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It hurts to see him walk away so easily, then I feel silly for being hurt by the very thing I asked for. Then I get angry about the fact that I’m vilified for being a hypocrite, and he’s celebrated for being a wonderful prince.
After that, I eat a bunch of ice cream, pass out on the couch or the guest bed, then do it all over the next day.
So, basically, I’m doing really well. Super well-adjusted, and handling things admirably. I should teach classes. Maybe write a book.
Four weeks after the rumors hit, eight weeks after the baby is conceived, in mid-January, I hear the heartbeat at a doctor’s appointment. It’s hard to put into words what that moment does for me. All my thoughts about Silas drift into the background as I hear that rapid thumping of a tiny heart inside me. All my anger dissipates, and I’m filled with a strange sort of awe.
I only realize I’m crying when a nurse hands me a box of tissues. I dab at my eyes as I listen to the heartbeat, not wanting her to take the device away. I don’t want to stop hearing that noise. It’s fast, and strong, and alive. More alive than I’ve felt for the past four weeks. More active than I thought it would be. That heartbeat is my child. Up until this point, I hadn’t thought it was real. I’d been so focused on everything I’d lost, all the ways that Silas hurt me, all the ways I wished things were different, that I hadn’t truly realized what was happening inside me.
But the heartbeat changes everything. It centers all my thoughts, reminds me of what’s important. I’ll have to rebuild my career somehow, but I have a feeling it won’t be in the public eye. I won’t put my name on scathing articles. I won’t throw stones at other people or proclaim my opinions at the top of my voice.
If I have to leave behind my career as the voice for abolition of the monarchy, so be it. Not that I’m giving up on my convictions, they just…don’t seem important anymore. They’re empty. My need to denounce the monarchy was filling a void inside me I hadn’t even realized existed. Anger that bubbled deep inside me, that needed an outlet. Revenge, retribution for the slights against my father, for all the ways I was treated as inferior by the Birchals and their friends.
But why would I care about the monarchy when I have a baby to take care of? Why would I try to create a revolution within our government with the tatters of my reputation when there’s something a million times more important to focus on?
My career is over, but did I ever really care about it at all?
When I get home from that doctor’s appointment, the first thing I do is order a fetal doppler device. I know that whenever my thoughts spiral toward the Prince, whenever I start thinking about all I’ve lost, I need to put the doppler to my stomach and listen to that heartbeat in my womb.
Rhea and I go for a walk a couple of weeks later, arm in arm, through the snowy park in the center of Stirling. February is the coldest month, but somehow the icy air invigorates me.
My best friend inhales deeply, squeezing her arm against mine. “How many weeks are you?”
“Ten.”
“Thirty more to go.”
I smile, nodding. “Not enough. I feel so unprepared.”
“I always thought if one of us got knocked up, it would be me. You were always so…”
“Prudish?”
“I was going to say responsible.” Rhea laughs, shaking her head.
We walk in silence for a while, until I can’t hold back the words that have been on the tip of my tongue all day. “He gets back tomorrow. When he was here for the holidays, I had no desire to see him.”
This feels different, though. He’ll be back for good, and I’ve gotten over the worst of the shock and the rumors.
Rhea doesn’t ask who, only tightens her hold on my arm. “How do you feel about it?”
“Like I should tell him about the baby.”
“But?”
“But I’m afraid if I do, I’ll lose some control. He’ll want to take me into his family, or worse, he’ll reject the baby outright.”
“He wouldn’t do that,” Rhea says softly, but her voice is weak. She’s not sure.
“He might.”
“You’ve been doing well the past couple of weeks, Jazzy. Maybe you should wait until the baby’s born.”
I nod, cold air seizing in my lungs. She’s right—the past two weeks, I’ve turned a corner. I’m more myself than I’ve been in a long time, and I feel like I can handle this. The pregnancy. The career change, whatever that will end up being. The loss of…of Silas.
But if he waltzes into my life with those sharp blue eyes melting my insides, will it be that easy? If I let him in and he hurts me again, will I be able to face a lifetime without his company? Without his love?
Letting out a sigh, I pull my arm away from Rhea. “Yeah. I’ll wait. There’s no guarantee I’d be able to see him anyway, and this isn’t the kind of thing you tell someone over text.”
