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“I don’t believe you.”
“Clara, sweet—”
“I don’t believe you,” I repeated with more force. “I can’t believe you, Jake. I trusted you and look where that left me. Our team is scrambling to put out fires before everything blows up when you could have given us the knowledge and time we needed yesterday. Why does Jeremy get that courtesy but I don’t?”
My Jake was always confident and self-assured. He walked around like he’d found his place in the world and knew exactly what he was doing. The man in front of me was deflating before my eyes. That spine of steel was melting, curling him forward over my lap.
“He’s my brother, Clara. I explained our history, and I…I made a mistake giving him that time. I see that now. If I’d thought any harm would come to you or Rossi, I wouldn’t have done it.”
My nostrils flared, my anger fighting its way to the surface. “I don’t believe you.”
His head shot up, panicked eyes latching on to mine. “I’m telling you the truth. I would never hurt you. You have to know that.”
I reached out to take his face in my hands. “It’s funny; you just reminded me of my ex-husband. The two of you couldn’t be any more different, but he’d said almost the exact same thing to me when he was arrested. He’d poured out this emotional apology, said what he’d done to those people had had nothing to do with me. Said he’d never hurt me on purpose and loved me very much. Isn’t that laughable?”
His fingers wrapped around my wrists, lowering my hands from his face. “I get you’re mad and hurt right now, but I’m nothing like that son of a bitch. When you take a step back, you’ll see that.”
“Will I? I don’t know, Jake.” I tipped my head back to stave off the angry tears threatening to spill. I was so goddamn sick of crying. “The thing is, I don’t trust myself. My gut is a liar, but I thought…”
I rolled my lips over my teeth, biting down to distract myself with pain, but I only succeeded in matching my outside to my inside. Bright, stinging hurt I couldn’t ignore. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. This wasn’t us. It shouldn’t have been.
I sucked in a breath lined with broken glass. “After everything, you were supposed to be safe for me. How could I have gotten this so wrong?”
“You weren’t wrong, Clara. You were right to trust me. You, Nellie, and Sage are my world.”
Oh, this man. He was saying all the right things now. If only he’d done the same thing yesterday.
“That’s pretty, but I don’t believe you. You chose Jeremy and MZ over us. You lay in my bed and told me you’d had a bad day. That was only a half-truth—another word for a lie.”
He winced, but he didn’t deny it. “And I’m so fucking sorry for making that choice. In my head, I was doing right by you and my brother, but I know I fucked up. I’m human. Sometimes, I’m gonna do the wrong thing. Mess shit up. I’m here to fix it and remind you we love each other.”
“You think I forgot I love you?” My chin wobbled, and I felt utterly pathetic. “God, if only. This would be so much easier if I hadn’t let myself fall in love with you.”
“I know, mama. I know.” He released my hands to wrap his arms around me and press his face to my belly. “You don’t have to forgive me today. I’m going to put in the work to get us back to where we need to be. If we have to start from the beginning, we will. I promise you I’ll never keep anything from you again.”
I wished I could let myself feel what he was saying. If I hadn’t gone through what I had with Miller, I would have caved to Jake’s desperation and beautiful promises. My instincts screamed for me to believe him, but they had led me astray one too many times.
I touched the top of his head. “History is repeating itself.”
“It’s not.” He raised his head, and my breath caught. His face was flushed, eyes glassy. He looked as ravaged as I felt, and it hurt me. It hurt so badly, but I couldn’t be the one to comfort him. Not when he’d put us in this position.
“I’m not letting you go, Clara.”
I shook my head. “You made your choice, and it wasn’t me.”
“No. No. You can be mad at me and disagree with what I did—hell, I disagree with myself—but you are my first and only choice.”
I leaned forward, meeting his pleading gaze. “I don’t believe you.”
“I know. I am really fucking sorry I gave you any reason to doubt me.”
“Me too.” I turned my head toward the door. “I’d like you to leave.”
A deep gust of breath punched out of him. “That can’t be it. This isn’t it.”
I shook my head. “I’m at work. I can’t do this now.”
“Right.” He smoothed his hands up and down my thighs. “We’ll talk more tonight. We’ll work this out.”
