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I look like hell, I say to myself when I see my reflection in the mirror. I redo my ponytail, pulling it into a bun, and splash cold water on my face. Gripping the outsides of the cold sink, I stare at myself in the mirror.
You are not a victim. You are a survivor.
I close my eyes and repeat my mantra over and over. A soft knock interrupts my current pep talk.
“Addie,” a voice as soft as the knock says, “I’m coming in.” Syd walks in and closes the door behind her. I sit on the toilet seat, and she props herself up on the counter. “Hi.” She smiles. Her jumpsuit is unzipped halfway, hanging off her hips.
“Hi,” I say back, folding my hands in my lap.
After a few silent seconds, she asks, “Wanna talk about it?”
I know I should talk about it, at least that’s what the doctors say. I shouldn’t keep it bottled up inside. Their words run through my mind. I blow out my cheeks. “Aiden said something and it triggered a memory.” I start rubbing my temples. “I don’t want Aiden to feel he has to walk on eggshells around me, not knowing what he’ll say or do that causes one.”
She twists her lips and nods her head, thinking about what to say. “I know you don’t want to talk about …” She pauses, but I gesture that I understand where she’s going. “So maybe you need to tell Aiden certain things that might trigger a memory.”
“I was doing so well with Lexi around, not having these memories or nightmares.” I sigh.
“It’s not a surprise that you’re having them with Aiden,” she says, looking at me with her eyebrows up. “Y’all’s relationship is on a different level than yours and Lexi’s.”
“Okay, smartass, I know that,” I say sarcastically. She laughs. “I’m sorry I’m putting a damper on today.”
She hops down and stands in front of me. “Stop apologizing, Addie. I heard what you were saying to yourself. You are a survivor. So don’t let what happened to you run your life. You are in control, even if you do have a few missteps along the way. And you have a gorgeous, bad-ass man who loves you more than the air he breathes.” I smile. That’s exactly the way I feel about him. “Now let’s go out there and get ready to watch me get smashed by the Hulk himself.” Leave it to Syd to make me laugh. “I mean really, if he so much as trips when we land, I’m doomed,” she says with wide eyes and flailing hands.
“Max is not going to trip,” I say. “But speaking of Max, he acts different around you.” I don’t even know how to explain it. Syd’s description of him as dominant seems to be right on target. I stand up and walk behind her out of the bathroom.
“He’s just an annoying, overgrown boy. That’s all,” she says, handing me my jumpsuit.
You sure that’s it? I narrow my eyes at her vague explanation. She shrugs.
A sound of popping grabs my attention out the window. I don’t see anything, and I can tell it’s not super close, but I can definitely tell it’s gunfire.
I turn to find Syd zipping up her jumpsuit. “Did you hear that?”
“Yeah. That’s Aiden and Max,” she says scrunching her nose. “He needed an … outlet.” Her voice is hesitant. I know she would never lie to me, but I understand her hesitancy.
I pound back the guilt that wants to surface. He just needed a minute, too. A song comes into my head that I heard the other day. I wanted to send it to Aiden then because it’s exactly how I feel, but I chickened out. I wasn’t ready. I am now. I grab my phone to text him.
ME: Unsteady by X Ambassadors
I unload thirty rounds before I calm down. When Max found me outside pacing with my arms around my neck, he didn’t ask questions. He just brought me to the gun range.
It’s exactly what I needed. To put power back in my hands when all I felt was failure. Failure to protect Addison. Failure at not watching what I say. Just plain failure.
I know everything that happened. I read the goddamn report. I know. I put the gun down, dropping my head, as I lean on the table. The sun beats down on me as sweat beads form on my forehead.
“Fuuuckk!” I yell.
“You feeling guilty about this is about as fucked-up as Addison feeling guilty.” Max’s words come from behind me. I turn to see him leaning against a post with his arms crossed.
“It’s my fault she went back there.” I rest against the table, my shoulders dropping. “To see the pain in her eyes, the fight in her body … I wanted to kill someone, again,” I grind out, scrubbing my hand over my face.
“You and me both, brother,” he says. He clears his throat. “But you don’t have a clue what’s going to set her off, so it’s pointless to think it’s your fault.”
Fuck. He’s right. I think. I don’t know. I should know what might set her off and avoid that at all costs. I groan in frustration. How the hell am I going to do that when I can’t keep my hands off of her?
“I don’t know what to do,” I say, kicking dirt around.
“What you’re going to do is hold on tight and be there for her. You both are so stubborn, it amazes me how perfect you are for each other.” He chuckles. I blow out a breath, giving him a slow nod.
