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The pain settles a few minutes later and I lean against the wall, exhausted. Something’s wrong. I’ve never known of someone dying of heartbreak. Stretching my feet out, I moan at the slight wetness in my panties. That’s awesome. Nothing like peeing yourself when you vomit. I draw in a couple deep breaths, taking note that the pain has diminished. I cautiously stand, using the wall to stabilize myself.
Bright red lines my panties when I pull them down. I gasp in disbelief, tears pool in my eyes. This cannot be happening. The pain stabs through my abdomen again and I double over. I have to get to my phone. I breathe through the pain and crawl out of the bathroom. Eyeing the phone on the floor, I slide over to it and call the only person who will drop everything to help.
“Max. Help.”
Addie gasps. “I remember when you called. I thought Katie had gone home with you.” She clutches her chest, her eyes swell with apology. “I’m so sorry, Syd. Aiden was having a rough time that night. I wanted to answer. I told myself that I would call you back as soon as he fell asleep.” Her head drops between her shoulders and her voice breaks when she adds, “And I forgot.”
I should tell her it’s okay, but I can’t. The hurt still stings. My therapist tried to help me understand, forgive. But I couldn’t.
I lost everything that night. Laying in bed the day after a long night at the hospital, my emotional state was volatile. Ugly crying over my loss overcame me one minute and the next my body would shake from rage and jealousy that Addison had everything. A husband, a healthy unborn child… she didn’t even need me anymore. I became inconsequential to her. After all she’d been through and I was there by her side no matter what, this is what I received in return. Deep down, I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn’t dig myself out of that hole.
I was being buried alive, and I had to leave.
“I would have been there for you,” she cries, clutching my hand and squeezing it. “I was torn at that moment. You have to know how horrible I feel. Syd, I love you. It’s killing me you went through this by yourself.”
“I should have stayed. Max tried to change my mind, but I couldn’t get past the suffering.”
“Why California?”
I snicker. “My aunt Crystal lives there.”
“You despised your aunt Crystal.”
I still do.
“I thought she’d like to see her niece.” I shrug. “There was never a plan for staying in California. I needed time to heal, and I didn’t know where else to go. Max demanded that he meet my aunt when we arrived at her house. I guess it’s good he did because when my aunt opened the door, she pretended she didn’t know me. Claimed she didn’t have a niece.”
“She’s still a bitch, huh?”
“You could say that. She asked Max if he wanted to come in though.”
My mom and her sister are two peas in a pod. Grew up with silver spoons in their mouths and stones in their hearts. How my dad stayed married to her all those years, I’ll never know. I was a mistake. Whenever I was an inconvenience in her life, she would remind my dad I was his problem. The therapist told me that is why I clung to Addison’s friendship with a vise grip and why I took it so hard when she picked Aiden over me.
“After we left there, I had Max take me to a hotel.”
Another person pushing me away only deepened the hole.
My self-worth was at an all-time low.
“I’m staying,” he barks, dropping his keys and phone on the small kitchenette table.
“Max, I’ll be okay. I just need some time alone.” Sympathy weighs heavy in his eyes. He’s stuck here with me because nobody else wants me. But I don’t need him. I want to be alone. It seems to be what I’m destined for.
Having no more energy to fight, I drag my feet to the bedroom, strip off my shirt and pants, and crawl into the cold sheets. Wetness from my tears coats the pillow. I lost a child, and it’s all my fault. No matter what the doctors claim, I’m the one who didn’t take care of my body. I killed our child.
Minutes turn into hours. Hours of self-blame, self-loathing. Max checks on me frequently, but I ignore him. Maybe he’ll tire of me too and leave.
But he doesn’t.
“Tink, you need to eat something.”
The sound of him setting something down beside my bed causes me to open my eyes. He unwraps a sandwich and puts it on a plate, along with some chips. “I didn’t know what you preferred, so I guessed ham and Swiss cheese, and Doritos… because who doesn’t like Doritos?”
My lip twitches. “I like Doritos. But I’m not hungry.”
“I don’t remember asking if you were hungry.”
He sits on the bed beside me. I pull the covers to my neck remembering that I’m only in my bra and panties. He stands and snatches a shirt from the chair. Walking back over, he stares at me. “You putting this on or am I?”
