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I then cleared my throat and dove right in.
“I did a lot of talking during rehab. A lot of things that I had never said out loud and a lot of those things should have been things that I had said or talked to you about.” I started.
Sterling nodded, and I saw her prepare herself.
“Betsy meant everything to me. And she meant everything to me, because of you. You were the factor that brought us together, and I failed as a friend to acknowledge that you were hurting just as much as I was. Instead I was a selfish prick who thought that I was the only one who lost her. And for that, I’m incredibly sorry. I can’t take that back, nor can I take my behavior back, but I’m sorry. I’ve never lost someone like that to me before, and while I know there’s no certain way that everyone reacts, I know that I reacted like a shit friend.” I breathed out.
“I didn’t know how to properly cope. It started off with mindless sex, if you can recall. And then I added drinking to the mix. When I drank, I forgot the circumstances of why I was so upset and depressed and I could manage. I wasn’t actually managing, but pushing people away, using them and flat out being a dick. It was wrong of me to want to forget, but I didn’t know any other way.”
I had been fiddling with the straw wrapper from my milkshake and I look up into her glassy eyes. She wipes the corner of her eye and stands up. She sits down next to me.
“Max.” She starts as she grabs my hands. I turn my body towards her. “Everyone has different ways of dealing with pain and loss. No one way is the same. I know where I stand in your life, I’ve never doubted that and I never will. I didn’t want to pick you up though for you to apologize to me, you don’t owe me any. What you do owe me, and everyone else, is you. A healthy you, the you who we all know and love. Things will be different, we all have great memories of Betsy, but we cannot live in the past. Betsy wouldn’t want that of us.” Her hand is steady in mine.
I nod my head. “I want to be a better person. That’s why I didn’t throw a fit when the guys threw rehab on the table. I did however turn one weakness in for another. Strawberry milkshakes are the devil. When I have even the slightest twinge of wanting a drink or think that I will be faced with something that could throw me back into drinking these babies are my lifesaver.” I smile grabbing my shake.
Sterling laughs and gives my hand one more squeeze before going back to her side of the table.
We finished off our food, the fries were definitely not the best in the world and then we headed back to my house. I wasn’t worried with what would face me upon returning, I was just happy to be home.
We walked inside and everyone from work was present as well as my friends. Davis and his girlfriend stood in the kitchen talking excitedly and Sterling and Dane sat at the dining room table talking with Talia from work and her boyfriend. Lukas stood in the hallway by my bedroom on his phone, looking irritated. I looked around my small house and smiled, these people cared enough to celebrate me coming home from rehab, who does that?
* * *
I returnto work the following day and I played catch up. I never left my office in shame of showing my face to our staff. I needed a few more days to settle back into work before facing them again. Many of them were at my return from rehab party, but here at work I have to show my game face and be more professional.
I spent the whole week returning emails, scouring the vendor classifieds and talking to some colleagues about potential projects that we can bid on. Since I had really nothing to look forward to at home, I worked late. I would get home well after 10pm and then straight to bed. I needed this work ethic to get myself back on track. In between my strawberry milkshakes and the long hours at work, I think I can do this. No, I know I can.
I made note of the when and where local AA meetings took place. I texted briefly with Leo and we set up a few meetings for this coming week.
I don’t want to fail at this sobriety thing.
