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“Everyone wants to be coddled and taken care of,” Silas says, snorting.
“Not Rowan. The media will eat her up, just like they did to—”
“Don’t say Abby,” Jonah interjects. “Stop blaming yourself for her death. She had an arrhythmia. Her heart malfunctioned. No one could have predicted it and even if she’d been in a hospital, it’s not certain they could have saved her.”
I shake my head. “It’s not about Abby. It’s about me. I just don’t deserve a woman who has as much spirit and heart as Rowan.”
Silas and Jonah exchange a glance. After a long pause, Silas squeezes my shoulder again. “Why don’t you go back to the Summer Palace? Clear your head for a while. At least there won’t be reporters crawling all over the place. You’ll have some privacy.”
Swallowing past a jagged lump in my throat, I glance at my brother. “Maybe I should have stayed there to begin with. I only came back to be with Rowan.”
“Does she know how you feel?” Jonah asks.
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want a relationship with me. She was pretty clear about it. She said it was best for her, the baby, and for me if she left. No need to save face. Less controversy. Less mess.”
“Just because she thinks that doesn’t mean it’s true,” Silas says quietly.
I glance at my brother, surprised to see he cares. He’s typically moving from one woman to the next, not worried about love or relationships. I didn’t even think he knew love existed—but he’s staring at me with understanding in his eyes.
Do I even really know my siblings? We’ve all been through our own battles, but I’ve been so focused on my own failures and pain that I haven’t taken the time to see them for who they are. I’ve been drifting on my own, wrapped up in my own grief. Silas isn’t just a party animal. Penelope isn’t an ice queen. Jonah isn’t the calm, logical person he appears to be—he has scars of his own. Don’t we all?
Just goes to show how fucking useless I’ve been. I couldn’t help Abby, and I don’t even know my own brothers and sister.
Rowan was right to want to leave. It’s the best thing for all of us. I’m better off on my own, away from people I can’t help.
Sighing, I nod to Silas. “You’re right. I’ll head back to the Summer Palace until spring. At least I’ll have some time to clear my head, and Chief will be there to keep me company.”
As I stand up, I feel the weight of my past on my shoulders. I’ve failed so many people, so many times. Even my siblings—haven’t I failed them, too? I don’t even know them. I don’t know their pain.
It’s better for me to leave. Nodding to my brothers, I stalk out the door and call for Eyvar to make arrangements for my departure. I’m going back to the Summer Palace, and I’m not coming back until I know I won’t hurt anyone else.
