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My chin drops as my mouth hangs open. I haven’t seen my mom in a few years, and she looks like she’s put on weight. The last time I saw her, her cheeks were hollow, and her eyes were sunken in, but now she looks healthy, and a tickle of a smile threatens.
I shouldn’t give her the time of day, but other than having Dane, having my parents in my life is all I’ve ever wanted. Sure, other things like show jumping and school fill my days, but there’s a special place in my heart reserved for my parents.
“Lettie, can I come in?”
I glance over my shoulder like someone’s home with me but then gesture for her to come in. She surveys the apartment, and I don’t know what to do. “You’re a good decorator. I thought I would be an interior designer when I grew up. I always drew furniture and loved colored pencils. You have the eye, minimalistic.”
Is my mom using designing terms?
Granny never told me she dreamed of designing when she was young. In fact, Granny and Paps avoid talking about my mom. I understand they’re hurt because damn, I’m hurt too. But it has to be heartbreaking for your child to choose a life of drugs instead of you.
“I love that hanging lamp,” she says, admiring the braided straw lantern above the kitchen table.
“Dane picked it out. Oh, I forget you don’t know him. Dane has been my best friend since I was six.” My mother takes a deep breath. “It’s weird you don’t know the most important person in my life.” I add a little jab, yet it doesn’t do a damn thing to make me feel better.
“Tell me about him. Why have you been friends for so long?” She walks into the living are, and her hand trails along the couch.
I’ve wanted to have a real conversation with my mom for as long as I can remember. Even though I should tell her to leave, I want her to listen and give me motherly advice.
Gesturing for her to sit, I say, “I don’t know. Dane and I have always just been best friends. He chased me around the art table in first grade. I was always the only girl at his birthday parties. Dane was always there to make me laugh,” I say, choking up. “But now all I do is cry.”
“Oh Elizabeth, why?” She lays her hand on my leg and my birth name sounds good coming from her lips.
“Mama. Can I call you Mama?”
She wraps me in her arms, and I’m bombarded with emotions over Dane and finally being held by my mama. It’s been so long that I can’t recall a single time she held me in a tight embrace. When she would be around, she was on the couch with my dad and friends doing meth and shooed me away. I would play cheap dollar store Barbies in the trailer hallway, needing to keep my parents in sight for fear they would leave again. And they did. Sometimes on their own and sometimes from the cops busting them.
Regardless, I was sent back to Granny and Paps and eventually, my parents had to give up all rights to me.
“Of course, you can. Shh… let it all out.”
As snot runs out my nose and onto her ratty, Grateful Dead sweatshirt, I ask, “Why didn’t you love me? Why doesn’t anyone love me?”
“We do love you. We just… Well, we made mistakes being kids ourselves. Have you ever made a mistake?”
I nod and snort at the same time. “Dane’s dad made me break up with him, and now Dane’s happy without me. Sixteen years of love and friendship are gone. I’m depressed and feel worthless. He won’t take me back, saying we both need to pursue our goals. But my goals mean nothing without him,” I cry. “I’m so tired of feeling this way.”
She digs around in her purse with one hand until she pulls out a prescription bottle. “Here.” She shakes four out in her hand, giving me two. “They’re antidepressants. I’ve been using them to stay clean. I’m trying so hard to be a person you’ll let into your life.They’ll make you feel so much better.”
Without thinking, I throw them down my throat. I need to feel something other than sadness and worthlessness.
I notice my mom’s fingers have fake press-on nails, and two of those are chipped off. She rubs her nails over my back, calming me. “Now where were you going in such a hurry?”
“Dane has a ballgame tonight, and his new girlfriend is going to be there, and I just need to see for myself. I love him.”
Rustling around in her purse, she pulls out a prepaid phone. “I saw that.” She taps on her phone and pulls up a video. “I can see in his eyes that he loves you.”
Singing karaoke in Florida wasn’t that long ago, but it seems like a lifetime.
“You two seem in love and damn, you are both good singers. This one has five million views.”
I’m leaning my head on her shoulder, and it feels so good to have her here, listening. My head feels light, and I realize I haven’t eaten.
“I hate to ask but one of our old dealers is holding your dad until we pay him two thousand dollars that we owe him. Do you have money we could borrow?”
Lifting my head from her shoulder, I ask, “You think I have two thousand dollars? I’m in college.” My speech feels different.
She huffs and rubs her palms over her blue jean mini skirt. “Well, since I got clean, I’ve been following you on social media. You’ve placed in the past two jumping events, and this video went viral so as high profile as you and Dane are… I just thought.”
