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I let out a bitter laugh.
“When have you not? For the past nine years, you have been blowing hot and cold with me depending on your mood. Did you think I was too dumb to recognise it? I guess that was your way of punishing me for my brother’s sins.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” he demanded.
“I’m talking about how you always wind me up and then bring me crashing down, asshole,” I yelled back. “Like you did today! You called me the most beautiful woman on earth, acted like you couldn’t keep your hands off me, and then did a complete about-face after the wedding. And it’s not the first time you’ve done that to me, so don’t even try to deny it.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose tightly and took a few deep breaths as if he were trying to stay calm.
“That wasn’t an about-face, Isha. I was trying to be considerate of your feelings. I don’t want to force you to sleep with me just because we’re married,” he said, with a forced kind of calm.
I snorted in reply.
“Since when do you care about my feelings? What happened to all that big talk about making me scream whether I like it or not?” I asked drily.
His eyes flashed with anger as he began to pace up and down the space in front of me.
“I’m a little confused. Are you angry because I didn’t make love to you? That can be easily remedied if you want,” he said furiously.
“I want you to stop messing with my emotions! It’s completely okay for you to not be attracted to me. But it is not okay for you to pretend that you are for some twisted reason that I cannot even understand,” I said shakily, trying to keep the angry tears out of my voice.
“I haven’t pretended a thing,” he roared, jabbing his index finger in my direction. “Not one thing! And I don’t know what I need to do to convince you that I want you more than I want life itself. It’s as if you’ve closed your mind to the possibility and nothing I can say would ever induce you to give us a chance.”
“Ohmigod! You’re doing it again. Just stop! You have nothing to prove to me, Veer. I’ve always known that you don’t want me. So why do you try to tell me otherwise? Why does it matter?”
“It matters because it’s true!”
I laughed bleakly because I didn’t know if he was gaslighting me or if he was trying to delude himself.
“Okay, let me make it easy for you. I don’t expect anything from you except this one year of marriage. I certainly don’t expect you to desire me because I’m not even your type,” I stated firmly.
He laughed just as bleakly.
“If you’re not my type, tell me why I’ve been so obsessed with you for the past nine years. Why did I constantly seek you out only to end up snarling at you and saying something hurtful enough to drive you away because I was afraid I’d reach out and start something so explosive that it would blow up our lives?”
“That doesn’t even make sense, Veer,” I said wearily.
“Nothing about us makes sense, Isha.”
“There is no us, Veer.”
“Then why does the very sight of you make my heart pound like this?” he asked softly, taking my hand and placing it on his chest.
His heart was beating quite rapidly under my hand. I snatched my hand away as if scalded.
“Lies,” I said unsteadily. “All lies. I know for a fact that you could never want someone like me. You said yourself.”
He stared at me dumbfounded.
“To whom?”
“To me, Veer. You said it to me! Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten that delightful moment,” I said bitterly.
“When did I ever say that to you?” he demanded hoarsely.
“On my twenty-fifth birthday,” I informed him, glad to jolt his memory of the incident that broke my heart completely and showed me how unlovable I was.
It was also the kick I needed to start therapy after I binged on two tubs of Ben & Jerry’s chocolate brownie fudge ice cream in my hotel room and threw it all up an hour later.
