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“No.” She dashed at the tears that were overflowing her lashes. “He said we should take a break from trying, which makes me feel like even more of a failure.”
“Oh, Sasha.” Molly started to come around to hug her, but Sasha brushed her off.
“You’ll make me cry again.” She picked up the soggy cloth and pressed it to her eyes.
“Take that down and look at me.”
She didn’t want to, but Molly sounded so much like Patty with that firm tone of tough love, she dropped the cloth into her lap.
Molly was crouched in front of her, somber. “A man twice your age took advantage of you. You didn’t do anything wrong—”
“He was married, Molly. I knew it was wrong.”
“You were sixteen. He was an adult. He said he loved you. He manipulated you and left you to deal with a pregnancy alone. Do not pretend your crime is equal to his. That’s something Humbolt would do, and you know what a piece of garbage he is.”
Sasha pushed the wet cloth against her eyes again, pressing back emotive tears. She was touched by the way Molly was still willing to be her champion.
It was true, though. She could still hear Humbolt calling her a slut and a homewrecker and some dark part of her continued to believe it.
“Have you ever talked to anyone? A counselor?” Molly was smoothing her hair the way her mother had done when Sasha had been so troubled, living with strangers, contemplating the biggest decision of her life.
“About him? Never. My fertility specialist recommended someone for the pregnancy troubles, but I’d have to tell them about all of that and...” She looked helplessly to Molly and her heart constricted with agony. “I can’t. I can’t talk to anyone about any of this. There’s no one I trust. Rafael tries to understand, but he doesn’t.” And she didn’t trust him—them—enough to reveal it to him.
“Talk to me, then. Get it off your chest.” Molly moved back into her chair.
Sasha took a deep breath and breathed out all her hopelessness.
“It’s endometriosis. Severe. I can keep trying until the cows come home, but I’ll probably never get pregnant. I don’t want to accept that, but I can’t keep doing this with the shots and the exams and the procedures that fail. It’s like having a miscarriage every time because I convince myself that I’m pregnant, then I’m not. And it makes me such a moody bitch I don’t know how Rafael stays married to me.” Her voice turned into a choke as the fear of her marriage ending ran through her like an electric current, hot and painful. “Why did I get pregnant by a man I hate, but I can’t get pregnant by a man I love? It’s so unfair, Moll.”
“Oh, Sash. I’m so sorry.” Molly’s expression was agonized on her behalf.
For once, the weight of her sadness shifted slightly. It was no longer suffocating her. Molly was holding some of it for her and that made her want to hug her. How could she keep her in her life, she wondered? Yesterday, she had told Gio she wouldn’t try to poach his assistant, but she would gladly pay Molly to be her friend again, just for this little bit of emotional support she offered her.
“Have you considered a surrogate?” Molly asked gently.
“Not seriously.” Sasha sighed again. “I would have to tell people why I need one.” Failure was inching back into her tight throat.
“You don’t have to tell anyone anything. It’s your business how you make a baby,” Molly said with affront.
“We’d still have to interview people. Whoever we chose would be a stranger. It feels too invasive to let someone I don’t know into our lives like that.” She was greedy. Insecure, maybe, because she didn’t want to share Rafael with someone she didn’t know and trust. “That’s why I want to do it myself, but I can’t. And I’m so tired of being miserable and useless and alone, Moll.” Her eyes welled afresh, which just made her mad because tears were useless, too.
“Oh, Sasha, stop punishing yourself. I wish you’d let me tell you how happy you made us. I know that doesn’t fix anything for you, but I wish you could be proud of what you gave us. If I could—” Molly bit her lips, apprehension coming into her face.
“What?” Sasha looked behind her, terrified that Rafael had walked in and overheard them, but the room was empty. “What?” she insisted to Molly.
“I needed to double-think what I was going to say,” Molly said with a twitch of bemusement around her lips. Her brows gathered into a frown of gravity. “Because I don’t want to say it unless I mean it, and I do. If I could give you the same happiness you gave us, I would, Sasha. What if I tried? What if I was your surrogate?”
Sasha’s heart took a hard bounce.
“Moll.” She made herself dismiss the offer because Molly was just being her kind and loyal and heart-forward self. Sasha hadn’t known how to maintain their friendship without risking Libby, but she was sorry she had let so many years go by without speaking to her friend.
“I’m being serious.” Molly leaned forward with the earnest, open warmth that filled Sasha with optimism that, somehow, things would work out. “I would need tests to see if it’s feasible, but you know how badly I had always wanted a sister. You gave me one. I would argue that you gave me two, because I’ve never forgotten you.” Her mouth widened with a sentimental smile. “And Libby has been such a gift, Sash. I can’t even describe how much Mom and I love her. If I could give you someone to love that hard, then I want to.”
“Molly, stop. How would I even explain it to Rafael? How—”
“‘How’ is a yes,” Molly noted with her mother’s clear logic. “You’re saying you’ll let me try. Aren’t you?”
She shouldn’t, but hope was making her latch on to the logistics, skipping right over whether allowing Molly to do this was wise.
