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“I’d like us to try again. Try and make things work. I am sorry for refusing to let you explain. Just what you did, not being honest with me. It just took me right back to what happened with Sophia. I know the situation was different and you aren’t with Monica. But, it just felt so the same. Like I thought I knew you so well, and yet there you were hiding so much of yourself, of your past and of something that was infiltrating your present.”
She sighed deeply and took my hand and squeezed it. “Is that everything?” she asked, earnestly. “The whole truth?”
I nodded and I hated myself for causing the pain I saw in her blue eyes.
“Sit down,” she said and she sat on the grass of the hillside overlooking the ranch. I sat quietly next to her. “There is something else I need to tell you,” she said and I raised my head enquiringly. “You remember I told you about Sophia?” she asked and I nodded in response.
“The woman you loved in the army?”
“Yes,” she said.
“The one with the secret husband?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said again. “That wasn’t the whole story that I gave you.” She sighed deeply and looked into the distance with a desolate sadness in her eyes.
She continued, “Sophia told me about her husband one day. Only a few days before we were due to leave the desert and fly home. We were desperate to get home. Back to US soil. There is something about being in the desert too long and seeing some of the things we saw. It messes with you. It fucks you up. We just wanted to be home so much.” She took a pause and swallowed.
“Anyway, she told me about her husband and her future and suggested we could still see each other occasionally. Well, I couldn’t. I loved her. Like, really loved her. We had been each other’s secret long enough because of the rules of the army and I always imagined that the rest of our lives together would make up for that. I wasn’t prepared to go on being her secret forever for the sake of this husband that she was choosing over me. So, I ended things between us. And, that, well that tore me apart.”
Her voice cracked and I put my hand on her thigh so she knew I was there. I could see tears beading in her eyes but I didn’t want to interrupt her story.
“Anyway. The next day, I was at work, trying my best to hide my tears from everyone, because you don’t get to cry about a secret affair that nobody knew about. And we got a message through that the patrol that had gone out that morning had been hit and they were bringing the casualties back. They told me to prep for surgery.” Her breathing quickened and I could see the panic rising within her and I knew she was right back there on that day in the desert. She continued, “I knew, deep within me that it was going to be her. And it was. It was her, Sophia, bleeding out on my operating table.” Tears started flooding down her face. She cried and cried and cried and fell into my arms and I held her tightly. “She died,” Stephanie cried. “I did everything I could to save her, but she died…” Stephanie was sobbing and sobbing and I held her to me as the pain tore through her. My heart broke for her. This was what she had been hiding all along. This was why she left the army. “The blood,” she gasped. “I can’t forget her blood, so much blood on the white tiles…”
I held her as she folded further into me and came apart in my arms. I rocked her like a baby and I stroked her hair. Eventually she just lay placidly across my lap and closed her eyes. I wondered if she was sleeping, but I don’t think she was. I think it had all just been too much to relive so she had shut down.
It was a long time later she came back round and I lifted her up slowly and carefully and she leant on me as we walked slowly back to the house.
I made pasta for us and made a fire and we sat beside it through the evening. We didn’t speak further, but there was a closeness between us that hadn’t been there before. Now all our ghosts were out of their boxes and the ghosts of Sophia and Monica loomed large around us. We had to make it through that part and wait for them to fade away and leave us. Just us. Ashlyn and Stephanie.
The following day Stephanie rose late. I did the morning chores of the ranch alongside Melody. She never asked about what happened and I didn’t tell.
When Stephanie and I were alone in the kitchen, I made coffee and we sat down together.
“I love you, Ashlyn,” she said. “I really love you. In a way that terrifies me. I’m terrified you will decide I’m not really the one. I’m also terrified you might die.” She took a deep breath. “But, I realize these fears are largely irrational based on what I have been through. And I do feel something with you that is life changing. So, I want us to try and make this work. I want love to be enough this time.”
She stood up and looked out at the door.
I smiled and joined her, taking her in my arms as we stood in the wide doorway looking out at the vast open expanse of the ranch in front of us. Horses grazed happily. I looked at Phantom as he flicked his beautiful black tail to ward off a fly.
“I’d like that too. I know my own issues, my own past has shaped my behaviours. But, I love you more than anything. I want to be a better person for you. I’ve been happy and at peace when I’ve been with you, here in this magical place and I want to be again. I think we can have our happy ever after, you know. And, I think we deserve it.”
She nuzzled into my shoulder and pulled my arms tighter around her.
I rocked her in my arms as we stared out at our future.
EPILOGUE
STEPHANIE
The path to forever is never smooth. It took weeks, months, and even years to navigate the tangled mess of legalities surrounding Ashlyn’s contract. The fight was grueling, filled with endless paperwork, court battles, and sleepless nights where the fear of losing everything loomed over us like a storm cloud. But through it all, we stood by each other, determined to carve out a future that belonged to us, not dictated by the mistakes and the traumas of the past.
Telling Ashlyn about what happened with Sophia was the first time I had spoken to anyone about it. And it was the first time I had cried in front of anyone. The first time I had ever told the truth, the whole truth and falling apart in her arms had been a balm on the open wound of my trauma.
But, more was needed. The second person I spoke to was a therapist, Tracey, I told her everything over hours of sessions. All the traumas and losses I had been through during my time in the Army culminating in Sophia’s betrayal and then ultimately her death. And, I cried and cried and cried for hours in her comforting presence. I wouldn’t say I was healed. There is no healed for the level of trauma I had been through, but I was finding a way through it all with Ashlyn by my side.
And it felt ok to let Sophia Clark out of the box in my head more and more. Sometimes when she would flick into my mind, some memory of her, I would share it with Ashlyn. And she cared. Ashlyn has cared so very much for me right from the start.
And, Ashlyn would talk about Monica sometimes and I would listen. We had both been betrayed by women we had trusted, so we had common ground there. She saw a therapist, too. She worked on her commitment issues, and why she always ran away when things got hard.
