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The next day, Ken and I drove home from Florida in silence.
My mind, however, was anything but.
I just talked to him that night.
I knew he was drunk. We even joked about Ken being his driver.
We fucking joked about it.
I didn’t even see him last week.
I didn’t even think about him.
God, I’ve been such a shitty friend ever since I started seeing Ken.
I should have hosted an intervention or something.
But I didn’t. I didn’t do shit, and now, he’s gone.
I gave Ken a sidelong glance, his features blurry behind my unshed tears. He hadn’t touched me since we found out about Jason. All I wanted to do was curl up in his lap and let him comfort me while I cried, but it was clear that my messy feelings were not welcome inside his sterile little world.
Jason would have held me, I thought, bitter tears stinging my eyes. I remembered the way he used to pick me up off my feet and spin me in the air. Jason was always so happy to see me. Did he know I was happy to see him, too? Did he know how much I would miss his big hugs?
Orange groves dissolved into cow pastures before my eyes. Small towns grew into large shopping centers. And, as the sun slid out of the sky, the high-rises of Atlanta climbed into it. There was so much progress happening outside the car.
But the only thing progressing inside the car was the size of my hurt as I waited in vain for Ken to comfort me. To acknowledge my grief. To do fucking anything.
By the time he pulled up in front of my parents’ house after dark, I was ready to explode. He held his breath as he turned to look at me, probably expecting me to freak out or burst into tears or otherwise contaminate him with my messy feelings, so I didn’t. I kept them to myself. The only thing I gave Ken was my imaginary middle finger as I slammed his car door and stomped into my house.
My mother came running as a sob twenty-four hours in the making filled the foyer. “What happened, baby?”
I pressed my face into her shoulder, her long red hair soaking up my tears. “Jason died…in a car accident.”
“Oh, honey,” she cooed, smoothing a weathered hand down my bony back. “I’m so sorry. What a shame. What a damn shame.” She shook her head and squeezed me tighter. “He sure did love you.”
