanted to get pregnant. I was so blind, so arrogant.”
Hindsight was definitely blurring the truth, I suspected. Would Paul ever see that?
“Maybe not. What if it means that you believed her? She’s not here to say she never wanted a baby. And maybe, because of that, you’re still hurting yourself.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, and it all became clear to me on the honeymoon. I thought Prague would be good for us. It was where we fell in love. But it wasn’t for Aubrey. Walking around Prague brought back memories of playing her beloved violin there. Her success on the song we wrote together there. She didn’t want a child with me, she wanted that life. We…we had planned to try for a baby, but she didn’t want to make love.” His voice graveled, and he dropped his head.
“Oh, Paul. I’m sorry….” I whispered and moved closer to his side.
“She booked a flight and left a note saying that her mom was sick, but she knew I could easily find out the truth. She left because she was miserable. And I let her go because I couldn’t bear her misery. I…I should have put her first. Given her the love and care she needed. It’s my fault, and I’m already doing the same to you….”
My goodness. This man was so complex. His love and understanding of Aubrey were intermixed with his guilt and her rejection of the life he wanted to share with her. It helped me to know him better…but it made me love him more too. Perhaps Aubrey would have regretted leaving. But I’m not her, and I don’t want Paul to keep believing that our reactions to things will be identical. We sound so different.
“Paul, I’m not Aubrey. I really feel for her and her difficulties in finding her way. I, too, suffer that, but I’m different. I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself. You loved her and opened your life to her. She hadn’t known she would die on that plane. She didn’t get a chance to talk things out with you. Maybe you both would have worked it out or broke up. But I’m Nadia. I love you, and not because you saved me, but because of who you are: loving, protective, funny, caring, patient, charming, talented, and kind. There are so many things to love about you, Paul. We are so good together. You must know that.”
He cupped the side of my face, and I pressed a kiss to his hand. His eyes bore into mine with a tenderness that took my breath. “I love you, and I’m selfish. I don’t want to let you go.” He slowly let his hand fall as his Adam’s apple bobbed. “But I know now I’d take your life away, and it would be wrong.”
I furrowed my brows. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I’ve been reckless with you. After the first time you thought you were pregnant, I should have done everything possible to stop it from happening again, but I didn’t because I didn’t care.”
“It was a false alarm—”
“But I didn’t care, Nadia. I wanted a baby with you. I would have bound you to me forever.”
I believed I understood Paul, but I had to ask, “As a surrogate?”
“No, Nadia. I wanted you. So much. I thought if you became pregnant again, and we had a baby, everything would still be fine. But when I came on the boat, I knew the love I have for you was so deep inside me, it’s painful. You have me helpless…I need you.”
Hearing he wanted to have a family with me, that he needed me, filled me with a joy I could barely contain. I moved to hug him, but he held my arms and frowned. “No, Nadia, you don’t understand. There’s no freedom in a life with me. You’re young, you’re talented. Hell, you’re at one of the best design companies in Paris. You have a chance at a great career. I’m at the place in my life where I want a family. I can’t take that life from you.”
I shook my head. “But you can’t take away what I want, Paul. I don’t want a life without you.”
