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“Wow. That is seriously gross.”
SJ grins down at me.
“What?”
“Not that I ever doubted, but that is how I know you belong here, whatever your identity, orientation, or fashion sense. Because true queerness has no patience for gatekeeping. For one, orientation has nothing to do with monogamy or past experiences. If it did, everyone who’s single or a virgin is asexual. And power to our aces, but virginity does not mean ace. Only we can really know who we are, and sometimes it takes a while to figure that out.”
It all seems so obvious, and I sniffle back a few more tears.
My hair takes a while for her to curl. It’s thick and long and unruly with how I shoved it into a bun this morning, but while SJ is curling it, she gives me a few more minutes of quiet to keep processing. She eventually brings up some general topics, like how well Madame Mattie’s has been doing. How awesome Odai and I are together. Ideas for some future double dates, which I really, really want to do once things aren’t awkward anymore between me and Cas.
Things haven’t been too awkward. She does mostly act normal around me, but I really need to talk to her.
When SJ is finished, the final touch is a little ChapStick for my lips, not gloss or lipstick. She fluffs my hair around my shoulders, and then surprises me by putting my glasses back on. I’ve never made myself up and still worn them.
“Ready to see?” SJ asks.
“I don’t want to change my pronouns,” I say.
“Cool.”
“But I do think I like the idea of being a demiboy? It sounds… right.”
“Cool,” she says again, and when I nod, she turns the chair to face the mirror. “Because I think this is the most you I've ever seen you.”
I don’t know what I was expecting. Heavy Mattie makeup maybe. But how SJ has done my face is so… subtly pretty, sort of like hers. Like there’s some Jeffrey, and some Mattie, but perfectly in between those two that it finally feels…
Shit. No more nauseating carnival rides, but an emotional rollercoaster that turns on the waterworks can be just as frustrating. It is all so perfect, being a little less than Mattie but more than Jeffrey, which apparently was where the real Jeffrey lived all along. The outfit is way out there and risqué, but I also love it because it’s not as risqué as wearing a corset and bloomers in public.
All the pieces are color-blocked either black and white or pink and blue. The crop of the layered tops means there’s some tummy showing, but hey, my nipples pop out of my dress most nights as Mattie. The shorts are short, but my legs are pretty incredible, thank you, and in these heeled boots, once I look at them, and then stand to get a feel for them and see the full-length me in the mirror, I think I could almost walk a runway.
And I honestly love that I am wearing my glasses, not forcing myself to wear contacts that’ll dry out my eyes in a few hours. It looks… it all looks… so…
Urg. Now, I’m really crying. “I’m sorry.” I shake my head, still looking at myself in the mirror with little glances at SJ. “I am going to ruin all your hard work. And you did such a good job. It’s perfect.”
SJ puts an arm around my shoulders to hug me sideways, also admiring me in the mirror. “You're perfect. You look amazing. Assuming you like it?”
“I love it.” I turn to her and hug her properly, a little taller than her now that I am also in heels. “Thank you.”
“Hey, no one is supposed to be chained to one section, not in Fluid Fashion or in life. You're allowed to mix and match. You're just enough down the slide wheel of identity that you can't be defined by words you’ve always known. There is another word for you, and you just needed to learn it. And if your place on that slide wheel ever changes, that's normal too, and can be just as fun, if you let it happen and take some joy in every new discovery of who you are.”
“I just feel so stupid.”
“Don’t say that!” She pulls away. “Why?”
“Because falling somewhere in the middle never even occurred to me. Now it just seems so… duh.”
SJ laughs and wipes at my tears. “It doesn't matter how you got here or how long it took, just that you're here now. Trust me.”
“Like with you and Cas?”
She gives an honest guffaw, given she admitted she’s waiting on a ring. “Yes. Impatient as us humans can be, the good stuff is always worth waiting for.”
“I am buying all of this.”
“Then you better believe you're getting the friends and family discount.”
Odai
