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I held her against my chest as sobs rocked her small body, hugging her tight. It was too much. More than I could bear. But I had to. I had to stand firm and be strong for her.
“I love you, honey,” I crooned. “Mommy’s here, and I love you.”
She clung to me, even though I was certain she was furious with me for not getting her Jake.
“I need him,” she whimpered. “My Jake.”
“I know, Nell-Belle. I know.”
That night, I’d scrolled through his texts. Since he’d left my office, he hadn’t failed to send at least one every day. So many times, I’d been close to replying, but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to.
Fortunately for both Nellie and me, Shira and Bea came over the next night, giving us a much-needed distraction. Nellie was in hog heaven with all the attention from my friends and requested Bea put her to bed.
When everything was quiet, the three of us took large glasses of wine onto my deck and unwound.
They allowed me half of my glass before pressing about what was going on.
“Are you broken up?” Bea asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “It’s been two weeks, and I just can’t get myself to even think about it.”
“Why not?”
I shrugged. “It hurts, and whenever I try to sort out my thoughts, they get jumbled with my feelings about Miller. I…I’m confused. And so damn sad, I don’t know how to keep moving sometimes.”
“Don’t you think speaking to him would help?” Shira asked.
“Maybe.” I rubbed my forehead. “I’d planned on speaking to him, but I wanted to be more clear headed. I didn’t think I’d be stuck in the same place two weeks later.”
Bea hummed, and I raised a brow at her. “Please, speak freely. It isn’t like you to hold back.”
“I’m probably going to hurt your feelings,” Bea stated.
I snorted a laugh. “Last night, my daughter pleaded and cried for me to give her Jake. I don’t think my feelings could possibly hurt any worse.”
“All right.” She took a deep breath, gesturing in my direction. “This is very like you. The whole needing a clear head before you’ll even have a conversation with Jake. You revel in the details and ticking boxes. It’s what makes you successful at your job. But this…it isn’t that, Clara. You’re treating the fate of your relationship like it’s a business deal and you won’t go to the table without being fully prepared.”
“Bea,” Shira gasped. “That was—”
“It’s true, Shir,” Bea said. “Tell me what part is a lie.”
Shira glanced from me to Bea, her mouth opening and closing, no denial forthcoming.
“Is that what I’m doing?” I whispered. “I don’t mean to. But I can’t just follow my feelings. If this were about how much I love him, I would’ve forgiven Jake immediately.”
Bea sipped her wine, as calm and cool as always. “I’m not saying you need to forgive him now—or ever. But taking two weeks to gather facts when you already have them isn’t going to get you anywhere.”
My shoulders deflated. “I know, but—”
“Is it safer?” Shira asked. “This…in-between—is it safer for you, Clara?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean…I was there when Miller went to prison. I saw what that did to you. If I’d been pressed, I would have said you’d never open up to anyone again.”
“I would have said the same,” I agreed.
Shira set her glass down to clutch my hands. “You did, though. You let Jake in and shared Nellie with him. That was huge for you…and it also terrified you, right?”
