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"Yes," I blurted immediately and shocked myself at my lack of hesitancy. Tricia's question was a loaded one and it should have taken a lengthy debate in my head at least before I could answer.
"I get it, Billie. This is more about trusting any man a lot more than your hang-up about Sawyer's age. I look at you and I know you'd pass for thirty any day of the week. I don't see a difference when I see you together. I've seen how young guys look at you when we're out, and I'm not saying this because you're my friend. It's easy to find ways why something shouldn't happen when we feel undeserving."
Everything she said made sense. "True."
"But you trust me, don't you?"
"I do, but you know me. Being with Sawyer …" I sighed, heavily. "I don't know what to feel. I've heard women say this before about men, but this man … I'd have a lot to live up to. I mean Sawyer is all that."
"All what? You need to take a long hard look in the mirror, Billie Collier. You are gorgeous. Sawyer thinks so too, or he'd never have gotten on a plane and woken you up in the middle of the night to apologize for letting you down." She was right and I smiled. I hadn't realized how tight my chest had gotten from talking about this until I felt it ease.
"That was romantic, wasn't it? And I know what he thinks. He tells me over and over, and when I'm with him I feel like I'm the only woman in the world. But …" I sighed. "His life looks so uncomplicated compared to mine. I mean, he's so virile and vibrant, stunningly handsome, talented—shiny," I giggled, "And so full of … everything I don't feel for myself."
"Then you need to work on your confidence," Tricia snapped. I stared at her hardened gaze and exhaled in a rush.
"I've never been a Type A personality who's pushy, extroverted and full of ideas, but I've always regarded myself as quietly strong."
"Yes, you're reserved. But having strong reservations about getting involved in another relationship doesn't make you weak, it makes you wary. Naturally, you should be cautious—careful, deliberate—about who you let get past that newly formed barrier you've got in place."
"You're right on all of those points, but this doesn't feel deliberate, it's like I haven't had time to find the right reason why this wouldn't work."
"Right reason? Have you considered there isn't one? What can't work? I get what you and Sawyer have has moved on much faster than anything you've been used to, but he sounds as if he's got your back. Accepting you leaving tells me he's trying to tread carefully because you're nervous, and it may have been because he has commitments of his own. Besides, he already knows you need time to absorb how you feel."
"I think so too, but he's so relaxed about it all like it's effortless for him."
"From our past conversations, I think you were stuck in a groove where life coasted along before Logan destroyed what the two of you had. If that's the case, then it's normal your focus would most likely be on safety, protection and survival. It's how you cope now for Colby. Moving on is painful and perhaps you feel guilty you're so into Sawyer. No one is forcing you to make impulsive decisions, but in love, you need to dare to take risks."
I shrugged, knowing for sure Tricia had covered my bases; it was like she was inside my head. "Before I went to Minnesota, I had begun to wake up each morning thinking about how amazing it was to have Sawyer in my life."
"And that's not the case anymore?"
"When I look at us in a bubble, yes."
"In a bubble? What do you mean?" she asked, pouring more wine and I realized we'd both emptied our glasses.
"My confidence dipped lower the moment I had a glimpse of the lifestyle they led. From the minute I stepped onto that tour bus, I knew I hated being there and it made me wonder how much of that behavior Sawyer participated in before he was with me. Or worse, if that's how he is when I'm not there. Worst of all, watching the antics and lack of morals of one of his bandmates made me feel ancient. Maybe, if I'd had a personality like you, I'd have ignored him and gone with it for however long it lasted. But I don't. I couldn't."
Leaning forward and stretching out her arm she patted my hand in reassurance. "You have the extra responsibility of a child, and I know you'll always place his happiness above your own. I can't tell you what to do on this one. You need to be brave and follow your gut."
A long groan tore from my throat. "That's just it, my gut says yes … no, it screams it. But I'm petrified of getting this wrong."
I flashed Tricia a weak smile and she scooted up the couch and hugged me tightly. She was right, I had to be daring. Sawyer was sensitive to my situation, and I had to forget what Logan had done if I wanted to be happy. And Sawyer made me feel happier than I had in a long time.
