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His thumb caresses my cheek, wiping the tears. “I know.” My brows furrow, and my head cocks to the side. He knows? “It doesn’t make a difference—”
“How can you say that,” I say, interrupting him. “It makes all the difference.”
“I admit, I thought you were her. But when I found out, it didn’t change how I felt. You own my heart, Ellie.” No, I was borrowing his heart. It belongs to someone else.
“When did you find out?” Inside my cheek is raw from chewing, but it doesn’t stop me from continuing as I wait for his answer. Words he’s known for months is what I want to hear. Need to hear.
“Today,” he sighs.
I drop my head, all hope of things working out, crumbling within me.
“Look at me.” His warm hand slides under my chin, lifting my head to meet his eyes. “You’re nothing like her. In the beginning, I was stuck on seeing the differences, but as time went on, I fell in love with those differences. They were what made you, you. The way you play with your hair when you get nervous, or the way you tap your foot three times before you cross a street.”
My breath catches at my childhood superstition. Tap three times before you walk, all day long have good luck. How did he notice that? “But even with the differences, you still thought it was her. I don’t know how I feel about all of this. I love you, Kase. The love I have for you has only been for you, the love you have for me began with the love of another woman. It makes me feel like I’m an imposter.” I step back, out of his reach and walk to the window. The ocean has always given me peace, yet right now, it’s a blur behind my tears.
“I don’t know how to fix this. You’re right, you were someone else in my eyes. Would I have fallen in love with you if you didn’t look identical to her? I want to say yes, but my heart wasn’t looking to fill her spot.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Glad to be second best.”
“Fuck! I’m not saying this right.” He grabs my arm and whips me around, planting his face close to mine. “Ellie, you are my present. She is my past. You are not second best, right now you are my number one and the only person I want to spend my life with. How we got here is a little screwy, but we’re here, and my love for you hasn’t changed. Please, don’t push me away.”
I rest my hands on his taut chest and stare into his pleading eyes. “I need time. It’s a lot to take in.”
He pulls in a deep breath, releasing it slowly. “There’s more and we should talk about it before I leave. I’ll take off after that…” His voice trails off.
More? What the hell is he talking about?
“I need you to tell me everything about your past,” he softly demands. I tense, my guard goes up. His eyes narrow. “Ellie, you pulled a knife on me thinking I was someone else, and now you tense when I ask you about your past. Is it your stepfather searching for you?”
Having Max’s team around me has always made me feel more at ease. I was close enough with the guys, if I ever needed help, they’d be there to help me. Kase is different. I don’t want him to know my demons and torment him, they do enough damage. He’s been okay with me keeping my past in my past, can't we keep it there?
“Ellie, you’re not answering me.”
I wince. “I don’t think so.”
“That’s not a good enough answer,” he replies with a sharp tone. I roll my eyes as he lifts me off my feet in his arms and carries me to the couch. He plops me down and then settles in next to me.
I twirl my hair and it’s not until he stops me do I notice I was doing it. A smug smile plays on his lips. So, you know my quirks. I sigh, realizing keeping my past from him is no longer an option.
“When I was four, my dad walked out on me and my mom. We didn’t have much, so my mom would work random jobs. I was home a lot by myself. She ended up falling in love with a guy and marrying him when I was twelve. At first, he was nice and tolerated me. But when I turned fifteen, things changed.” I can sense Kase’s whole body stiffen, but I keep going, staring ahead, not wanting to see his expression. “At first, he would come into my bedroom to say goodnight, being extra feely. His hands would graze my boob when he was rubbing my arm, stuff like that. It continued to progress the next few months. The night I turned sixteen was the first night he raped me.”
Kase bolts up out of his seat, running his hands through his hair, making it stand on end. His jaw ticks and I can see the rage swirling in his eyes. “Please tell me this motherfucker is dead,” he grates out. “Because he’s going to be if he’s not.”
“Let me finish.” I lick my lips, my mouth parched. The last time I told this story, I was in the courthouse, and the devil’s eyes were burning a hole in me. He nods once, but stays standing. I knot my fingers together, squeezing them and continue. “When I was seventeen, I finally told my mom what was happening. She didn’t believe me. He got a kick out of it so I told him I was going to the police the next day. Gah, I was stupid.” I shake my head, remembering the rage that filled his whole body that night, bleed into mine.
Kase drops down in front of me, unwrapping my fingers. He brushes his lips over each fingernail indentation in my palms. “You’re not stupid Ellie. You were a teenager trying to get help. It was a defensive tactic. You thought he’d leave you alone if he knew you were going to tell someone.”
“It was the exact opposite. He raped me and beat me with anything he could get his hands on. Then he threw me in the car and dropped me off in the woods to die. I remember feeling happy that he couldn't touch me again. I was going to die, and I was at peace with it. I was ready to leave hell.”
“Who found you?” he whispers.
“There was a horse on the loose the next morning. The guy who owned the land was out looking for him and found me instead. I had lost consciousness. When I woke up, I was in a hospital bed.”
Kase runs his fingers up the scar on my arm, like he’s done a million times. This time it’s different. I nod my head. They aren’t scars to me, they are badges that display the strength and determination that no one can bring me down. I had months of rehabilitation, but I did it. Just to prove to Ray that he couldn’t get rid of me that easily. He digs his head into my stomach, wrapping his arms around me.
“He’s in jail for life.”
“But he’s still living,” Kase mumbles into my lap.
