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“You don’t have to explain,” Anne said, her face paling once more. “I know. You’re not alone. I have to believe we’re not alone. My husband and I hadn’t planned to have any more children. We thought we were done. Then, I found out I was pregnant—not with one but with two babies.”
“I can’t imagine.”
“I couldn’t, either. I couldn’t fathom bringing one more life into this world, let alone a second. Two more mouths to feed, two more college tuitions, two more little people to fit into my heart. My heart was already full. How could I possibly find enough love for everyone?”
“And?” Penny held her breath.
“And I guarantee you’ll be a better mother than me.” Anne gave a weak smile. “I left my family, Penny. Samuel was barely one year old when I left him alone.”
Penny just blinked. Eliza knew the story, but she was surprised Anne was sharing it so readily. Maybe Anne and Penny were better friends than Anne had let on. Eliza wondered if that was purposeful on Anne’s part or a simple fact she’d forgotten to mention.
“I walked out my front door and didn’t come back,” Anne said. “They found me in Palm Springs at a motel. Just sitting outside, sipping a margarita by the pool. Not rejoicing, mind you. Just sitting. Staring. Devastated. How could I go back after what I’d done? I knew it was wrong. But I didn’t know how to fix it.”
Penny inhaled sharply. “But you came back?”
“I left in the first place because the voices in my head were telling me I was a bad mother,” Anne said. “I never felt good enough. I didn’t feel bonded with my baby. I missed picture day at Gretchen’s school. I stopped breastfeeding Sammy at three weeks because it fucking hurt. Everything felt wrong. I thought that my leaving would be the best thing for my kids.”
“I’m so sorry,” Penny said. “That sounds awful to go through. How did you…”
“Get better?” Anne scoffed. “Mark thought rehab would fix me. It didn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because that wasn’t the problem,” Anne said. “Sure, I did drink to cope from time to time, but I was never a true alcoholic. I could have stopped, and I did. I checked myself into rehab, but that was to make Mark happy—not me. Once I figured that out, I left. Alcohol wasn’t the root of my problem.”
“What was?”
“I had postpartum depression—that was a big part of it. It lingered for a long while, undiagnosed,” Anne said. “I ignored it. But once I let myself get treated for it, things got better. Slowly. But not a day goes by I don’t feel guilty about my choices.”
“Anne, that’s not—”
“I’m not telling you this story to get sympathy. I’m telling it to you so that you know you’re not alone,” Anne said. “Can you imagine how terrified I felt when I found out two more children were on the way? I had already left my family once. Abandoned them. How could I possibly survive the hormones, the trauma of childbirth, the intensity of newborn life all over again?”
“How did you do it?” Penny’s voice was small.
“I still don’t know if I am doing it,” Anne said. “My point is that we’re all dealt a shitty hand of cards sometimes. But things changed for me when I realized that I’m the only mother these kids will ever have. I am their best shot. I make mistakes, huge ones, but at the end of the day, I love them, and they love me. Some days, I won’t lie, I still want to disappear. But guess what? I haven’t yet, and you won’t either. Because you can do this, Penny. If you want to.”
Penny looked on the verge of tears. Anne had already gone there and back again emotionally. Meanwhile, Eliza found herself stiffly watching from the couch. For her, motherhood was a road not traveled.
“Maybe this is too personal,” Anne said, “but have you considered your options?”
“I never thought of not keeping the baby.” Penny shrugged, trying for matter-of-fact and falling short. “I’ve always wanted to be a mom. But I haven’t had time to process everything. I haven’t even told the baby’s father yet. We’re not…together.”
Eliza hadn’t realized she’d been holding her breath. Was it her imagination, or had Penny’s eyes flicked over at hers for the briefest of seconds?
“I met him at one of my acting classes,” Penny said. “We only slept together a few times. We weren’t even in a proper relationship.”
“You will tell him, though, won’t you?” Anne asked. “If he’s any sort of man, he’ll be there to support you—one way or another.”
“Telling him is the right thing to do,” Penny said, though she sounded as if she wanted to be convinced otherwise. “But I’d hate to ruin his life, too. The father, he’s…young and sort of stupid. We both are, I guess. I thought I was being safe on birth control, but I guess it failed.”
“That happens.” Anne raised her eyebrows knowingly.
“Not that there’s anything I can do about it now,” Penny said. “The thing is, I don’t want to marry this guy just because we’re having a baby together. And it’s not as if he has any money. I wouldn’t expect him to help out in any way, but he probably deserves to know.”
“I think so,” Anne said. “And who knows? Maybe he’ll step up to the plate and surprise you.”
“Maybe,” Penny said.
