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How could I reasonably walk away from the love of my life and leave her with the burden of three small people to care for and follow my other passion—my music?
When the doctor stood and left the room, I pushed this last selfish thought to the back of my mind and stared in silence for a long moment, worried for Billie.
Inside I knew this was a pivotal moment for us and that whatever came out of my mouth had to be the absolute truth and the best words I’d ever utter in support of her. It was one thing to have a plan, but this sudden change in our circumstances had taken the decision to have a child out of our hands.
As touching as I’d wanted my sentiment to be, my mind was a fog of emotions which had been stuck in my chest. They quickly turned into words that burst out of my mouth unfiltered.
“Fuck me, twins? Are you really okay with this? I mean … I know you said …”
Billie held her hand up and spewed watery vomit into a bowl again, and my heart cracked. She was in no fit state to answer my question, and I felt helpless as I stroked her arm, because there was physically nothing else I could do for her.
“Try and rest, we’ll deal with everything tomorrow,” I told her firmly. She nodded but retched again, and I knew there was no point in trying to tackle such a huge topic in her state.
When she’d said she had wanted to have a baby I had felt it was a massive decision, especially as Colby was ten now. Inside I had felt overjoyed that she had thought about this, but the reality of her being pregnant, with not one baby but two, was more than either of us had bargained for, and I had to be sure this was what she wanted.
I was worried and delighted in equal measure, but I felt that apart from keeping house, taking care of Colby when needed, supporting them both emotionally and financially, my role was more passive than active in Billie’s journey of pregnancy and giving birth.
It wasn’t necessary to remind myself it was Billie’s body that had to take a hit for this to happen, and apart from the physical complications of a twin pregnancy, I had no idea how she felt about the unexpected surprise of having not only one baby, but two.
A few hours after being admitted to hospital, I was relieved my girl was vomiting less, having been rehydrated and given a shot of anti-nausea meds. Fortunately, she looked more human and the color had returned to her cheeks, but she still looked little weak.
Squeezing my hand, she gave me a weak smile. “What a homecoming, huh?”
“Darlin’, I know we said for better or worse, but I never expected a baby boom and a fucking exorcism all rolled into one,” I joked, and she chuckled.
“Please go home. I can see you want to stay, but I’ll worry less if you are with Colby than I will if you’re here.” The thought of leaving her tore my heart in two, but the last thing she needed was more stress.
“Okay, but I don’t want you to worry about anything. You’re right, I do want to stay, and I’d argue for this, but I know Colby will be upset when he wakes in the morning and knows you’re here at the hospital. I’ll be back first thing in the morning after I’ve dropped him off at school.”
“Maybe if the sickness subsides, they’ll let me go home tomorrow,” she said, sounding more optimistic. Standing, I bent and kissed her forehead, promised to text her once I was back home, and left her, knowing she was in the right place with good people who were far more useful to her needs than I was.
The hardest part of seeing Tricia when I got home was not being able to tell her about Billie’s condition. On the way home I felt excited, but the shine was taken away by the fact Billie was vomiting rings around herself. I also knew it was very early in the pregnancy and we hadn’t even discussed it properly. I had desperately wanted to, but she had been too damned sick to express what she really felt, so like a coward I avoided the issue until she felt better.
I was about to go to bed when I remembered the meeting with James in the morning, and sent him a text.
Me: Sorry tomorrow is off. Billie’s in the hospital.
My cell rang immediately. “What’s the matter with her?”
“Why the interest?” I knew my question sounded petty.
“I’m coming over.”
“Don’t—” I hadn’t finished my sentence before he hung up and I felt frustrated because this had been the kind of behavior I’d been used to from him in the past. He had never listened.
Half an hour later, the door buzzer sounded and I lifted the handset on the wall and buzzed James up to our apartment. A few moments later, I watched him walk down the corridor and when his eyes met mine, I knew immediately there was something wrong.
“Couldn’t this have waited until I had the time to spare?”
“How’s Billie, what’s wrong with her?”
“Food poisoning,” I replied, determined not to confide in my brother. “What’s this about?”
“Let’s go inside,” he prompted. I was too tired to argue, so I stepped back into my hallway and he walked ahead of me into the sitting room.
“Colby in bed?”
“Where else would he be? Look, can we skip the twenty questions and just tell me what this is about? I’m tired and jet-lagged so if you don’t mind, I’d just like you to get on with it.”
