AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Jerry left to find Michael, I thought, or maybe to get dressed first because he was wearing something like Spiderman pajamas. Anyway, he grabbed his phone from his desk before he left, so I guess he was going to call him. Meanwhile, Lawrence kept telling me everything was going to be all right and he even breathed with me to slow my own breathing down. I was leaning on his shoulder, with my heart finally not pounding in my chest when the door flew open, and Michael came rushing in.
I turned and held out my arms to him, like a dying Greta Garbo in that old, late-night movie, Camille—I watched a lot of really old movies. Anyway, he came to me right away, picked me up and put me in his lap. Then he petted my hair and spoke softly to me, telling me I was going to be fine and all I needed was to rest. I put my head down on his shoulder, and Lawrence and Jerry went to the door, but never left the room. I really had to find a way to tell Lawrence how much I appreciated him for all he’d done for me.
When I finally began to feel calmer, I must have come down hard and I never knew when I went to sleep. One minute I was in Michael’s arms, and he was saying a lot of sweet things to me and the next thing I knew, it was lights out.
I woke up some time later as Michael was taking me to the car. He had his arm tightly wrapped around me and was half-carrying me out of the office, as somebody—Lawrence maybe—walked on the other side and supported me by holding onto my elbow. I felt drunk, in a way. I was aware of what was going on, but I was so drained and exhausted I didn’t really care anymore. I just wanted this night to be over.
****
When I woke up the next morning, I could tell it was late. Since I didn’t get in most nights until after ten, and then by the time I talked to Michael and unwound, it was close to midnight, I didn’t normally get up until around nine or ten in the morning. But this was even later than that. I was alone in bed, so I got up quickly, wondering where Michael was and what he’d have to say to me this morning. To say I was nervous was a serious understatement.
I was also feeling embarrassed, with no idea what to say or do when I spoke to Michael. I was thinking I should just go for a clean break. Tell him this wasn’t working and that I needed to get out of his life and leave him alone.
Maybe he could arrange to be out of the club for a week or so. I’d need to work a notice, though, so it might stretch into two weeks, assuming everything went as planned. I pulled on a robe and followed the sound of his voice out to the living room. He sounded like he was on a business call, his voice clipped and serious as he stood in front of the balcony glass doors and looked out at the ocean below. A couple of days ago, I would have walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist.
But that would only confuse things now. I went over to the coffee maker and poured myself a cup of coffee and then sat down at the bar to wait. He was aware of me there, because he glanced over at me once, but I dropped my eyes, so I didn’t have to acknowledge him quite yet. My hands were shaking as I raised the coffee cup to my lips.
I knew Michael wouldn’t ask me to leave. He’d be sweet about it and tell me I could stay as long as I liked, and that I didn’t have to find another job. Michael got off the phone and came over to sit down beside me at the bar. He was half-turned to face me, and he gently put a hand on my leg.
“How are you feeling, baby?”
“I-I’m fine. Embarrassed, but fine.”
“I wish you had talked to me before you got to the point where you felt so overwhelmed.”
“I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed, exactly. I was feeling…like I didn’t belong in that situation.”
I turned to face him. “I don’t belong in the club as a submissive, Michael. I didn’t see it before—or if I did, I talked myself out of it, because I l-love you so much.”
“Honey…”
“No, let me finish, please. I wanted to be what you needed, but I just can’t do it. When I saw you with Toby…”
“Cruz, Toby doesn’t mean anything to me. You told me to go do that scene.”
“I know. And at the time, I meant it. I was jealous, yeah, but I don’t want to keep you from doing what you need just because I can’t be the one to give it to you. I thought I’d be fine. Then we got there, and you and Toby started the scene and it-it just hit me. All at once. Toby is a masochist, isn’t he? He was enjoying everything you did to him. He wanted it. As opposed to me, who’s just a damn poser. I’d been just pretending and playing at being a submissive. Wearing the outfit and the collar and flirting with you. I don’t have any true submission inside me, and we both know it. I hate pain and I-I resent people giving me orders and I just can’t do it. So, what do I do with that? With my usual great decision-making ability, I chose to lead you on and have you as a boyfriend and make you think I could be what you needed. You of all people—a sadist.” A bitter little laugh bubbled out of me, and Michael squeezed my leg.
“You’re being too hard on yourself, as usual. I pursued you, and I wouldn’t take no for an answer. I asked you for more than you could give, and I’m sorry for that.”
Shocked, I looked into those beautiful eyes of his for the first time that morning.
“What? No, I should have told you about myself a long time ago.”
“It’s not too late, baby. Tell me now.”
That old familiar feeling of panic hit me, and I tried to jump to my feet, but Michael pulled me back down. “There’s nothing you could tell me that would change my feelings for you. I think—after seeing where you ran to when you were having that panic attack last night—I think I know what you’re about to say.”
I forced my eyes back up to his and looked at him for a few crucial minutes of reprieve. I knew in my head that he would accept me, but my heart didn’t quite believe it.
“All right,” I said, taking a deep breath. “I’ll tell you about it. And after that, I’ll get my things packed and leave.”
He started to say something, but I put my hand gently over his mouth. “No, don’t say anything. I know what a good person you are, and I know you’ll say all the right things and tell me it doesn’t matter. But it matters to me, Michael. I want your happiness as much as I want my own.”
He pushed my hand down, looking a little exasperated. “Just tell me, Cruz. Are you attracted to being a Little? Are you a Little?”
“I-I don’t know what I am.”
“Cruz…”
