AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Row flung his hands in the air, turning to me fully.
“Bitchy,” I said simply. “I’m Bitchy. And you are—”
“Mac.” He completed the sentence, a mocking sneer finding his lips. “Feel cheated?”
I shook my head. No, I didn’t. I couldn’t explain it without sounding deranged, but I had always known, on some level, I was talking to Row all these years. “How did you find me in that forum?”
“I didn’t.” His jaw jumped again. “One night I searched androphobia because I was curious about…something.” He rubbed his cheek with his knuckles. “I was in between shifts working for this asshole chef in Paris. I stumbled upon this forum. You had to sign up to be able to read the threads. You started talking to me.”
I had. I’d liked his name. I’d liked that he’d liked all my comments without ever contributing to the conversation. It had made me feel like there was someone on my side. Row looked everywhere but at me, avoiding eye contact.
“Wait, why did you search androphobia?” I narrowed my eyes. “You’re not afraid of men.”
“I was afraid of a man.” His jawline turned stony. “Everyone is fighting their own demons, Dot.”
“So…we just happen to have the same problem?” I scratched my head, confused. “That seems highly unlikely.”
“Believe it or not, I had no idea that it was you until you came to Staindrop. I mean, I had my suspicions, but I never confirmed it.”
“You lied about your life,” I noted. He’d said he lived in New York and was a measly sous-chef. That he was originally from Philadelphia. That he lived with roommates.
“What was my alternative, telling you that I was a millionaire, a famous chef who made it to People’s ‘Hottest Thirty Under Thirty’?” He arched an eyebrow.
Touché.
“Well, you could’ve told me the second you found out.”
“I tried.” He wrenched a cigarette from his pocket, took one look at my face, and tossed it on the ground, stomping on it in annoyance. “Repeatedly. You kept telling me not to.”
McMonster was Row.
Row was McMonster.
The man I’d thought I might fall in love with was the same man who hated me so much these days he couldn’t even look at me. I didn’t know what to do with this information. I couldn’t even unpack it. Something occurred to me then.
“How did you know I’m, you know, not comfortable with men?”
“How did I…?” He squinted, like I was ant-sized and he had to look carefully to see me. “Maybe because I notice every fucking thing about you?”
I blinked. One, two, five hundred times. He did?
Row tilted his head upward, letting the rain pound on his face, a dark, humorless chuckle escaping him. “Fine. Want the truth? Here’s the truth: No, I didn’t ‘have feelings’ for you.” He air-quoted the words with a sneer. “I was in love with you. Honest to fucking God, full-blown, snatch-my-heart-out-and-let-you-use-it-as-a-stress-ball in love with you.” He looked disgusted with himself for uttering each word. “And you didn’t give half a shit about me.”
That wasn’t true. I had been busy weeding through my adolescent trauma and distracting myself with nineties memorabilia. Reimagining my life without Instagram, and Snapchat, and WhatsApp. I had been drowning while simultaneously pretending everything was going swimmingly. I had felt so broken, so unworthy, the prospect of precious Ambrose Casablancas hadn’t even occurred to me.
Row had seemed as bright and far as a star. Ethereal, out of this world. Wherever galaxy he belonged in, I wasn’t welcome there.
“Y-you fell in love with me?” I stepped forward, my eye tic out of control. I didn’t care. I never cared when Row and Dylan were privy to them.
“I didn’t fall.” He omitted a sharp, irritated huff. “You fucking tripped me.”
“I…I thought you pitied me for being, I don’t know…weird and eccentric and awkward,” I whispered, torn between glee and grief. “That you saw me as your little sister’s annoying best friend.”
“I did.” Row ran his hand over his wet hair, tipping his head back again and closing his eyes. “Until I didn’t. It was stupid. We would’ve never worked out.” His prominent Adam’s apple bobbed with a visible swallow. “Which was why it fucking killed me. It killed me that all I had to settle for was a quick fuck on the hood of my car. And that all you had to say about it was that it was a mistake and meant nothing to you. So Dylan was doubly pissed-off. Both about your betrayal and about shitting all over my heart.”
Tears ran down my cheeks, warm in contrast with the rain. We were standing in the middle of the street, drawing curious glances from the few people who ran for shelter, holding their umbrellas and coats over their heads.
“I’m so sorry, Row.” I wiped my face with my sleeve. “I thought I was an oddity to you. The ugly duckling who loitered outside your room, hunting for scraps of attention. When I asked you to be my first, it was because I trusted you, and as you’re well aware, I’m skittish around men. Humans scare me. That’s why I’m obsessed with true crime. So I figured…” My throat constricted around my next confession. “I figured you could never love me, could never want something more, and wouldn’t hurt me. A good deal for everyone involved. I was getting rid of my virginity, and you got some no-strings-attached action.”
