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At my instruction, Harper began opening the boxes, dishing out some rice and passing it to me, slipping duck dumplings onto her plate and passing the second box on. This continued until we both had a little of everything on our plates.
Lifting my fork, I began to eat, and Harper silently did the same. In my head I had figured I’d apologize after dinner, but the pause in the conversation between us was killing me so I decided to get it out of the way.
“Look, Harper,” I began, and her eyes snapped to mine. She was nervous, and my heart ached because it was the last emotion I had wanted to her to feel. “I’m really sorry about earlier… upstairs? I totally forgot myself and it was a shitty thing to do. I really don’t know where that came from. It won’t happen again,” I stated firmly, “Well, what I mean is if it does it’ll be from years of stupid banter on—”
“It’s fine. No harm done,” she interrupted before I could finish, “and you were being honest; you were naked.” Her cheeks flushed, and she tucked her hair behind her ear. My eyes fell to her jawline and I stared a moment longer than I should have at her silky, soft-looking skin.
“Wow. Matty has always pointed out how observant you are, but she never told me about the X-ray vision.”
The color in her cheeks deepened and I could see I’d embarrassed her again. “Fuck, sorry. I don’t know what’s the matter with me, saying all this inappropriate shit,” I apologized.
“I’m twenty six, Cole. Men have flirted with me before.”
“I wasn’t flirting. I didn’t mean it like that. It was—”
“Banter, I know,” she finished again then stabbed her fork in her food a few times without any attempt to eat it.
“Look, the last thing I’d ever want to do is make you feel uncomfortable around me. Layla thinks you’re all her Disney Princesses rolled into one, and if I’m honest, I think you’re pretty incredible too… I mean you keep my daughter stable and happy, and that’s worth the world to me right now.”
Harper’s eyes softened, and her hand automatically moved to my wrist.
“It’s fine,” she softly said, dismissing my explanation. “What you’ve been through is awful, Cole. We’ve all felt some of your pain. It’s good to see you smile. You have a nice smile.” Harper shook her head like she’d forgotten her place then moved swiftly on.
“I may not have known Grace, but I joined this family when the impact shook your household to the core. And Grace was Layla’s mom. That fact isn’t lost on me, Cole. Matty and the rest of the staff also lost Grace and you must know we’re all with you in this.” I nodded, my throat too closed with emotion to have held a reply for a moment.
“What I see is a man who’s still grieving. A man who wants to do his best for everyone, but who is forgetting to take care of himself. I know it’s not my place to say this because I’m only Layla’s nanny, but I care.”
“After the time you’ve spent here, you aren’t only Layla’s nanny, you’re the key to my daughter’s happiness right now. She’s only dealing with Grace’s death so well because you’re like a second mother to her.” A soft squeeze on my wrist told me my statement meant a lot to her.
Reaching for the stemmed glass of wine, I stared out of the kitchen doors and threw the whole contents of the smooth liquid down my throat. Placing the wine glass back on the table, I lifted the bottle and poured myself another.
“I’ve been a mess. I am a mess,” I admitted, in a rare moment of candor. “Some days I feel nothing and others I feel as if I can’t go on. Layla is my only reason to live,” I added dryly.
“No. Layla is your main reason to live,” Harper corrected.
Turning my head, I narrowed my eyes and saw a culmination of feelings from compassion to alarm on her face.
“What happened with Grace was so horribly unjust. Some nights when I heard you crying, the pain in my heart… crushed me, and I didn’t even know her. When I first got here, the sorrow in this house was so dense I felt like I couldn’t breathe. There were nights when I cried myself to sleep thinking about Layla and your beautiful family being destroyed by that horrible disease. Anyone would feel the way you do right now.”
Hearing Harper validate all I was going through helped. I had never aired my feelings this way before. It hadn’t been my intention to do so, but to know she understood—that they all understood—meant everything and helped me to understand I wasn’t the only person in the household missing Grace.
“I feel so angry with the world,” I admitted, shaking my head. “Since Grace died, I’ve never been so careless about my life.” My confession brought a fresh lump to my throat, and too late I realized I had no more fight in me to swallow it down.
Tears came and I let them flow unashamed. Even though Harper was my employee, it felt safe to cry. “I can’t get past her, you know? I loved her so much,” I whispered. “She was my world,” I added even less audibly.
Moving quickly, Harper enveloped me in her arms and her hug felt firm, safe, and comforting. Rubbing my back in a soothing rhythm, she encouraged me to cry, and I let the grief I’d fought to suppress on so many other occasions expel from my body.
It must have been a pathetic sight to see, me sitting at the table with our food barely touched while my child’s nanny rocked me back and forth, but I didn’t care, nor could I have helped, giving myself up to the sad feelings inside my shattered heart.
I wasn’t sure how long we’d been there when I finally pulled myself together. With my face close to Harper’s neck, I began to feel calm. Inhaling the scent of a woman who wasn’t trying to entice me felt unnerving. Pulling my head back to look at her, my face was only inches from hers.
“Thank you,” I mouthed, and without thinking, I pressed my lips to hers in gratitude for her empathy and support. Realizing I’d kissed her, I jumped to my feet. “Fuck. I’m sorry.” Running my hand through my hair, I gestured my other hand helplessly toward her because it felt as if I’d been unconsciously hitting on her from the moment I’d arrived home.
“Shh, you’re fine, Cole. You haven’t done anything wrong. I feel privileged you felt safe enough to share your feelings with me.” Her tone intimated what I’d done was no big of a deal, and I stole a glance at her, which immediately made me feel better.
“Can I say something?” Her tone was even and apparently unaffected by what I’d done.
“Sure.”
