Page 61 of Played by Him

“It’s more than that,” he said. He glanced at me, then turned his face away, as if he couldn’t quite bear to look at me as he spoke. “A part of me has even wondered if this is why I’d ended up with Elise in the first place.”

I waited in silence, not wanting to influence his decision to talk to me. He had to choose me on his own. I couldn’t accept anything less.

“My parents were never married.” He began to pace as he spoke. “I never really thought much about it as a kid because a lot of my friends’ parents weren’t married either, or they had been married but had since divorced. My parents lived in the same house, and I had my dad’s last name. We were a family, no matter what a piece of paper said. At least, that’s what my dad always told me. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized how sad my mom was whenever we talked about it.”

I had one of those memory flashes that were like some sort of montage, bits and pieces all strung together, sometimes with a common theme. For me, the theme was ‘bad marriage.’ My parents had argued on and off in the years before the accident, so it wasn’t like they’d had some sort of idyllic, fairytale life until the day everything changed, but it hadn’t been the same sort of arguing that had come later. After the accident, the fights had turned ugly. Insults hurling through the air, shouted and screamed without any thought about who could hear. Things had been thrown and broken. Threats made.

I’d found my mom crying more than once, and she’d always told me it was okay, that Dad was just hurting, and he didn’t mean any of it. She’d always encouraged me to remember him the way he was rather than what he’d become. Sometimes, I wondered if she’d still be alive if I’d pressed the issue, pointed out the dangers. If I’d only convinced her to leave.

“When I was eight, my dad left,” Jalen continued. “I was sitting in our den, playing a video game, and he walked out with two suitcases. Never said goodbye. Never even looked back.”

My heart broke for the boy he’d been, but there were plenty of men in solid, stable relationships who’d had similar childhoods. Like Jalen had said, his situation hadn’t been unique.

“I only saw him a handful of times over the next two years, and whenever he was with me, he looked like he wished he was somewhere else. For my tenth birthday, I told my mom that I wanted to change my last name to her maiden name so we’d have the same last name. I had to ask my dad, and a part of me thought maybe this would be enough to get his attention. It wasn’t. He signed the paperwork without blinking.”

I held out my hand and Jalen came over to the bed. He gently wrapped his fingers around mine and sat next to me.

“It wasn’t until I was older that I found out that my father had been cheating on my mother almost the entire time they’d been together. She’d known, and she hadn’t done anything about it. She said it was because she’d been too scared of trying to make it on her own, but I think at least some of it was because she still loved him. Even after all that, she loved him.” Jalen’s thumb brushed back and forth across my knuckles, and I wondered if he was soothing himself as much as trying to soothe me. “He got married my senior year of high school, and I’ve heard he has a couple kids with his wife now. I don’t know if she was one of the women he’d cheated on my mom with, or if he’d fallen in love with her later. I received a card when I graduated high school, and that was the last I’ve heard from him. I’ve never met his new wife or their kids.”

“I’m sorry.” I squeezed his fingers, not knowing what else to say or do. I felt bad for him, for what he’d gone through, but I didn’t want to feel anything more than just the normal sympathy any decent human being would have. I couldn’t feel those deeper things, not if he was going to keep breaking my heart.

Because that’s what was happening every time he came at me with accusations. He was breaking my heart.

“It’s not an excuse,” he said. “I know that. There’s no excuse for the way I’ve behaved. I just want you to see me…so maybe you can forgive me.”

I could hear what he wasn’t saying, that it wasn’t just about forgiveness. He wanted us to be together again, or still, or whatever. To move past all of this by talking through things rather than trying to bury it. It was healthier that way, and I appreciated that he was trying to do this the right way.

I just wasn’t sure if it was enough.

“I don’t think she’s ever stopped loving him. She has a new boyfriend. Not really new. They started dating two years ago, and she moved to Spain with him last year.” He glanced over at me, but only for a moment, like he didn’t dare to linger. Like it was dangerous to look too long. “The way my dad treated my mom destroyed her for a long time, and it fucked with my head more than I’d realized until recently. I never wanted to be in a position where I ended up like her. I didn’t want to care so much that someone would be able to hurt me like that.”

I swallowed hard, my heart skipping a beat when I realized the implications of what he was saying. I wouldn’t put words in his mouth though. If he wanted me to know it, this, he’d have to say.

He raised my hand and kissed my knuckles, then flipped it over, lightly tracing the bandage on my palm. His voice was soft. “I never thought it would be a problem. Even when Elise did what she did, it hurt, but I wasn’t broken. I married her, and I thought I loved her. Maybe I did. Whatever I felt for her though, it wasn’t strong enough for me to want to fight for her.”

Was that what he was doing here? Fighting for me? Somehow, when I’d heard that phrase in the past, I’d always thought it would be something aggressive, something loud and in-your-face. But Jalen wasn’t being any of those things. He was being vulnerable and honest.

And somehow, that felt more like fighting for me than anything my imagination would’ve come up with.

All of the feelings I’d tried to keep pushed down poked their heads up again. If he was as sincere as he sounded, I was in serious trouble. I could stand up against anger and accusations. I wasn’t so sure I could hold up against this Jalen.

“I want to fight for you, Rona. For us.” His grip on my hand tightened. “Please tell me that there’s something to fight for.”

I pulled my hand back. It was hard to think when he was touching me. “That sucks about your parents, but you can’t keep holding others’ actions against me. It’s not fair.”

“You’re right,” he agreed immediately. “I’m an asshole for doing it. And I’ll never do it again. Please give me a second chance.”

“I did.”

His face flushed, but he didn’t argue. “And I fucked it up, I know.”

Here were the questions that mattered, no matter how much it hurt to ask them. “What makes this time different? Why should I trust you when you’ve proven you don’t trust me?”

He slid off the bed and went to his knees. He was tall enough that he was still able to reach my hands. “I love you.”

The words took my breath away.

“I know you have every right to be skeptical after what I’ve done, but I swear to you, if you let me, I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I want this to work.” He took my hands again. “You are the only person I’ve ever wanted a future with, Rona. The only person I can see. I love you, and I’m begging you to give me a chance to prove it.”

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