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I am not fully prepared for what it will feel like to be alone with him again when I enter the room and see him standing there. The door clicks behind me as it closes and I have to repeat the mantra in my head over and over.
Do this for the baby.
“Can I help you?” I ask, and the coldness in my voice shocks even me.
His mouth opens as if he’s about to speak, but nothing comes out. I stand here, staring at him, wishing he’d just find the words he needs to say. But he struggles for so long I nearly turn and leave.
Then, before he can move, I watch as he drops to his knees.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“I don’t know what to say, Sadie. I don’t have the words, and maybe there are none. But this…” He gestures with his arms open at the way he’s on the floor for me. “This is what I’m here to say.”
“I don’t know what that means, Luke,” I say with a shrug. “Kneeling isn’t enough. Saying sorry isn’t enough.”
“I know it isn’t,” he says with a wince.
“Then, figure it out?—”
“I quit my job,” he blurts out, and I freeze as I stare at him. “I’m not going to England, and I don’t even fucking care about it anymore.”
“Why?” I whisper as I move to take a step toward him. It makes me both sad and hopeful to hear that. I don’t want Luke to give up his dreams for me. I don’t want to steal away the things he loves. I just want to be one of them.
I also don’t want to hear him say that he’s given up everything for me because he thinks that’s what I want. I need to hear why, and I’m terrified he won’t express it right.
“Because…that’s what you wanted, Sadie. That program was my dream, but I gave it up for you… I mean, fuck. That’s not what I mean.”
“So I ruined your dreams?” I ask.
“No, Sadie. You became my dream. Getting to be with you, getting to raise a baby with you…that’s my dream. That’s all that fucking matters to me. I would still love to do my job, and I would love to get to study in England someday, but not at your expense. Never at your expense.”
Tears prick my eyes as I let those words wash over me. Is this enough? Is this what I wanted?
It feels like everything I need to hear, but something is missing.
I chew on my bottom lip as I stare at him, blinking one tear down my cheek. He flinches at the sight of it as if he wants to lunge from the floor and wipe it away.
“Please, Sadie. I’m not good at this, but I’m trying.”
“I don’t know, Lucas,” I mumble under my breath.
God, why does this hurt so much? I just want to run into his arms and let him hold me, but is that the right choice? How do I know he’s changed and he won’t resent me for taking away what he’s worked so hard for?
I don’t. And I may never know for sure.
“I’m begging you, Sadie.”
“Begging me for what?” I ask as another tear falls.
“Another chance,” he replies sadly. “What do you need to know I’ve changed? What can I do to prove it to you?”
“I don’t know,” I mutter under my breath. I’m torn apart by the fear that I’ll never be able to fully trust him. That there’s nothing he could do to prove his devotion.
He puts a hand out, reaching for me. “Punish me.”
“Lucas, I can’t…” I say with a shake of my head. Sex is not the answer right now. I know that, and the last time he asked me to punish him, he ended up with his face up my dress. The memory alone sparks arousal between my legs, which makes it nearly impossible to say no.
“Sadie,” he begs. “I trust you. I want you to see that I’m truly regretful for the way I’ve behaved. So let me prove it to you. Punish me.”
