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Functioning has become more difficult. All I do is cry. Jasper has forcefully removed me from my apartment for the past week, taking me to train.
I cry on Jasper’s shoulder all morning. He won’t let me ride, so I sit in the stall with Diamond Mine.
The next day, I hold it together long enough that he lets me ride my horse, but I’m like the headless horseman and fall off over a jump he lowered enough for a beginner. My elbow throbs, and my abdomen cramps as I try to break my fall. “Nothing was supposed to change.” I scream, choking on my own tears.
Jasper walks out, grabbing Diamond Mine’s halter. “You’ve hurt yourself, and you’re lucky you didn’t hurt the horse. Do you understand if he takes one wrong step, his legs snap, and he might not be able to recover from it? Until you get your head on right, you’re not riding, period.”
He leads my horse back to the stable, and I sit in the middle of the training arena filled with obstacles. But somehow, I can’t clear any of them. When Jasper drops me off at home, we sit in the car, silent, before I pull on the handle, and the door cracks open a smidge. He grabs my hand. “Elizabeth, I don’t know the real reason you broke it off with Dane, but this isn’t healthy. Have you been taking your medicine for your ADHD?”
I shake my head.
“I can pinpoint within a day or two when you quit taking it. It will help you deal with… everything.”
Without responding, I wander into my empty apartment and open my kitchen cabinet where I keep my medicine and stare at it. I promptly close it, hard. Why do I need it? I could go off it for an entire summer, but that was when I had Dane.
Turning on the television, I’m hit with the red, white, and blue graphics of Election Day. I had forgotten to vote, not that I would vote for Dane’s dad anyway. Not now. Not after what he made me do. A man I thought loved me. A man who said he loved me like a daughter. It was all an act so he could say he took in a poor, helpless girl.
When the reporter says, “Live from the Greathouse Victory party at the Beaumont Hotel,” my stomach feels queasier than usual. And that’s when I see Dane, appearing happy in his charcoal suit that fits his body like a glove, with his hair longer than it ever has been. It seems like forever ago when I last saw him, but the wedding wasn’t that long ago. I miss him more each day.
What I don’t expect to see is Daisy meeting him in a hug or the way he accepts her into his arms.
I can’t get to the bathroom quick enough, and I vomit in my throat. It’s all bile. I can’t remember the last time I ate. Maybe a banana this morning, or it could have been yesterday. I know I need to eat, but my stomach rejects everything.
Through my tears, I turn off the TV and pop a pain pill with a sleep aid. My body hurts from where I fell off my horse again.
After taking off my clothes, I pick up the jersey Dane gave me that’s thrown over a chair and pull it over my head. It still carries his scent, one I wanted to keep, so I haven't washed it yet. I’ve slept with it curled under my chin, but tonight, I need to feel him close, and this is all I have left.
In my sleep—I’m still awake, and the pain is unbearable. Dreams that will never come true. I’m drowning in memories. Sixteen years is a lot of fucking memories.
When morning comes, Jasper comes to pick me up, but I refuse to train. The only thing I have the energy to do today is send my professors an email asking to withdraw from their class. There’s no way I can catch up when I’m barely breathing.
I lie in bed all day, scrolling through social media, ignoring the mountain of calls and texts from Brooke, Adalee, Harper, and Presley. Their lives are perfect, and I just… can’t.
Then a message from Dane pops up.
Dane: Things have changed, and I need to talk to you. I’ll come by after my ballgame tonight.
I must read it a hundred times, attempting to decipher the meaning of his words. But I see with my own eyes what has changed—he’s with Daisy, which is why the girls are texting me to help ease the blow.
Struggling to find any closure, I decide I’m going to Dane’s game to see Daisy living my life. The life that was meant for me.
The jeans I put on are too big, so instead, I pull on my yoga pants, a long-sleeve shirt, and throw Dane’s jersey over top.
Now I swallow my pride and contact the woman who helped raise me. She hates me for ripping out Dane’s heart.
Me: Do you have a seat available for me tonight?
Mrs. Greathouse: Sorry, we’re using all four but come to the VIP, and I’ll get you a seat.
Me: Thanks.
With the knowledge that Daisy will be sitting in my seat, in my place, tears stream down my face, I grab my crossbody purse and my phone. I go to the cabinet and shake one of my ADHD pills into my hand and swallow without water. It scratches my throat as it hits each bump. But I take it. It’s the first step to getting my life back. I can’t live without Dane Greathouse.
Maybe I’m wrong and he wants me. What if he isn’t with Daisy?
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, ready to confront my fears, and I open my front door.
“Mom?”
