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“Christmas Eve dinner.”
“Dot, you savage.” He squeezed my waist. God, I hated that we were going to be friends now. Platonic. Cordial. I wanted his all.
“Row?” I asked. He lowered me down to my feet. Adrenaline still coursed through my veins when our eyes met. “She was the one who sent those people after you. She did…everything.”
“I know.”
“You do?” I cocked my head sideways, surprised.
He nodded. “She came over to my house late last night, probably after you paid her a visit. Looked like a wreck. Came clean. Begged me not to press charges.”
“And?” I held my breath, my eyes unwavering, studying his face.
“And I’m fucking thrilled you stood up for yourself because now I can finally get my pound of flesh.”
With perfect timing, Sheriff Menchin breezed past us, escorted by his cronies. He sailed straight to the corner where Allison and her mother stood.
“Allison Murray, you are under arrest for conspiracy, aggravated assault, and election fraud. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…”
ROW
oBITCHuary: Thank you for being there for me.
McMonster: I will always be there for you, regardless of what we are.
McMonster: How did it feel?
oBITCHuary: Like coming full circle.
McMonster: Well, if you want to come in any other way, you know where to find me…
oBITCHuary: Very mature.
McMonster: I never claimed to be mature.
oBITCHuary: What do you claim to be, then?
McMonster: Unfortunately, yours.
ROW
I oftentimes thought of my life as a string of unfortunate events, sparsely punctuated by orgasmic food, pompous TV executives, and my mother asking me if I was wearing a sweater. The shittery that was my luck could not be further highlighted than on January first, when I found myself sharing a cab with Cal, which took us straight to the airport.
Friends, my ass. I still wanted to feast on her pussy and fill her everywhere with my fingers, cock, and tongue.
Naturally, our flights were only an hour apart, so our families had urged us to ride there together. “That way, Cal won’t have to pay for a cab. You are very poor, aren’t you, bambina?” My mother possessed a lot of positive traits, but a filter wasn’t one of them.
“They do make a point.” Cal had winced, glancing at me. “I mean, we can eliminate some of our carbon footprint?”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her I regularly rented private planes to run errands, or that I had owned seven cars simultaneously while living in Paris. Instead, I had nodded stoically. Now here we were, twenty-four hours later, crammed in the backseat of a yellow Ford Galaxy, buried in duffel bags and backpacks, with Cal making enthusiastic voices while the driver told her earnestly about how a week ago, some dudebro had tried to short him ten bucks for a ride, so the driver had pulled out his gun and told the dudebro to give him everything in his wallet. Including some credit cards, a picture of his mom, and a condom. I didn’t know if Cal was aware we were listening to a tale of a man who’d robbed his customer and was too frightened to point it out or if it flew right over her head. Either way, I scooted close to her in case she needed me to take a bullet for her. Forever the knight in chef jacket’s armor.
“Anyway. So. Thanks for the super fun conversation,” she muttered, plastering her shoulder to mine. Yup. Her creep-o-meter was definitely dinging. “I’m getting sleepy. Are you getting sleepy, Row?”
“No,” I said aloofly. “Wide-awake and as alert as a fucking dog who heard a can opening.”
“I think I’ll take a little silent nap.” She ignored me, squeezing her eyes shut like a child to stop the conversation. Unfortunately, with Cal being Cal, she really did fall asleep on my shoulder for the remainder of the journey to the airport, which meant I had to deal both with an impending heartbreak and an erection from hell.
An hour later, we were dropped at the airport. Cal checked her watch. A pink Casio with pastel-colored numbers and no frills. “We still have time for a coffee together.” Her gaze was hopeful.
