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“Well, now that everybody is here, I suggest that we get started.” Sophia, the counsellor, spoke softly as she took her seat, and everybody settled down. “As usual, we’re going to discuss whatever you guys feel comfortable with.”
There was a hum of approval around the room, and she smiled as she looked around the room, possibly trying to find her first volunteer.
“Who would like to start today’s session?” She rubbed her hands together, and something about her reminded me of Brooke. She possibly had someone who was close to her in the army, and whatever happened to that person had wounded her, and that’s why she had become a veteran counselor.
I cleared my throat as I raised my hand, and Sophia looked shocked that I was volunteering to speak.
“Asher, please go ahead,” the young woman smiled, and I took a deep breath, feeling the weight of the words I was about to share with the group of strangers that I had only seen twice before.
“Hello, my name is Asher,” I began, and I immediately felt stupid. “I have attended mostly from the back of the room, never being able to gather much confidence to come join you in the circle, but I figured if I wanted to get better, I had to get involved.”
The members nodded as they all kept their eyes trained on me. I wasn’t shy of being looked at. Being a man as tall and as big as I was, it was quite normal to receive stares everywhere where I went, but this time, the people who were watching me were people who probably had a similar story to mine. People who carried around their trauma every day, fighting for their lives.
“I’m a former Navy SEAL, and I adopted Brady, my German shepherd, because I wanted to rely on him. I thought having him around would miraculously help me forget, but it didn’t. He has helped through some of the worst moments since I adopted him, but I recently got triggered, and I feel like I’m losing my mind. My PTSD has been controlling my life since I left the Navy.”
My voice was steady but tinged with emotion. The group listened intently as they nodded in understanding. The weight on my shoulders seemed to lessen as I shared more with the group; there was something about speaking of your trauma with people that understood what I was saying.
It felt like I wasn’t being ridiculed for feeling the way I had been for five years; I felt heard.
“I want to learn how to deal with my trauma in a healthier way. I’m a single father to a daughter, and she is my whole world.” A smile grew on my face as my thoughts shifted to Anne. “She’s the light of my life and the reason why I fight myself every single day. You could almost say that she’s my sole reason for wanting to live, but lately I’ve been finding more reasons why I should continue living.”
Brooke hugging Anne drifted through my thoughts, and the memories of how they once dressed Brady up in a princess dress with a pink bow tie flooded my mind. I fought to not laugh as I remembered how Brady wasn’t impressed by the women in our lives.
“I want to be a better father to Anne.” My voice softened. “I’m currently a firefighter, and I can be a bit overprotective, especially when it comes to fire hazards. I want my daughter to have the freedom to explore and enjoy things like baking, a hobby she recently picked up after only doing it once.” I laughed lightly and the group joined me.
Shit, I missed her so much it fucking hurt!
The room was silent for a moment, the weight of my words hanging in the air, and I knew I had made the right decision to finally talk. I looked around at the faces of my fellow veterans, their courage of just being here giving me strength. Everyone had some kind of story, but it didn’t stop them from taking the measures that would lead to them enjoying their lives.
“I want to live,” I said, my voice filled with determination. “I want people around me, comfortable with me. I don’t want them to walk on eggshells when they’re around me. I want to make long-lasting connections with people, not because they’re convenient or because they can take care of my daughter when I’m not around, but because they want to be in my life. I want a family, and I want to be truly happy.”
I felt a sense of relief wash over me as I finished speaking. That felt good. The group responded by welcoming me into the group, and they offered words of encouragement, thanking me for sharing my story with them.
“It’s a start to the healing you want to experience; thank you, Asher.” Sophie smiled and opened up the floor to anyone else who wanted to share their story or progress.
As the meeting came to a close, I felt a sense of renewed hope, and I knew that the road ahead would be challenging but that I was no longer alone. I was going to work incredibly hard to become the man that Anne and Brooke deserved. I wanted to let everyone know that they were welcomed and loved in my life.
I wanted my support structure to come to me for support, as well.
“Asher!” I stopped in my tracks as I was about to leave the building. Sophie pressed her hand against my shoulder as she called for my attention.
“Ms. Sophie?” I greeted, and she smiled as she waved her hand and called me silly. Oh, no.
“You can just call me Sophie.” I nodded as I slipped my arms behind my back, not wanting to hint at any sort of familiarity between us. “I just wanted to say that I was so proud of you for sharing with us today instead of just sitting at the back of the room and leaving before the session even began.”
“Just sitting in the back wouldn’t help me move in the right direction,” I told her, and she smiled, tilting her head to the side as she took a bold step forward.
“Yeah, you’re right about that. Would you like to get a drink? I would love to hear more about your story. Maybe I could help you with some of your issues,” she suggested as her eyes dropped to my pants, and I took a step back, drawing some distance between us.
“Thank you for your offer, but I have a girlfriend,” I told her. Her eyes widened, and she immediately straightened her back, pulling her cardigan to cover her chest that she had tried to entice me with.
Nobody could ever make me forget about Brooke; she had won me over.
“See you next week, Ms. Sophie.” I stiffly nodded, and she cleared her throat, pushing a few locks behind her ear.
“Yes, goodbye.” I left the building, and as I walked up the street, back to work, I sent another text to Brooke, even though she hadn’t been responding to my texts, but I just wanted to let her know that I was always thinking of her, that I still wanted her in my life because she was the person that reminded me that life could be beautiful when you weren’t alone.
Me: I miss you <3.
