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“Thirty-one.”
“And you were sixteen? That’s not an affair, Alexandra.”
She flinched, hating to hear him call her that after he’d begun sounding so tender when he called her by her nickname.
“I know, but it wasn’t against my will, either. I didn’t fight him off. I thought I was in love. Mostly I loved the idea that screwing Humbolt’s friend would get under Humbolt’s skin. All I really did was give him a reason to call me a whore, though.” She rubbed her eyebrow.
“He knew about it? And didn’t put a stop to it?” He sounded murderous. “What about your mother?”
“She would never admit she knew. And that’s not the point. I got pregnant, but I was a minor. I knew Humbolt would use my baby against me. Maybe they would have made me give it up anyway. Or my mother would have undercut my parenting to turn my child into yet another vapid socialite. Nothing about bringing that baby home would have worked in my favor or the baby’s.”
“That’s the real reason you ran away back then. To have the baby.”
She nodded. “Patty took me in and helped me hire a lawyer who got Libby’s father to relinquish paternity rights. He also set up a trust for her, but I’m not allowed to reveal he’s her father. That’s another reason I had to keep the whole thing secret. If the paparazzi learned I’d had a baby, they would go digging. At least the fear that he could be exposed made Libby’s father keep Humbolt in check to some extent.”
“He didn’t keep you out of a psych ward, though, did he? They should both be arrested!”
“You’re right. But so many people would suffer if this came out now. Believe me, I’ve thought about it, but Libby’s life would be overturned, not to mention the lives of her father’s other children. They’re not much older than she is. They don’t deserve to be hounded by the press while their parents go through an ugly divorce. Maybe he would try to undo the trust. Humbolt would definitely go after Patty for harboring me. He’d ruin her career, likely make a play for custody of Libby since she’s Mom’s granddaughter and entitled to a slice of my fortune. I doubt he’d win, but the point would be the pain he caused along the way.”
He swore under his breath, then used his hand to scrub across his face.
She didn’t know what reaction she expected. Maybe some sort of absolution? Understanding, at least?
The weight of his silence sat like a ten-ton boulder on her heart. They hadn’t stood a chance, she realized. Not given all that she’d been hiding. Not when he was a man who had never been taught to trust and she had betrayed the little trust he’d started to place in her.
“That’s everything?” he asked with scowl of distrust.
“Yes. The only other thing I ever lie about is my weight when we fly.”
“I always tell them to add a few kilos anyway,” he muttered with distraction.
“A few?” That was literally the meanest thing he’d ever said to her.
“You could have told me this anytime,” he said tightly. “Long before this.” He swept his hand through the air.
“When, Rafael?” she asked with more defeat than challenge. “When you asked me to have your baby and I thought you’d divorce me if I refused?”
“I never said that.”
“It was implied. When we married, you told me you needed an heir. I wanted a baby. I want our baby.” She waved in the direction of the hospital, trying not to think about how precarious their baby’s life was at this moment. “I didn’t expect it to become so hard to make one. You take care of everything and I had one job, but I couldn’t do it. I was too ashamed to tell you why I felt like I was being punished—”
“No.” He shook his head. “You—”
“No, listen,” she insisted. “For once. Please. When I saw Molly on the yacht, I couldn’t even let her tell me about Libby. It was really hard for me to come this far, to be able to tell you about her, but that’s because I never had any trust in our marriage in the first place. I didn’t trust you.”
He sucked in a breath as though taking another body blow.
“I’ve wanted to tell you so many times, but even when we both nearly died and I asked you if we loved each other, you said that was never part of our deal. Why the hell would I share anything so deeply personal with you after that? I ran away the only way I could, by pretending I couldn’t remember anything. I thought that would get us to a clean divorce, but you started telling me things I never knew. Things about us. Do you know how many times I thought we were engaged in all-out war when we have sex, because I thought you got off on controlling me? I didn’t know you get off on holding yourself back.”
“Are you serious?” His jaw went slack.
“And those phone calls, while you were away? I thought you were wooing me. That we were finally growing closer. But I knew it would blow up when I told you I had never really lost my memory so I put off telling you. I know that’s wrong. I know it is. But I couldn’t stay in the marriage we had. And I don’t know how we can stay married now, but—” She began to choke up as fresh anxiety welled in her chest. “Can we— Can we have a truce and not make any decisions until we know—”
She couldn’t break down in front of him.
“I need to lie down.” She hurried into the bedroom and shut the door.
Rafael started to go after her, but heard the lock click. He sighed and looked at the forgotten drink in his hand.
