AllFreeNovel
Share Us
This just wasn’t going to work, no matter how long we danced around it. Surely Michael saw that now and saw that it was better to make a quick, clean break. Maybe he’d try to think of a way to let me down easy, or maybe he’d pack up my things and take me home and then ghost me again like he did before.
No, probably not. He was far too kind for that. He’d keep trying and I’d keep failing and this would become a tired, sad Merry-Go-Round in a circus in hell.
Was I being a touch overly dramatic? Probably. Okay, yes, definitely, but I was feeling pretty stressed and that was my go-to. No, I’d have to find some way to get my things from Michael’s condo and get out of there as soon as I could. I knew Michael wouldn’t throw me out but what was the point of my being there now? It would be so awkward and this thing between us wasn’t going to work.
It would be better if I just left. Quicker, like pulling off a Band-Aid all at once.
I came out of the bathroom stall and went over to wash my hands and splash water in my face. I stared into the mirror for a moment, thinking about how much I wanted to be back at my apartment. If I just had a magic wand I could wave, so that all this would be over and done. If I was home, then I could put on one of my special outfits, grab Fozzy, and just veg out in front of one of my movies. I wouldn’t have to think or worry about Michael coming to look for me or do anything really. I could zone out, curl my hair around my finger and maybe even suck my thumb. It sounded so good.
There was one place I could go close by though. One place where others liked the same kinds of things I did, and I didn’t feel like I was all alone in my feelings. I opened the door and eased out of the rest room and down the hallway toward the office. I was looking for the back stairs—the one that would lead me to the rear entrance of the Littles room, without being exposed to the people who might look up from below. I found it and climbed quickly to the large loft area. I stood outside for a long time at the back door, trying to gather my nerve. Then I gathered my courage and boldly stepped inside.
There were twenty or more people inside, or maybe ten Littles and their Daddies, a good number for the Littles room, but then again it was Friday night, which tended to be busy. There was a small group on the floor, playing with some Legos, and a couple more putting together a toy fire truck. A few were in front of the television, watching cartoons. One of them had a sippy cup and the other a small blanket he was holding close to his chest. At least two others were sitting by their Daddies, quietly talking to them. All of them looked up at me curiously as I came into the room.
I remembered—too late—that I was dressed as a sub, with my tight hot-pants outfit and the leather harness. A few of the Daddies frowned at me and one near the door stood up and came over to speak to me. He didn’t look angry, just more puzzled as to why I was there, like maybe he thought I’d taken a wrong turn going to the bathroom. I recognized some of the ones inside, and I could see they were confused as to why I was there too. If they saw me or one of the other guys at all during the evening hours, it was because of some spill or other small emergency and that was not exactly common. Besides, if that had been why I was there, I wouldn’t have been wearing such an outfit.
“You’re Cruz, aren’t you?” the tall Daddy said, keeping his voice low and calm. He was an older guy, with gray hair at his temples. He was handsome and he looked so nice. He reminded me a little of a teacher I had in school once. I was pretty sure his name was Ben. The guy, not the teacher.
I nodded in answer to his question, wondering why I’d come here in the first place. “I-I’m sorry—I should go.”
I turned to run out and maybe it was the gleam of panic in my eye or how breathless I was, or the fact that I was really close to falling apart that spoke to the Daddy or caregiver in him, because he stopped me with just his tone.
“No, stop. Wait a minute. Don’t go yet. Cruz, are you okay?”
I nodded, without ever raising my head or looking at him.
“Are you sure?” he asked, in a calming, steady voice, and I meant to say yes and just go. I really did. But I could feel my shoulders heaving, and I shook my head instead. I tried to say, “I’ll be all right,” but it came out like in strangled sobs.
I was so embarrassed. I threw my hands over my face and sank to the floor. I wanted to die right there—just melt into a puddle of tears on the floor and stay there until everyone had gone home for the night.
He reached over and took my shoulders, gently drawing me back to my feet. “Come and sit down for a minute, Cruz,” he said. “It’s going to be all right. You’re safe here with us. Let me help you.”
He led me to a seat and suddenly I realized I was surrounded by Daddy energy. I guess the tears brought their protective instincts flying to the surface. Even the other Littles came flocking over to pat my back and tell me it was going to be okay. A strong arm went around my shoulders and I looked up to see Lawrence beside me, looking worried.
“Cruz, are you hurt in any way?” he asked me gently. “Do we need to get you to a doctor?”
I shook my head emphatically. Oh God, now they thought I’d been in a bad scene with someone, and the only someone I was ever with was Michael, so this was about as bad as it could get. Not only was I embarrassing myself, but I was embarrassing him.
“No, nothing like that. I-I just got overwhelmed. I don’t know why.” I dissolved into tears again and began hugging myself and rocking my body a little.
Lawrence squeezed me tight. “Should we find Master Michael for you?”
“No,” I said, panicking and trying to stand up to run. But Lawrence had me in a strong grip—I never realized how strong he was—and he wasn’t letting me go. I felt a pat on my knee and looked down to see Jerry, the club manager and Lawrence’s…what was he exactly? His Little? His boy? I didn’t even know the correct terminology. Jerry was staring up at me and I could see in his eyes that he may have been here to play, but he was now in full employer mode. I had pulled him right out of whatever space he was in before I arrived, and instead of being angry about it, he was concerned about me. That made me start crying even harder.
“Jerry,” I said, “I’m so sorry. I just need to go, okay?”
“Let me take you to the office, Cruz. There’s no one in there and Lawrence can come too if it will make you feel better.”
I nodded. “Yes, that would be better. That would be nice,” I said, or I tried to. I was shocked to hear how breathless my voice sounded. And why couldn’t I stop trembling? I was scared because my heart was pounding and racing too, and I was beginning to feel like I couldn’t take in any oxygen.
I got to my feet and my knees went out, so that both Lawrence and Jerry had to support me. I don’t remember much about the trip over to the office, but once we got there, Lawrence took me over to a big easy chair and sat me down. Jerry got me a bottle of water from somewhere, and I could hear him and Lawrence having a low-voiced conversation, but I had no idea what they were saying.
Meanwhile, I was getting concerned about not being able to draw in a good breath. I clutched at Jerry’s arm and gasped out, “Tell…Michael…I…” and then I couldn’t go on.
Lawrence knelt beside me and kept talking to me. “I think this is a panic attack, Cruz, and I know it’s scary, but you’re going to be fine. I won’t leave you and neither will Jerry. Do you need anything? Just tell us and we’ll get it for you.”
“R-Michael. I n-need Michael.”
Why did I say that when I’d just been running from him? Because at that moment I kind of thought I might be dying, and I needed him with me. It was crazy, but I still loved him and wanted him, and if anyone could make the Grim Reaper back off, it would be my mean Dom. I felt so foolish and ashamed for running from him and hiding like a little kid. Maybe I really was crazy.
