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“I was worried.” I turned to point at the opening to the tunnel that still sat slightly ajar, leaking cold air into the suite, but Fitz wasn’t paying attention.
“I’ll be fine,” he said more to the fire than to me. No one had to tell me for me to understand. This was his routine, his coping mechanism, shutting down, erasing his emotions, closing off everything because if he didn’t allow himself to feel it, then it wasn’t real. If it wasn’t real, it couldn’t hurt him. When we were kids, he’d tried that with me, but I never allowed him the space to wallow. No matter how long it took, I always wrestled his worries out of him so that we could talk about it.
But we weren’t kids anymore. This wasn’t a bad test on a history exam or the baseball team cutting him in the first round. These were heavy problems, issues that couldn’t be wiped away with a little conversation. He was a Crown Prince and I had no right to force him to discuss what plagued him, even if I wanted to. Fitz knew where to find me if he needed me. I’d done what I’d needed to. I’d checked on him and he knew I cared, but I couldn’t force him to let me in.
“I didn’t mean to intrude. I only wanted to check on you.” I took a step back. “No one else seemed to be, so I thought…” I sounded like an idiot. “I’ll leave you alone.”
The darkness of his bedroom welcomed me back, and every step that I took toward the tunnel eased the awkward intrusion feeling in my chest. Why did I think this was a good idea? I’d shown up in his bedroom for heaven’s sake. What would this look like to the outside world? If any other contender had done something like this, it would have been grounds for immediate dismissal, I was sure of it, but I was lucky Fitz had a soft heart and hadn’t freaked out.
I just needed to get back to my room, lock the tunnel, and focus on the reason I’d come. It wasn’t to be his therapist. I was supposed to help him find a—
“Wait.” His voice called out to me. “Don’t go.”
Fitz
Like a thundercloud breaking open, the realization dawned on me that she was going to leave and once more I would be left to face my challenges alone. I’d forgotten what it was like having someone who saw beyond the surface and cared about the turmoil beneath.
“Please, don’t leave,” I said again as she returned to the doorway. Coco watched me with questioning eyes, obviously unsure of what I wanted. That made two of us. In fact, that was the day’s theme, unsure of everything. My standing in the kingdom, my father’s prognosis, my future wife now that I knew I couldn’t make a life with Gwen, and even the nature of my soul, because I couldn’t be a good person if this many people wanted me dead.
I didn’t have words for her. I couldn’t explain what I needed or how she could help me; I only knew that if she walked out, I didn’t know how I would put myself back together again.
I needed her.
My mind went back to that Christmas morning that had haunted my thoughts all day. Gripping the corners of the blanket wrapped around my shoulders, I opened it wider and stared with expectancy, hoping she understood the unspoken message.
Her soft smile felt like balm to a burn as she covered the space between us with quick steps. She still fit under my arm, maybe even better than before since I’d finally outgrown her in height. I captured her beneath the blanket, surprised at the way she wrapped her arms around me and cuddled close. It wasn’t that we’d never done this before, but I had to admit, it had never felt like this.
My heart, while seconds ago had felt on the verge of fracture, raced to life as if she’d set paddles to my chest and shocked me back into existence. The curve of my arm melted around her shoulders as I leaned back, pulling her with me into the corner of the couch. Michaela naturally melded with me, comfortable within my embrace. Yes, this was familiar and reminiscent of our teenage years, and yet… different.
We stayed silent for some time, content to let the moment breathe. Did she feel what I did? That hum? That buzzing, glowing sensation that left me feeling like I’d rolled in the coals and somehow escaped injury? I shifted slightly and brought her tighter against my chest in the name of warmth, but she offered up no protest, just sank into me as if the space for her had been carved to fit her shape.
“What’s going on, Fitz? I know it’s only been a day, but you look like you’ve lived a year in twenty-four hours.” Her palms pressed against my chest as she popped her head up to look at me. “You know you can talk to me. It’s been years since we did it in person, but I can get a pen and paper if you want to write me a letter.”
The fire’s light glimmered over her features. The old saying dictated that candlelight was a woman’s best lighting, but she left me breathless under the flickering illumination.
“I don’t need to write you a letter.” I smiled at the thought. Writing it, pretending to post it, just to hand it to her. Knowing Coco, she’d play along. My finger caught the edge of her hair where it had come free and hooked it backward behind her ear. The breadth of my palm automatically came to rest against her jaw in the process and, without thinking, my gaze dipped to her lips. “I can’t count how many times I’ve written you, wishing you could just materialize here and…” She had to be feeling this. The vibrations of our souls, coming into alignment, pulling closer than even our bodies were. “… and then you could hug me again and tell me it’s all going to be okay.”
Her arms tightened around me as warmth came to life in her eyes. “It’s all going to be okay, Fitz.” Her lips pressed together, just once, but I had a hard time looking away. “Tell me what’s wrong. Lay it all on me.”
“It’s everything.” Blue eyes waited with expectancy, unflinching and full of concern. Had a more perfect woman ever been created? And to call her my best friend… Maybe I wasn’t as wretched as I thought. I couldn’t be that bad if she was willing to keep me. “It’s my father, and the kingdom, and, as you put it, threats of assassination.”
Embarrassment brought her head against my chest. Coco burrowed against me, voice vibrating against my skin as she spoke. “I thought you missed that.”
“No.” I tried to laugh but my heart had begun to race with her face pressed against me and it came out choked and stifled. “I heard you.” My palm rubbed over the blanket, between her shoulder blades, setting me aglow with the way she hummed at the sensation. That was definitely new. Not the sort of thing friends did. To cover for myself, I pulled the blanket higher around her shoulders, as if that was my intention all along. She turned her face and brought her ear against my chest, leaving me instantly nervous she might hear my heartbeat and get suspicious. The last thing I needed was to screw up two friendships in one day with my bad decisions.
“I kissed Gwen,” I admitted, bringing the true cause of my distress to the surface.
Beneath my hand, Michaela’s body tensed. “I heard. Everyone is talking about it.”
I found myself dissecting her words, not for content, but tone. Did it bother her? Why did I feel an overwhelming need to help her understand that it meant nothing to me?
“Are they gossiping about my regret as well?”
Her head popped up like a gopher from a hole. Somehow, she’d moved closer and I found myself fixated on her lips again.
“You regret it?”
Needing a reprieve from the emotions that hounded me when she was this close, I pressed her against my chest again and inhaled deeply. “She has this ludicrous idea that two people can’t develop chemistry over time. She felt that it would be more efficient if we discovered that fact early on so as not to waste time.”
